Portage man sells soul online to Poplar Point man named Jerry

Man Regrets Selling His Soul Online

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Aaron MacDonald found himself unemployed, broke and online when he came up with an idea to get enough money to take his girlfriend Sarah Friesen out on Friday night.

MacDonald decided to sell his soul on Portage la Prairie’s premiere Facebook shopping group, Portage Mom’s Swap and Shop.

“I’ve seen people sell all kinds of crap on there,” MacDonald said.  “Worn out clothes, used bras, out of date computers and obviously stolen goods.  I didn’t have anything like that so I decided to offer up my soul.”

Initially, he was hoping for enough money to buy a case of beer and a pack of smokes but when his post went live a bidding war ensued.

“It was crazy and a little creepy, to be honest,” MacDonald said.  “Six people starting making offers until this guy in Poplar Point offered two hundred bucks.  At first I was pumped.”

The purchaser who MacDonald only knows by the online handle, “Jerry”, showed up within five minutes to bring MacDonald the cash.

“I didn’t think anyone could get from Poplar Point to Portage that fast.  He was here quick.”

After exchanging the cash, MacDonald was expecting to be part of some kind of ceremony or ritual but “Jerry” simply smiled, said “thanks, see you around,” and left.

“I thought I’d have to do some weird necromancy or something but he just took the money and left.  I didn’t feel any different at first so I was laughing pretty hard at this dude.”

About fifteen minutes after the transaction, MacDonald’s girlfriend arrived and he shared the news.

“I thought it was hilarious but when I gave her a hug I suddenly felt the difference,” MacDonald shared.

The normal warm emotional sensations he typically felt embracing Sarah were completely gone and he realized the loss of his soul stopped him from feeling any form of love.

“I was pretty pissed at him,” Friesen said.  “What kind of idiot sells his soul to a complete stranger online?”

“I tried contacting “Jerry” on Facebook but his profile was deleted,” MacDonald said.  “I just want to get my soul back.  I shouldn’t have been so dumb.”

MacDonald and Friesen have made flyers of Aaron’s missing soul and placed them all around Poplar Point.

“We’ve been asking around but nobody has heard of “Jerry” or recall seeing anyone who looks like him,” Friesen said.

The couple has been monitoring the Portage Mom’s Swap and Shop Group to see if anyone tries to resell the soul.

“My soul wasn’t the greatest, but I really miss it and need it back,” MacDonald said.  “If anyone sees it at a garage sale or in a pawn shop please let me know because I need it back.”

Friesen has been looking for a replacement soul online but has had no luck so far.

“I’ve posted all across Canada looking for someone desperate enough to sell their soul.  I’m sure we can find a replacement until Aaron get’s his back.”

The couple admits they will have to pay less than the two hundred dollars MacDonald received for his, as over half of the money has already been spent.

“I think I’ll find some discount souls in the Steinbach area when garage sales fire up this spring,” MacDonald said.

Until then, anyone who sees a damaged, second-hand soul or a guy called Jerry are asked to notify the Police.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While we believe souls are real along with the places of Portage la Prairie and Poplar Point we don’t believe people named Jerry are going around buying them off desperate people.  This is all silly.  Nonsense.  Stupid.  Please consume and share accordingly.  Long live Pedro!

Photo Credit – Georgia

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Woman beats influenza and all illness with garlic cure

Woman’s Garlic Cure Is More Effective Than Flu-Shot But Makes Her Smell Worse Than Dead Animal

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

For the past eighteen years, Ingrid Salisbury has consumed four large cloves of garlic a day and has not been ill once during that time.

“It is truly remarkable she has gone that long without being sick,” medical expert Brian Draward said, “We conducted research on her for the past three years to try and validate her claim about the garlic.  We can confirm Ms. Salisbury has successfully beat any and all viral infections including all strains of influenza.  We believe, beyond a doubt, it is due to her consumption of copious amount of garlic.”

The news was initially greeted by anti-vaxxers as a victory against influenza vaccinations but their celebrations were cut short by the additional medical explanation.

“After studying and smelling Ms. Salisbury we realized the garlic was doing nothing internally or medically to help her against the flu,” Draward explained.  “It was the social isolation and the lack of any and all meaningful human contact resulting from her overwhelming odour.”

Experts compared Salisbury’s scent to that of a dead animal being masked by rancid garlic stuck in a teen’s shoe.

“This woman avoided human contact that would result in the spread of the virus by remaining over ten feet away from everyone else,” Draward shared.  “During the study our team had to utilize masks and breathing apparatus to deal with Ms. Salisbury.”

The single 42-year-old woman lives alone and is okay with the absence of significant human contact as long as it keeps the flu at bay.

“I’m kind of an introvert anyway,” Salisbury said via cell phone.  “I’m the healthiest person I know.”

While effective for keeping viruses away from her, Salisbury laments the loss of romance in her life as in-person dating is no longer possible.

