Senior Hockey Star for Oakville Seals gets try out with Winnipeg Jets

Local Senior Hockey Star Gets NHL Shot With Injury To Winnipeg Jets’ Scheifele

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Rinks around Southern Manitoba are buzzing over the prospect of a star player from our own backyard getting a shot at the NHL.

When the Winnipeg Jets lost one of their top players to injury, Tyler Murray was poised to make the most the opportunity.

“I’ve been dedicated to getting better and refining my game just in case something like this would happen,” Murray explained.  “Even though I was never drafted I felt if I worked hard I could be one of those late bloomers who make it.”  Murray was passed over in the bantam draft for the WHL and MJHL and never heard his name called in either of his NHL draft years.

A star in Portage Minor Hockey, regional AAA teams, high school, the Keystone Junior B Hockey League, Manitoba Junior Hockey League and Manitoba Major Junior Hockey League, Murray has increased his offensive output and learned to be a two hundred foot player while playing for several Senior A teams over the last four years.

“Right now I’m averaging about 1.4 goals per game and I’m like a plus 20 or something,” Murray said of his current season with the Oakville Seals of the Central Senior Hockey League.  “I feel I’m playing my best hockey right now.”

Coaches and team mates agree Murray is ready to make the jump from Senior hockey to the NHL.

“We have lots of guys in our league who have been junior stars and a few who have played pro and right now Murr is the best player in the league and the biggest pain in the ass,” Player/Coach Robert Morse said.  “During the last NHL lock out we had a couple of NHLers play with us and Murray is just as good as them and he doesn’t stop telling us.”

While Murray has not yet signed a professional try out contract with the Jets, he is confident he’ll get a look to replace the Jet’s injured top centre.

The Winnipeg Jets confirmed they have not been in talks with Murray about a try out or contract but Murray isn’t worried as he hopes to get something done with the club over the next couple days.

“They practise out of the Ice-Plex in Headingley so I’ve booked ice right before their next practice,” Murray shared.  “Once they see what I can do I’ll likely just stick around for their practice and go from there.”

“Right now I’m a UFA(unrestricted free agent) so I can demand a lot on the open market,” Murray said.  “I’m pretty sure the Jets will be fair with me.”

The development arc for Murray has been impressive.  In AAA bantam for the Central Plains Capitals he put up a mere 12 points in 37 games, but by the time he made the Portage High School team he put up 27 points in 24 games.  From there he was invited to Junior A camps but opted for the Manitoba Major Junior League’s Pembina Thrashers before being traded to the Stonewall Jets.  Despite being held pointless in his first full season he managed to find a spot with the Neepawa Natives of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League where he put up 25 goals in 50 games.  The following season he split his time between St. Malo of the KJHL and River East of the MMJHL.  A veteran of almost every hockey league in Manitoba, Murray feels the adversity has prepared the 25 year-old for what is next.

“While other guys my age slow down and stop working out, I’ve ramped it up.  I train 12 months a year and I rent my own ice 6 times a week.  That’s why I’m so sick.”

The Oakville Seals will miss their rising star if he makes the big club.

“With him in the line up we’re pretty good,” team-mate Bradley Posner said.  “Most of the guys don’t really give a shit if we win, but Murr is always going a hundred and twenty per cent.  He kind of belongs at a higher level with that type of mindset.  I get tired of listening to him chisel points so the break will be nice.”

“Sure I like to win,” Murray said.  “But in senior hockey, a lot of times it’s the team that is sober who wins so a lot of the time I just go out for points.”

“I put together a little highlight package of my better goals this year and I’ll give that to Chevy(Jets G.M. Kevin Cheveldayoff) and Paul(Jets Head Coach Paul Maurice) after I skate with them but they probably won’t need it.  I’ve been watching their goalies on TV and I’m pretty sure I can exploit them in pracky.”

“I’d love to make the NHL,” Murray shared.  “Not only would it be a dream to play in the best league in the world but it would almost one hundred per cent guarantee I could find a really hot girlfriend.”

CIPP-TV’s “Get The Puck Out” will be following Murray’s progress with the Jets and provide viewers with updates.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  Fiction and Satire are generally sure-fire signs the story is made up and not real.  You’re smart though and already figured that out.  Good for you but this is for the dumb people out there who think Donald Trump and Facebook are real.

Photo Credit:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/32445922024/in/album-72157679433615780/

Advertisements
Portage la Prairie names main street Pallister Boulevard to honour Premier Brian Pallister

Province Demands Portage Change Name Of Saskatchewan Ave. To Pallister Boulevard

Winnipeg, MB –

With the Winnipeg Blue Bombers on the upswing, the Saskatchewan Roughriders lagging and a Portage la Prairie native as Premier, the time has come for Portage la Prairie to change the name of its main street.

