Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and several other important legal declarations.  We do not assume any responsibility for your inability to discern satire, humour and fiction from reality.  Please eat and drink responsibly.  Objects in your bathroom mirror may be larger than they appear, other objects may be smaller, depends on the mirror and angle of viewing.  Please do not throw your trash from vehicles doing over 60mph on the highway.  Reduce, reuse and recycle where facilities exist.  Where facilities do not exist just burn it.  Make love not war.  Eat lots of fibre.  Remember to drink your Ovaltine.  Sniff it before you put it on and always be thankful for what you have.

Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

CIPP-TV wins national award for pandering news coverage of local non-accomplishment

C.I.P.P.-TV Wins National Award For Pandering News Coverage Of Local Non-Accomplishments

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Popular local TV station C.I.P.P. was winner of a prestigious national award from the CRTC for excellence in news and information gathering.

The annual For The People Award was presented to station owner and general pain in the ass Ryan Coke last night at a gala in Ottawa.

“It’s an honour to receive this award in our first year of operation, it was one of our goals when we started C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 to win a national award,” Ryan Coke said in a written statement since he no longer speaks directly to his staff using words.

The CRTC hands out the For The People Award to the station which “demonstrates excellence in pandering to local community groups, businesses and organizations for financial or political gain in their local expression and information gathering.  For The People Award honours those broadcasters making little to no actual difference in their communities by covering stories that are truly about nothing more than self-congratulation and positive presentations on events, issues and initiatives that accomplish nothing.”

A story about the City of Portage la Prairie placing 11th on the list of best places to live in Manitoba scored the upstart media outlet the win.  The six-minute feature story outlined all the highlights and benefits of Portage and area and included a rousing pitch from elected officials and prominent business leaders.  Locals credit the piece for helping Portage climb from 15th place all the way to 11 as they noted nothing had actually changed from the last time the survey was done.

“Channel 116 C.I.P.P. did an amazing job in it’s first few months of operation,” CRTC presenter Vaughn Peterson-Kent said.  “Their coverage of Portage la Prairie and the entire Central Plains area did an excellent job in making the place look almost inhabitable and successfully won over business and elected officials.  They are a shining light to the rest of the country as to what imaginary, sarcastic and satirical media outlets can achieve.  C.I.P.P. TV is a true champion for their community and we are pleased to celebrate them.  It is further evidence we made the right decision in giving them a broadcast license even though they exist only on the inter-web.”

Ryan Coke was reported to have been quite surprised at the award since he felt “the overall ability and creativity of our team is deplorable.”

“I actually thought the story from CKX in Brandon about the pathetic attempt at a city-wide garbage clean up sponsored by a fast food chain would win,” Coke admitted.

Staff at the local television station of choice took the opportunity to celebrate at a local pizza restaurant called Mano’s by getting drunk, loud and obnoxious, which is what most of their stories are like.

“We’ve pandered and pooh-poohed just about every business and group possible so far and its nice to be acknowledged for doing what we do,” Ryan Coke said.  “Winning a national award really validates us and what we do.  It’s what we live for actually.  We can now say we are an award-winning station.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and get the full legal low down on the fictional nature of this story and website.  Don’t worry CIPP-TV is not a real television station and they did not receive a national award for their ridiculous stories and so-called coverage.  They do covet a national award because everybody likes to get a trophy and nowadays you can get a trophy for just about anything, not to mention get a national award.  Awards are good but that doesn’t make this story any more real.  Don’t try and trick your friends into thinking this is real or they will grow to dislike you more and trust you less, if that is possible.  Don’t drink and drive either.  Certainly don’t text and drive and please don’t leave your dog in the car on a hot day.  These are very bad things you should avoid.  Now aren’t you glad you read this entire paragraph?

Photo Credit – John S and James L. Knight