“I’m just dating online now, looking for a special someone who eats as much garlic as I do so,” Salisbury shared.

She has found some potential garlic mates in Slovakia and Poland but since sailing is the only travel option, she has not been able to take her relationships to the next level.

Scientists estimate it would take about eighteen months for the smell to leave Salisbury so she could interact like a typical person with coffee breath.

“I might opt for the vaccine yet but I’ve been by myself for so long I’m not sure I care.  As long as my cats still don’t mind I’ll be happy.”

Notice to readers/ disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While the fear of the flu and accompanying vaccines are real along with garlic, this story was made up and is not real. Please do not try to fool your friends or yourself into thinking this is a real news story.  That would make you similar to Donald Trump and nobody is comfortable with that comparison.  Remember to treat satire and humour like the consumption of garlic and exercise extreme caution when doing so.

Photo Credit – Michael Whitney

Woman's average family leave her little to brag about on social media desperate, she turns to cults, cats, volunteering and possible local politics for validation.

Social Media Desperation Forces Local Woman To Consider Joining Cult Or Posting Cat Photos For Validation

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Esther Waldheim is waving the white flag of surrender in a social media arms race she no longer has the weapons to compete.

“My kids are all grown up now,” Waldheim admitted.  “Ones doing slightly below average in College while the other has a boring middle-management job.  They give me no sense of pride or identity.  And sadly, they provide me nothing to post.”

The 58 year-old mother of two sons, Eric and Jared, says she has struggled with social media induced anxiety and depression since her children graduated and became adults.

“When they were young, I’d post things about how great they were doing at school all the time.  And when their grades weren’t good I always had their sports to brag about.  But now, I’ve got nothing.”

Waldheim’s friends and relatives still find a steady stream of items to boast about on social media ranging from their husband’s career accomplishments to new grandchildren but Waldheim has been left with little to share online.

“My husband’s job is nothing and I hate mine,” Waldheim bemoaned.  “I’ve gotten so low I’m putting up pictures of my cats.  Pretty soon I’ll have to start sharing religious memes and funny YouTube videos if my kids don’t get their lives together.”

The life-long and downtrodden Portager longs for the time when her children still had potential and laments how they turned out to be boring, average adults.

“I hope they get married and have kids soon,” Waldheim offered.  “I can’t take this for much longer.  Everyone else’s timeline is so much better than mine.  Why did I get stuck with an average family?”

Waldheim is so desperate to find meaning and fulfillment she is considering volunteering at the local soup kitchen or joining a cult.

“I need some kind of validation in my life.  My husband and kids aren’t providing much in the way of support so I might have to go elsewhere to find some kind of justification to live.”

She considered getting into municipal or school board politics but felt, “I’m not quite that desperate for attention and abuse yet.  I’ll try the cult thing first.  If it doesn’t work out I’ll think about running in the fall election.”

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

Photo Credit –

Woman Earns $10,000 Monthly Selling Mostly Used Bras and Underwear in Swap & Shop Facebook Group

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Kendra Peters found the Portage goose that lays golden eggs with the local Facebook group “Mom’s Swap & Shop”.  The long-time Portager joined the group last year in hopes of finding a few deals and off-loading some of her gently worn clothing but now earns over $10,000 a month.

While she admits she has to endure a lot of drama and haters, her strategy of using the free advertising to sell items she buys at garage sales, thrift stores and from other group members is making her piles of cash.

“I’m kinda hot so when I find underwear and lingerie to sell I model it,” Kendra Peters explained.  “I get lots of likes and shares from the guys and my items usually go in minutes.”

Peters became a hyper-swap & shopper and received spiteful and jealous comments from within the group.

“Those other b#tches can kiss my a%*.  I stay on top of each posting in both swap and shop groups as well as Portage Online, when I see a good item I always comment that I want it.  I only end up showing up for 10% of what I say I will but who cares?”

Portage’s original “Mom’s Swap and Shop” group saw a disgruntled splinter group form their own “Mom’s Swap & Shop” group.  Many members we spoke with were upset people who were not mothers were actively trading on both sites.

There has been an array of threats and accusations made between the rival swap and shop groups, with members who openly participate in both groups being the biggest targets.  Each group claim the other’s members use dirty tactics like not showing up to buy an item the said they would purchase, posting stolen items, selling broken or damaged goods and making negative and hurtful comments on postings.

It’s a rough place to buy and sell, but for those willing to be tough and adapt, deals are there and money can be made.

“A lot of people don’t show up but you can just keep reposting it until someone does,” Peters said.  “If you see someone else selling more than you just start talking sh%t about them until they back off.”

“I took a lot of flack for selling half-dead plants, stained men’s gitch, dirty plates and recycled toilets, but I made some good money.  So take that haters!  I’m hot and I guess sex sells.”

Calls for comment from the page administrators have gone unanswered.

More details on this story as they become available.

 

Photo: midwestnerd: https://www.flickr.com/photos/20553990@N06/

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