Officials from the Provincial Government have requested the City of Portage la Prairie look at changing the name of Saskatchewan Avenue to something more supportive of Manitoba.

“I’m a mild Blue Bomber fan and I’ve always been kind of embarrassed by the name of our main street,” Portager Marvin Murdoch said.  “It’s hard to spell and for Americans coming here to hunt, it’s hard to say.”

Representatives from the City of Winnipeg were quick to weigh in on the name change suggesting Portage la Prairie should return the favour and name their main drag after Winnipeg.

“Portage Avenue is world-famous and we are proud of our main street name being connected to Portage la Prairie,” Winnipeg spokesperson Michelle Watson said.  “I think Winnipeg Avenue would be a perfect option for Portage la Prairie.”

The City of Brandon emailed their support for using Brandon Avenue as an alternative but the notion was quickly dismissed, as no one from the city wanted the branding associated with Brandon.

Lobbying efforts have included calls for the street to be re-named MacGregor Avenue and Oakville Avenue but no one has advocated for Newton Avenue or Elie Avenue.

Ridiculous suggestions have come in from as far west as Alberta with Calgary and Edmonton Avenue being put on the table.  From the east, the City of Toronto automatically recommended the street be called Toronto Avenue.

To satisfy the political pressure from the Premier’s Office in Winnipeg Portage was provided an initial short list of options and narrowed it down to the following names.

Campbell Avenue in honour of Douglas Campbell 13th Premier of Manitoba.

Weir Avenue after Walter Weir 15th Premier of Manitoba.  This was taken off the list after it was noted although Mr. Weir was born in High Bluff, educated in Portage la Prairie he did move to Saskatchewan to become an undertaker.

Pallister Boulevard to honour our current Premier and fellow Portager Brian Pallister.

Manitobah Avenue to pay homage to Portage la Prairie’s fleeting Republic of Manitobah led by Thomas Spence.

In a shocking and completely self-serving attempt to suck up, city officials have indicated Pallister Avenue will be the new name of Portage la Prairie’s main street formerly known as Saskatchewan Avenue.

Costa Rico To Join Canada – Pallister To Be First Premier of Two Provinces

Unnamed and unreliable sources say the decision was made to apply more pressure on the provincial government to fund the completion of the street in the west end of Portage.

“Hey I’m all for calling it Pallister Boulevard if it gets the rest of it paved,” Marvin Murdoch said.  “We all know he can put the bull in boulevard.”

“I think it’s nice to honour our home town hero,” Angela Fledner offered.  “Brian is so tall he should have a street named after him.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means it is a joke.  Humour.  Not real.  Please read and share responsibly.

Photo credit:  U.S. Department of Agriculture

lost couple in portage la prairie

Locals Give Poor Directions – Visitors Lost In Portage For Days

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A short trip to Portage from Winnipeg to pick up an online purchase turned into a three-day odyssey for Bill and Susie Labossier.

The couple purchased an oak china cabinet through a popular internet shopping portal and thought picking the item up would be the easy part.

“We hadn’t been to Portage before but figured how hard could it be to find the place in a small town,” Susie Labossier said.

The majority of Portage uses a grid system of dull, uninspiring number based street names except for the prestigious areas in the south part of the city.  The Labossiers were seeking a residence on Estate Street but since they don’t have a data plan with their cellular phones they stopped on Saskatchewan Avenue to ask for directions.

“The first person we asked said he wasn’t sure but said if it was a name it would be in KoKo Platz or Mellenville,” Bill Labossier explained.  “We thought the fellow was drunk and figured Mellenville was another town and KoKo Platz was, well, we didn’t know what the heck it was.”

The Winnipeggers met other Portagers willing to help.  They directed them to the south part of the city by following Crescent Road.

“They told us Estate ran off of ‘the Crescent’ so we followed Crescent Road but got lost when it turned into River Road and Wilkinson Crescent,” Labossier said.  “We didn’t find Estate anywhere so we had to ask someone else.”

The visitors came across Barry Smitherson out for his nightly walk along the lake.

“I told them Estate wasn’t in Koko or Mellenville and that it is an address at Southport,” Smitherson said.  “I explained exactly how to get there.  Go past the Boys Home.  You’ll come to a road leading to the Republic of Manitobah Park.  Don’t turn there.  You’ll go by the old MTN building on your left.  Keep going down the 240.  You’ll go over the by-pass and then the turn to old bridge road.  That is the old road to Southport.  Don’t turn down there cause they took out the bridge years ago.  Keep going until you pass the river and come to the Hoop and Holler road and the St. Claude highway.  Don’t take either one of those.  Keep going south and you’ll come to the base.”

