Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Osgood-Schlatter survivors get help with two new initiatives, Run for the Cure and Take A Knee campaign.

Taking A Knee During Anthems Could Help End Osgood-Schlatter Disease

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

It is a disease that strikes mostly young men in their athletic prime and if mayoral candidate, Ryan Coke, is elected it will be eliminated.

“Osgood-Schlatter is a terrible disease that has shattered many young Portage athlete’s dreams,” Ryan Coke said at a glitzy press conference at Stride Place featuring a bouncy castle and free cotton candy.  “The future is now.  It’s time to find a cure and end this horrible, horrible, deplorable disease.”

Coke is proposing a “run for the cure” featuring those affected by Osgood-Schlatter to raise funds and awareness despite the fact the condition attacks the knees of youth.

“When people see an Osgood-Schlatter sufferer struggle to limp their way through a ten kilometer run they will be moved to give,” Coke shared.  “Not only that, but they will never make fun, or marginalize those with the disease again.”

A second initiative Coke is proposing is the “take a knee for OSD” initiative that will encourage athletes and fans to go to one knee during national anthems to raise awareness for the degenerative knee disease.

“Taking a knee for Osgood-Schlatter during anthems will remind people before every sporting event that there are many out there who find kneeling difficult because of this horrible, horrible disease,” Coke explained.  “We are asking everyone who takes a knee to donate a dollar each time to help support families with children battling OSD.”

Osgood-Schlatter affects 4% of the population and targets boys between 10 and 15.  Many with the condition are unaware until diagnosed by a doctor.

“I had no idea I had Osgood-Schlatter or what it was until my doctor said those horrible, horrible words,” OSD survivor Zac Harder said.  “I went to see the doctor with sore knees and I came out of his office with Osgood-Schlatter.  I’m lucky to have come through it all.”

Harder was a promising baseball and hockey player but had to settle for beer-league greatness instead of making the pros.  “I could have made the show if it wasn’t for Osgood-Schlatter and perhaps, a lack of high-end skill,” Harder shared.  “We’ll never know how far I could have gone.  I hate even saying the name Osgood-Schlatter.”

The first 10k Run for the Cure in support of Portage la Prairie Osgood-Schlatter sufferers and survivors goes August 15 at the unusual Island Park.  Donation forms can be picked up in advance at CIPP – TV’s front desk from an overly friendly woman named Susan.

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV, Ryan Coke and this story and website are creations of fiction motivated out of weirdness, satire and an attempt at humour.  If you do not find this funny then please look away.  Not everyone will find this funny.  Some will find it funny.  Either way you will not be alone.  Osgood-Schlatter is a real condition although its effects are marginal and most people who have it go on to live productive and happy lives.  Never give money-raising money for a cure for OSD as they are likely scamming you.  You can send us money but we only accept make-believe money and exist primarily in people’s imagination.  Don’t stop believin’.  Hold on to that feelin’.

Photo Credit – Brett Kelly

Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Billy Neepawa advocates for an off leash cat park for Portage la Prairie

Mayoral Candidate Billy Neepawa Says “The Time Is Meow” For Off-Leash Cat Park

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Portagers could soon be singing, “who let the cats out?” if mayoral candidate Billy Neepawa is elected.  Neepawa made another major announcement to add to his already substantial platform, with a plan for an off-leash park for cats.

“It is time for cats and their human friends to gain the same access to exercise and recreation canines enjoy,” Billy Neepawa proclaimed at another marginally attended press conference.  “When I am elected I will establish an off-leash outdoor recreational area for cat shepherds to bring their felines to and let them run free.”

Neepawa brought several of his own cats to the press conference but his mother Barry Neepawa was notably absent.  Neepawa’s Aunt Rodger was on hand to lend her support.

“Billy’s mom Barry would have loved to be here but she has allergies, not to cats but nonetheless,” Rodger Norwood offered.  “Billy’s got a lot of good ideas and it is time for him to get out of the house and work on them.”

This is the second major announcement in as many days from a candidate clawing his way to the top, and pairs nicely with the proposal to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake to Island Park, aptly named the “Crunnel”.

-Read about Billy Neepawa’s Crunnel idea.

“Our new cat park will be called Portage Pussy Park or PPP for short,” Neepawa explained.  “It will become a destination for cat lovers from around Manitoba and increase tourism ten times from what it is today.  The sight of cats frolicking free and unencumbered will be inspiring.”

The new candidate was short on specifics on how he would fund the construction and maintenance of the new park and tourist attraction.

