Portage la Prairie church fires pastor for being too much like Jesus

Pastor Fired for Being Too Much Like Jesus

Portage la Prairie, MB – After attending an all-night wedding party then preaching a sermon on the beach, a local pastor has been fired and his church closed for good.

“This wasn’t the first incident.  He had been warned many times, “ Barry Dumas, Regional Director of The Domination, said.  “We’ve been dealing with numerous complaints about Reverend Kent McPhail and his followers.  Their behaviour and actions have been reckless and irresponsible.”

Pastor, Kent McPhail, was attending a wedding at Delta Beach on the shore of Lake Manitoba Saturday afternoon, and unlike most ministers, decided to stay for the reception party.

“It was shameful,” neighbour Judy Swallows said.  “They partied all night and I could see Pastor McPhail laughing it up with the drunks and having a good time.  I don’t think the people getting married even go to our church, or any church for that matter.”

Following the party McPhail reportedly held a church service on the beach by a bonfire and invited the rest of his congregation to join him via text messaging and social media.

“We don’t approve of the random and arbitrary moving of services from our sanctuary to the scene of a drinking party.  And we certainly frown on the use of social media and prefer a more religious approach to faith,” Dumas said.

The Reverend McPhail has been taking heat for a while from concerned congregants.  Complaints range from McPhail spending time with corrupt businessmen, foul-mouthed hockey players, the mentally ill, people in bankruptcy, to local prostitutes.  McPhail had also sold his home and was currently of no-fixed-address.

“Mr. McPhail chose not to heed our warnings about the type of person he selected to be around.  We had long-time church members going without visits and he was leaving discipleship meetings for others to run while he went to barbeques, golf tournaments and bars,” Dumas explained.  “He seemed more interested in spending time in the community than in the church.  Instead of church conferences Mr. McPhail would embarrass us and attend music festivals like Country Fest.”

“We would have preferred he spend more time modelling and teaching abstinence of every kind.  He insisted on taking a path that was dirty, messy and irreligious and he now finds himself unemployed.”

Claims McPhail and a handful of followers healed locals of cancer and diabetes was fuel for more complaints.

“It’s nice that some people were apparently healed of their chronic and terminal illness but why didn’t he heal everyone in the hospital?”  Swallows said.  “I think permanent cures would be far more helpful than these selective healings.”

McPhail was severely criticized for an incident where he claimed to have driven demons out of a local man into a flock of geese.  The geese then proceeded to fly into traffic on Crescent Road, killing over 20 of them.  This incident drew outrage from local residents upset about the senseless death of the geese along with concern from his own congregation he was taking things too far.

Church services became unpredictable and unruly at times.  Some sermons would last all day and McPhail was known to often preach outdoors in public places around Portage.

“He couldn’t understand that people want to come to church for an hour a week, sing four songs, hear a nice sermon and go home.” Dumas said.  “He was getting some people to meet with him every day and was more concerned about how they lived outside the church than inside.”

The local church has closed its doors and the remaining congregants are being encouraged to find churches that meet their individual preferences.  No verifiable stats were available but anecdotal evidence suggests the church saw many long-time members leave several months ago at McPhail’s suggestion that belongings be sold and their wealth shared with those in need.  Existing members of the flock are said to struggle with addictions, mental illness and poverty, leaving many to believe they will be unable to form a new church or catch on with existing ones.

The Reverend McPhail’s only response was “It is as you say.”  A quick search of his social media pages included images of the face of God appearing in unusual places with no accompanying explanation.

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer about the satirical and fictional nature of the story and website.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and reality. Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition, they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like oatmeal and beans.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Pray for Portage.

 

Photo Credit – Michael Coghlan

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Co-worker saves friends toes from frostbite by sucking on them

TV Morning Show Host Saves Co-Worker From Frostbite By Sucking His Toes

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Since moving to Portage la Prairie to work at CIPP-TV, Oliver Sutton has endured a lot, but his assignment on New Years Eve involved going above and beyond the call of a TV morning show host.  In frigid temperatures, Sutton, host of PP In The Morning, had to think quickly in order to save a co-worker from the effects of frostbite.