To the Labossiers, Smitherson was speaking in some kind of local tongues.  Despite Smitherson’s help the Labossiers did make it out to the former Canadian Forces Base, Southport a day later.

“We had to stay the night because it was getting late by that time and there was nobody around to ask for  directions.”

The next morning the couple found more directions that took them to Newton, Oakville, Poplar Point and High Bluff.  Estate street still eluded them.  The following day while roaming around Bowes trailer court the couple found someone who used to live on Estate Street.

“We came across this odd woman and her dog who claimed she knew what we were talking about.”

The strange woman was life-long Portager Evelyn Baggs and she told the couple exactly how to find Estate Street in Portage’s northwest corner.

“The place they were looking for was just two doors down from where I used to live,” Baggs shared.  “Okay, I said.  You want to go down the old highway because the Trans Canada is closed at the tracks.  Once you take the old hwy turn at the road to McCains and follow that.  There will be an old lagoon on the left we used to shoot skunks at, go right on past that.  You’ll see the Peony Farm on the right.  My aunt used to live there.  She had a big garden with raspberries.  After you pass McCains you’ll go by the old Hips plant turn at the next stop sign and turn right.  You’ll go right by the school I used to play slow-pitch at.  The diamonds aren’t there anymore and you’ll want to keep on driving.  At the end you’ll come to third turn right.  You’ll come to the Manitoba School.  Turn left and keep going ‘til you get to the Delta highway.  Turn left and then go by the old Chus-a-Treat another block until you get to Centennial Hall. Turn right and keep going straight.  You’ll come to Estate Street in the Skerwood mobile home park.  You can’t really read the sign anymore but if you get to Campbell Soups, turn around because you’ve gone too far.”

Even though Baggs provided exact directions the Labossiers ended up lost in the city’s north end for another day.

“We decided to camp at Beaver stadium for the night and managed to find Estate street the next day,” Bill Labossier said.  “We got our china cabinet and got the heck back to Winnipeg where it’s easy to get around.”

While the Winnipeggers still feel it was poor directions that caused them to be lost for three days in Portage la Prairie, it would be difficult to blame the Portagers involved after hearing the detailed help they provided.

“Hell if you can’t find your way around Portage, you won’t find your way anywhere,” Baggs said.  “I don’t think they educate them very well in the city (Winnipeg).  I can tell you how to find anything in Portage but I can’t fix stupid.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  

Photo: Jose Hernandez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/151337224@N02/

Survey Shows Portagers Make Love More Often Than Any Other Municipality Except For Carman – Oakville Close Behind

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

The results are in, and it looks like Portage likes it on top when it comes to making whoopee.  According to a new survey of bedroom habits, Portage and Carman beat all other cities and towns hands down when measuring how often they do the deed.

Portagers, on average, have sex 15.85 times per week, nosed out by Carmanites who boast a 15.98 average.  Oakville, nestled comfortably between Portage and Carman, rounded out the threesome of top performers with a robust 15.69 per week average.

The Manitoba sex survey exposes how Portagers and Carmanites are getting it on almost twice as often as people from Brandon, Morden, Virden, Swan River and Dauphin, and are getting to know each other Biblically four times more frequently than Steinbach, Winkler and Altona.  It is important to point out that fertility rates for the Bible-belt towns are more than triple that of Portage making them far more efficient, but not as passionate lovers.

The volume of sex Portagers are having is seen as a main reason why so many cultural and entertainment events are modestly attended when compared to other places in the province.

“We have speculated why so few people attend shows and events,” local promoter Vance Donaldson said.  “Now we finally know why we can’t sell as many tickets in Portage.”

It would also partly explain why attendance at Portage Terrier games is not as high as places like Steinbach and Virden despite the team having won more championships than any other team in the past decade.

Local internet providers have noted that Portage has a much higher rate of Netflix subscriptions.  “Netflix and chill may well be the favorite pass time in Portage,” city spokesperson Sheila Snaith explained.  “We are not going to settle for being number two.  We want to pass Carman and take that number one spot.”

Portage will be coming up with a promotional plan to increase the amount of love-making in time for the next survey.  Ideas under consideration are rolling blackouts during winter months, closing the highway to Winnipeg more often, increasing internet speed and working with the Portage Library to stock more romance and erotic titles.

“We can be proud of our city’s sexual exploits but I know we can do better if we just bear down and try a bit harder,” Snaith said.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire and perhaps, funny.

Photo: Lucia Sanchez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/gusilu/