Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

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Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

Canada sends Mennonite people packing.

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB –

A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century.

“We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America when we started looking at the whole Menno-thing,” federal government spokesperson Elvira Gauthier said.  “Modern Canada might not be the best fit for Mennonites.  We think it is best they leave.”

Originally, Mennonites were allowed and invited to come to Canada to escape revolutions in Russia and the U.S.A.  At first, it was a win-win situation with Canada needing settlers and farmers and Mennonites needing a sanctuary to avoid persecution and military participation.  Today it is seen as an uncomfortable arrangement.

“Things have settled down in Russia lately so we don’t see any reason why they can’t go back,” Gauthier said.  “As a government we are growing weary of their aversion to military duty.  It was a pain during both world wars and, if we end up having to get into it with the U.S.A. at some point, we can’t have a huge group opting out again.”

The plan is for all Mennonites originating from Russia, Mexico and South America to start returning home by the end of the year.  Mennonites who came to Canada from the United States during the American Revolution will not be deported as it has been deemed unsafe to return.  Once political stability returns to the U.S.A. the green light will be given to them to go back.

Members of Parliament who are Mennonite will also be required to leave, including Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader, Murphy Braun.  Braun’s maiden name is Klippenstein, a family coming from Prussia in the late 1800’s.

“I think it is good for Canada,” Portager Pat Perkins said.  “I don’t mind the Mennonites.  They did a lot of good, but times up I guess.”

An abundance of agricultural land in Southern Ontario and across the prairies along with valuable real estate in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia will be repatriated during the upcoming migration.

“We took a lot of land from First Nations during the homesteading program of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s and gave it to immigrants like the Mennonites,” Gauthier explained.  “With them gone we can settle most of the outstanding land claims and get the First Nations off our backs.  This will be really good for Canada.

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites have become successful farmers, entrepreneurs and some have even become political leaders and musicians.

“The original intent of the government was to have them stay on reserves and remain marginalized and isolated,” Gauthier reasoned.  “We didn’t expect them to go beyond the original Mennonite reserves and start dominating the culture and society in many jurisdictions.  They are an enterprising group for sure.  I’m sure they will be just as successful back in Russia and South America.”

Leaders from Russia, Mexico, Bolivia, Belize, and Paraguay have all signed agreements to welcome their Mennonites back.

C.I.P.P.-TV did not include interviews from any actual Mennonites because they were upset and negative and our mandate as a station is to provide a positive reflection of our community.

“The government will be happy to get rid of Mennonite representatives like Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun because they share a strange right-wing, pseudo-religious perspective that is sympathetic to the American Regime,” Gauthier said.  “It’s odd, they are pacifists but support gun ownership, are pro-Israel and are comfortable with America’s military agenda.”

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites en masse have moved from a secluded religious existence to a more toned down secular life-style while maintaining an awkward spiritual aloofness and moral superiority.  This has made them more widely accepted by Canadian society without being fully integrated.

“Mennonites are part of Canada’s rich cultural history and we wish them the best in their new-old home,” Gauthier said.  “Those countries, fortunate enough to welcome them back, will come to enjoy their odd but hard-working and enterprising ways.”

Canada will miss Mennonite expertise in running thrift stores and making quilts but the elimination of their contributions to the countries culinary landscape will be welcomed.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical reality of this story and website.  There is also more legal ramblings to savour.  Fictional means made up, not real.  Satirical means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Mennonites are not being deported, well not all of them, yet.  Some might be but it is unlikely but we digress.  This website is completely fictional and satirical so do not share this on social media thinking you’ve found proof of a conspiracy against Mennonites.  This website means no harm and wishes no ill on Mennonites, Hutterites, The Amish or any other religious and ethnic group.  We reserve the right to make fun of Mennonites because some the writers of this site may in fact, be Mennonite.  Obviously, we are not good Mennonites but that is not being offered up for debate.  Debating is not for Mennonites, we simply preach, judge and move on.  See, a judgy comment to prove our point.  Oba Yo!

Photo credit – Ted Eytan

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Nickelback's Chad Kroeger becomes worship pastor

Portage Church To Hire Chad Kroeger as Worship Pastor To Help Resurrect His Career

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

For years, closet Nickelback fan and Pastor, Kevin Bunski, drew inspiration from the music of Canada’s most iconic rock band so when he had the chance to hire front man Chad Kroeger as the Worship Pastor for the Portage Assembly of Christians Church he went for it.  Click here to read about Bunski using Nickelback songs for sermons.

“We had posted for the vacant position when our last worship leader had to leave for reasons we won’t speak about,” Bunski explained.  “When I saw Chad’s application I squealed a ‘Praise Jesus’ and made the call right away.

To outsiders it might seem odd that a rock and roll superstar would be a good fit for a music pastors but Bunski makes some compelling arguments for the move.

“As I’ve said before, Christians love Nickelback,” Bunski explained.  “Most Christians keep this a secret but at P.A.C. we have come out publicly on this issue. “

“Chad has long identified with his mother’s Mennonite heritage, opting to use her maiden name for his stage handle,” Bunski said.  “We have questioned Chad extensively and are convinced he is a Mennonite at heart and therefore automatically qualified for Christian service.”

Kroeger is scheduled to start next month and is promising to add a lot of energy and edge to the traditional praise and worship choruses offered up at the Portage Assembly of Christians.

“He will be great for evangelism and attracting young Christians under 55 from other area churches who are looking for a more modern expression of their faith,” Bunski said.  “We had to pay a lot to get him to come here but we should be able to generate a lot more income with more people attending.”

Bunski also notes that older adherents will find Kroeger more acceptable since he opted for a shorter hair-style and has sacrificed his goatee.

“While a more full beard is preferable and more Mennonite, I wouldn’t be upset if he went back to the goatee.  Christians would see that as being a little more hipster and that is all the rage in church circles.

Nickelback will be on hiatus while Kroeger takes on his new role but Bunski is willing to offer flexibility to his superstar pastor to tour in the future.

“In the church we have this thing called sabbatical,” Bunski said.  “Sometimes we like to spiritualize it but it’s usually just an extended paid vacation.  If Chad needs to tour for a while I’m sure we can get a sabbatical approved for him.”

The Portage Assembly of Christians Church is planning a special fund-raising supper to raise money for a new and more robust sound system.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full schpeel on this story and website being fictional, satirical and funny.  Don’t try and trick people into thinking it’s real by posting this on social media, claiming to be outraged at the state of the world and the stupidity of the story.  CIPPTV is not a real TV station.  It’s not even a station it is a website that has ridiculous stories and tales of satire and stupidity.  We are trying to use the word stupidity a lot so it  shows up in search engine results.  Why?  We don’t know why, perhaps we are just board.

Photo Credit:  Focka