BJ (Harrisburg) and I were at a New Years Eve celebration here in town (Portage la Prairie) when we found ourselves unable to get a ride or cab,” Oliver Sutton said.  “We were on the island (Island Park) and stood outside for half an hour in the freezing cold before we decided to hike across the lake (Crescent Lake) to get home.”

TV station co-worker has toes saved from frostbite by sucking
PP After Dark host, BJ Harrisburg is overjoyed his friend and CIPP-TV co-worker, PP In The Morning Host, Oliver Sutton saved his toes from frostbite by sucking on them

The walk was less than thirty minutes, but both Sutton and Harrisburg were wearing stylish dress shoes not designed to rebuff minus twenty-eight degree Celsius weather.  With only a light coat and thin, snazzy, dress pants the pair experienced mild hypothermia on the way home.  Because of an earlier decision not to wear socks, Harrisburg’s feet were practically frozen by the time they reached home.

“BJ was pretty loaded but the walk kind of sobered him up,” Sutton explained.  “When we got in the house he was pretty much crying from the pain in his feet.”

Panic sunk in and Sutton was not sure if he should call 911 when his co-worker started screaming something.

“For whatever reason I remembered a bit from Doug and Bob McKenzie when they talked about Ernie’s mom sucking his toes,” Harrisburg, host of PP After Dark, said.  “I knew that’s what Oliver had to do.”

Thankfully, Sutton was still intoxicated, and open to Harrisburg’s strange request.

“He was screaming so loud from the pain I just pulled off his shoes and went to it,” Sutton said.  “Once his toes were in my mouth he stopped screaming.  I kept alternating feet and he slowly calmed down.”

Harrisburg credits his morning show host friend for saving his toes.

“I still ended up having some white spots on my toes but Oliver really saved the day – and my toes,” Harrisburg said.

Medical experts confirm that Sutton’s quick reaction, inhibition and disregard for his own dignity likely saved Harrisburg from medical intervention, including the possibility of amputation.

Good friends prior to the event, the pair are even closer now, but Harrisburg was unsure if he would return the favour.

“I don’t think I could suck Oliver’s toes,” Harrisburg admitted.  “I’d have to be extremely drunk for there to even be a chance.”

Sutton is not offended by his friend’s honesty on returning the sucking favour.

“I couldn’t have done it if I wasn’t drunk and panicked.  I was very thankful he didn’t have any toe-jam when I put them in my mouth or I might have gagged.”

“I can’t look at Oliver the same way any more,” Harrisburg shared.  “After what he did for me, the sacrifice he made, I think we’ll always be close.

Sutton has noticed Harrisburg holding his glance a little longer than he used to and going barefoot more often.

“I definitely feel safer when Oliver is around,” Harrisburg said.  “I can’t watch him eat the same way anymore though.”

The other CIPP-TV employees are generally grossed out by the story and clear out of the lunchroom if Harrisburg and Sutton are there staring at each other.  Several staff have filed formal complaints over Harrisburg’s refusal to cover his feet in the newsroom.  The Union of Mediocre Television Workers in Small Markets(UMTWS) is investigating and offering counselling to all those affected.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the advanced and more developed disclaimer full of legal language and warnings.  While frostbite and Portage la Prairie are real, CIPP-TV, the individuals mentioned, the story and website are fictional and humorous.  Portage la Prairie can be humorous as well but this website shares no responsibility in that.  All this to say, this story is not real it is made up.  We do not know why we have to keep explaining this to people.

Photo Credit – Headline Photo – Travis Rigel Lukas Hornrung

Photo Credit – Story Photo – Matthew Oliphant

Portage man wearing floral shirt instead of plaid

Portage Man Made Fun Of For Not Wearing Plaid To Party

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Riley Rossburn knew he was pushing the tolerance boundaries by wearing a new floral print dress shirt to a social in Portage la Prairie on Saturday, but he didn’t think the move would create such a stir in the fashion conservative community of 13,000.

