Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

The National Hockey League bans fighting for players and opens it up for fans

NHL Bans Fighting For Players, Opens It Up For Hockey Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Exclusive to “Get The Puck Out”

In a bold move to modernize the National Hockey League, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced starting next season fighting will be banned for players but measures will be put in place to allow fans to fight while attending games.

“Today we address two major issues for the National Hockey League,” Gary Bettman said.  “Player safety is paramount in light of what we know but mostly ignore about CTE.  Furthermore, our fans are demanding more from their NHL in-game experience, and to provide the ultimate fan engagement, we will be allowing select fans the chance to fight on behalf of their team during NHL contests.”

The League and Board of Governors are establishing the Fan Fury Festival in every NHL arena, an opportunity for fans to battle UFC style for their favourite team and take over the pugilism from the players.

“It no longer makes sound financial sense for our players, who are all multi-millionaires to put their bodies at risk of injury.  We have a pool of willing fans, who are worth far less than NHL players, wanting to put their health and safety on the line for the team,” Bettman explained.

A fighting cage will be retro-fitted in each rink to allow fans to fight in response to a dirty hit, a cheap shot, taunting, chirping or if their team is not playing well and needs a lift.  A fan representing each team will pay extra for the chance to fight and will be placed in the cage to duke it out in a ninety second match broadcast in-house on the scoreboard video screen as well as on NHL partner broadcasts.

Games will pause for the duration of the fight and the players will be encouraged to watch the fight on the centre ice screens and draw inspiration and energy from the battling fans.

“In today’s NHL, fans travel to road games more than ever,” Bettman offered.  “This will add a dynamic new element to the game and encourage more out-of-town visits from travelling fans, and a new level of interaction with the game, currently unheard of in professional sport.

Fans around the league are overwhelmingly positive about the announcement to move fighting off the ice and away from the players to the stands and amongst the fans.

“I can hardly wait to pay for the chance to punch a Flyers fan in the face,” Winnipeg Jets fan Benjamin Froese said.  “Home or away, it won’t matter to me.  I’d love to bloody that ugly orange jersey.”

“It only makes sense to protect performers making millions a year from hurting themselves in a fight when you have an abundance of low-life, low-value fans who can do it for them,” Toronto Maple Leafs fan Irving Wallace said.

“This is the best idea the NHL has ever had,” Montreal fan Claude Burns said.  “This takes the seventh man to a whole new level.  I can hardly wait until the Bruins come to town next year.”

Local team websites have been inundated with inquiries from fans wanting to know when they can sign up and pay for the new ultimate game experience.

“I’d pay you double what my season tickets are if you give me a chance to kick a Calgary Flames fan’s ass,” Edmonton Oiler fan Bernie Webber offered.  “I’d fight to help my team win, and so I could beat the crap out of somebody without getting arrested.”

Initial cost per round of Fan Fury Festival is rumoured to be $1,200 per participant but the NHL is waiting to gauge market reaction before setting ticket prices as high as possible but the totals will not be included in hockey related revenues.

“This will be a premium product offering, so it would make sense that it will carry a premium price,” Bettman warned.  “We never wanted to take fighting out of hockey so this is a great way to preserve the traditions of our great and storied league while advancing it into the future.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure, explanation and links to further legal notifications.  Basically they are there to make sure you understand this story and website are completely fictional and primarily satirical.  While the NHL, mentioned teams, and Gary Bettman are real the story and quotes are completely fictional, made up and perhaps funny and intended for the entertainment of the tens if not dozens of people who read this site on a daily basis.  Please don’t try to trick your friends on social media into thinking this is real as they may grow to distrust and dislike you when they tell their buddy at the game this idea is for real.  Most people will realize the NHL would never to anything this silly but for the rest of the people holding out for a cure for stupid we provide a long-winded and silly disclaimer.

Photo credit – Mark Mauno