“I’m not sure where we would get the money but I’m sure we’ll find it.  The budget will kind of sort itself out.  I’m sure the city has accounting people to handle all that boring stuff.”

Portage Pussy Park will be built on beautiful Island Park and be featured on a new website complete with a snappy logo designed by firms and individuals living and working outside of Portage and area.

The park will have unique features like a puke pen, giant litter box for children to play in, lawn bowling with hair balls, cat fighting ring and an organic cat nip zone.

“I think this is the purrrrrfect time and the purrrfect place for this idea,” Neepawa said to cheers and chuckles to the mostly partisan crowd.  “The time is meow,” he further punned.

It is important to note that during the press conference one of Neepawa’s cats urinated in Neepawa’s backpack, an orange cat vomited twice and another hissed and swatted at an attending member of the media.  In general, his felines appeared to be well cared for but socially unstable and hostile at times.

Neepawa ended his press conference by thanking his supporters, elementary school teachers, a friend named Steven along with his neighbour Ross.  He then indicated it was time for him to pussy foot home for a nap.  

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful, great, totally amazing and cat appropriate again.  Thank you and have a great night.

Photo credit – Kellinahandbasket

Billy Neepawa wants to be mayor and dig a tunnel under Crescent Lake

Mayoral Candidate Proposes Tunnel Under Crescent Lake To Replace Planned Causeway

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A long-suffering Portager is throwing his hat in the ring to become Portage la Prairie’s next mayor and tossing out some great new ideas.

“After consulting with my mom and my cats, I have decided to become a candidate for mayor in the next municipal election,” Billy Neepawa announced at a sparsely attended press conference.

“The issues in Portage are numerous, if not obvious, and I intend to solve all of them in my first term,” Neepawa boldly predicted.

Neepawa is the first to declare his candidacy but it is rumoured incumbent Sherman Moffat intends to run for another term while media mogul and CIPP –TV station owner, Ryan Coke, is said to be thinking about taking a run to be Portage’s illustrious leader.  Coke is believed to be concerned about his chances going up against Neepawa.

Billy Neepawa was quick to come out swinging against the current mayor and council.

“We’ve seen the past two city council’s dither and make poor decisions about what to do with the Island Park Bridge.  Today, I’m unveiling my plans to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake instead of the proposed causeway now being looked at.”

“If England and France can have a ‘Chunnel’ connecting them, Portage can certainly build a short tunnel under the lake and I propose we call it the ‘Crunnel’ to stand for Crescent Lake Tunnel.”

The plan calls for a tunnel running from Royal Road under the lake to Island Park.  Neepawa claims the plan will allow the existing bridge to remain as a pedestrian bridge and allow the current causeway to be removed for better water flow.

“We can create an engineering marvel, save the wood bridge and decrease the cost of the project by building a Crunnel,” Neepawa said.  “In addition to the tunnel we will also be able to create a substantial recreational hill on the island with all the dirt we displace.  It may even be tall enough for down hill skiing and snowboarding, creating hundreds of tourism jobs.”

The gathering of mostly friends and relatives had mixed feelings on Neepawa’s plans and candidacy.  His mother Barry Neepawa was happy to see her son get out of the house for the afternoon but refused to speak to reporters.

“I’ve know Billy for years and I think he would make an okay mayor, I guess,” life-long friend Amelia French said.  “I usually don’t vote anyway.  I like the Crunnel idea.”

Jimmy Wiebe, a cousin to Neepawa, was optimistic.  “Billy loves his cats and his mom.  That is the kind of character this town needs.  He’s an out of the box thinker with little to no financial knowledge or skill.  He could quite possibly bankrupt our town.  I’m voting for him for sure!”

Incumbent Mayor Sherman Moffat said he was surprised at Neepawa’s decision but still would not reveal his plans for the fall election.

Political analysts believe Neepawa has wide populist appeal and could pose a formidable challenge.  It is widely believed people like to vote for people who love cats and respect their mothers.

Neepawa has no previous public service experience but did run for vice president in junior high at La Verendrye School, an endeavour he plans to draw on.

“I ran for council at La Verendrye School but I came in third,” Neepawa recalled.  “I lost to the girl who started puberty early and a guy who wore cool beer t-shirts.  I don’t think this election will be a popularity contest so I should be all right.”

The money-saving, job creating tunnel is a great first step in winning the election but it is still early in the race.  With potential candidates who are media moguls, unemployed socialists, uneducated buffoons, leg wrestlers, barn animals, turtle doves and musical stars anything can still happen.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful again.

Photo credit – Eli Duke