Portage men in plaid
Men who wear plaid make fun of Portage man who wears a floral print shirt to social

Like the majority of male, and a substantial number of female citizens of Portage, Rossburn wears a variety of long-sleeve plaid shirts when attending social events like socials or parties.  On Saturday he decided to break things wide open by putting on a non-plaid shirt he had recently picked up at a discount fashion retailer in Winnipeg.

“I knew I’d be the only guy there not wearing plaid,” Rossburn admitted.  “I didn’t realize things were going to get that outta hand.”

Not long after arriving, Rossburn was the target of verbal abuse and taunting.  Many plaid covered partiers referred to the shirt as feminine and unacceptable.  Some asked him why he had worn his wife’s shirt even though Rossburn is single and has never been married.  The barbs wounded him deeply.

Portagers have a long-standing tradition of donning plaid shirts for social gatherings.  In the summer they are usually short-sleeved and in the fall and winter longer sleeves are recommended.  At more casual events, the plaid shirt is allowed to be worn open with a coordinating t-shirt underneath.

Rossburn’s attempt at anarchy was immediately denounced by local civic leaders also in attendance.

“At the next City Council meeting we will be bringing forward a by-law prohibiting this kind of senseless individualism,” Penny Rollins said.  “We have social norms that have served us well and have made Portage the great place it is.”

The by-law will make wearing non-plaid shirts to socials, parties, weddings and public gatherings a finable offence and the offender the object of public scorn.

“There is an almost endless selection of plaid to pick from so we don’t think wearing non-plaid is necessary,” Rollins said.  “You can still be an individual while wearing plaid.”

Rossburn expresses deep regret for his wardrobe selection and is upset he is the cause of a new and likely ineffective bylaw.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  This disclaimer is for those people who might actually think you weren’t allowed to wear non-plaid clothing in Portage.  Most people realize the abundance of plaid in this place is the result of years of assimilation into some sort of strange rural Canadian sub-culture rooted in beer drinking, pick-up driving and lack of exposure to alternative life-styles and cultures.

Photo:  bark

Photo:  Connie 

Increased Alcohol Consumption Makes Portage Better Than Steinbach & Winkler

Portage la Prairie, MB –

The City of Possibilities is toasting the arrival of a second Liquor Commission outlet as evidence of its superiority to other cities in Southern Manitoba.

Despite the fact both Steinbach and Winkler are experiencing population growth higher than Portage, locals have maintained their city is still better and more fun.

“We beat Winkler and Steinbach all the time in hockey,” Portager Drew Mandel said.  “We have a lake, Island Park and a really nice rink so Portage is way better.  And we know how to party.

When both Winkler and Steinbach built fancy new Liquor Commissions, many Portagers felt slighted by their predominately Mennonite rivals.

“How did Winkler and Steinbach get new LC’s before us?” Portager Eugene Wilson shared.  “A town that used to be dry has a nicer booze store than us.  How does that work?”

Portage has pride in its drinking reputation and the start of construction on the new west-end LC is being celebrated.

“We always knew we could out drink Winkler and Steinbach.  That was never in doubt.  Mennonites will only drink when there are no other Mennonites around,” Portager Billy Friessen said.  “Now we can point to our two locations as indisputable proof we party harder.”

“The only other cities in Manitoba to give us a run at liquor consumption would be Dauphin, Swan River and perhaps Selkirk,” Wilson added.  “But they don’t have two locations so I guess we are better drinkers.”

Portage is looking at marketing itself as a party town in hopes of increasing its appeal as a place to live and invest.

“We know how to party better than anyone,” Friessen offered.  “We should embrace that and advertise it more.  And maybe businesses and people will want to move here.”

“Winkler is known for its work ethic but that is boring.  Younger generations would like the party message much better,” Wilson said.  “We could really build on this.”

An informal survey of Portagers confirm most feel that drinking more increases their positive feelings for the city.

With an east and west end location, the Liquor Commission stores join retail icons like 7-11 and Tim Hortons and could assist in defining west and east Portage.  Click here to read the story on how Portage la Prairie is divided here.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  This is an entertainment site and not a news outlet.  We don’t make fake news to trick people we create fiction to entertain and challenge.   Enjoy in moderation and share responsibly.

Photo:  lemonjenny – https://www.flickr.com/photos/pumpkinjuice/