Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

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Trudeau To Celebrate Marijuana Legalization By Taking A Rip From St. Claude’s Giant Pipe Oct. 17

St. Claude, MB –

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is kicking off the legalization of marijuana in a big way.

Trudeau is opting to celebrate in St. Claude Manitoba rather than Ottawa with a special afternoon ceremony at 4:20pm local time.

“There is no more fitting place to mark this historic moment,” Prime Minister Trudeau said,  “We have a bi-lingual town in the middle of Canada that has honoured its ties with France by creating the world’s largest smokable pipe.  This will be the most Canadian way to kick off the legalization of marijuana.”

Local planners buoyed by the influx of funding are planning a day long festival featuring fireworks and concerts.  A diverse line-up of artist will include Bob Dylan, Snoop Dog, Eric Church, Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne, Willie Nelson, Drake and many more.  Special M.C.’s will be Cheech and Chong and a full roster of comedian is coming soon.

“We are thrilled to be the location for this event,” organizer Serge Demers said.  “We had people smoke weed in our big pipe before but never legally and never anyone this famous.”

Trudeau is slated to take the first rip at exactly 4:20pm followed immediately by a CF-18 fly by.  The pipe will be kept lit for up to three hours to allow attenders a chance to sample the new government issue weed free of charge.  A great selection of food trucks and concessions will be on-site all evening.

St. Claude hopes to make the event an annual one.  “Around here we are calling it the 420 on the 240,” Demers explained.  “I think we can move the weed celebration from April 20 to October 17 with the new laws in place.”

“I invite all Canadians to join us in person, on television or through the internet as we celebrate the coming of age of our nation,” Trudeau said in a statement.

More musical and comedy acts will be added to the festival as the date gets closer.

Stay tuned to CIPP-TV and check out the website CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com for more details.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is a fictional story and a fictional website.  We don’t pretend to be real.  We are not fake news or fake crap.  We are imaginary, like most of our friends.  Click here to read more about this.   

Photo: Alex Guibord – https://www.flickr.com/photos/alexguibord/

Portage potato festival on the rocks due to protests

Portage May Lose Potato Festival As Manitoba Towns Fight Over World’s Sexiest Vegetable

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Potatoes are sexy and they know it, and it seems everyone wants in on the action.

For years, Portage la Prairie has been the home of the Potato Festival but neighbouring communities are mounting a legal challenge to change that.

The battle for the tuber has never been greater as Winkler, Carman and Carberry have filed a class-action lawsuit against Portage la Prairie over the right to hold a celebration of the potato.

Their claim is centred around their demands the potato be honoured more fully and completely.

“Portage has two big fry factories, they’re a big player but the potato is bigger than that,” legal challenger Steve Penner of Carman said.  “But places like Carman, Winkler and certainly Carberry are huge players in the potato industry.  We should have a say and we think much more needs to be done for the potato.”

Normally Portage keeps the Potato Festival low key with free fries, some bouncy castles, slow-pitch tournament, local entertainers and a Canadian country music headliner to round out the event.  This approach has caused rivals to try and muscle in on the potato title.

“Potatoes are the sexiest vegetables ever,” Penner said.  “You can do anything with them, not just fry them.”

Penner and the group behind the lawsuit claim they would better represent the potato by offering baked, mashed, and over roasted samples free of charge.  Their plans would also include a hash brown eating contest, a potato king and queen pageant, an interactive kids potato dig, funniest looking potato contest, potato head decorating competition and soup making classes.

“We love potatoes so much and we want to show the world what they have to offer,” Penner explained.  “No other vegetable can do so much and we just want to give something back to honour it.”

The courts will not be able to hear the case until later this year so the current Portage Potato Festival will be unaffected but future ones could be in jeopardy.

“Even if we aren’t successful in getting the rights to the Potato Festival we will look at doing something under a different name,” Penner said.

Rumoured alternative names include Potato Party, Potato Extravaganza, Potato Palooza, and Potato Mania.

Portage organizers aren’t worried about competition for the love of the potato.

“We know everybody loves the potato but there will only be one true home for the Potato Festival, and that is Portage la Prairie,” organizer James Thompson said.

“While they worry about taking us to court we just might test some of their ideas along with adding a few twists of our own,” Thompson said.

This year’s festival goes Friday August 10 and Saturday August 11 and will be monitored closely by visitors from Winkler, Carberry and Carman to make sure the potato is celebrated properly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the reality of this story being fictional along with the website.  This is satire, humour, funny, ha-ha not fake or real news.  If you can’t tell that without reading this you may be in trouble.  Have a great day and remember to eat your potatoes.

Photo: Henry Burrows – https://www.flickr.com/photos/foilman/

Manitoba City Makes It Illegal To Kill Mosquitoes & Puts Them On Threatened Species List

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It will soon be illegal to kill mosquitoes in Portage la Prairie after researchers discovered Portagers’ blood is causing record low numbers of he insect.

Concerned locals created their own theories over why Portage’s favorite songbird has virtually disappeared but the real reason was deeply disturbing.

25067277666_80253c0746_k“Talk around here is that the dryer than normal summer, heat and wind have killed the poor little guys off,” concerned citizens group leader Gordon Rodgers said.  “It is so bad this year no one is getting any mosquito bites at all.  We knew something terrible must be happening so we called the government.”

Researchers from the Entomology Institute of Manitoba started their investigation in early July and released some shocking findings.

“We first looked at environmental factors like standing water needed for breeding,” E.I.M investigator Erica Jones explained.  “People kept telling us it was the hot dry summer but our researched indicated an abundance of breeding locations.”

Other weather related factors like wind and humidity could account for the lack of local mosquitos.  That’s when the research team made an alarming discovery.

“The local mosquito population has defected to regions to the west, south and east,” Jones said.  The reason why is even more alarming.

“The evidence we found shows the mosquitoes are avoiding blood of local residents because of several reasons.  The main reason is they don’t want to contract blood borne illnesses found in Portagers at high rates, like hepatitis, West Nile, Zika and STD’s combined with the fact Portagers blood tastes like a combination of fried chicken, pizza and french fries..”

Mosquitoes couldn’t find enough tasty, uninfected targets locally so they conducted a mass migration out of the area to healthier feeding grounds.

Without immediate action to reduce the infection rates in humans, the mosquitoes will not return say scientists.

“We have placed all local species on the threatened list so they can be protected,” Jones said.  “There are very few mosquitoes left so we have to take immediate, radical steps to make sure they survive.”

As a threatened species, it will be a finable offense to kill, harm or disrupt the mosquito’s habitat.  Environmental enforcement officers will be patrolling to make sure Portagers follow the new rules.

“Hopefully we can get this figured out so future generations can continue to enjoy the summer right of passage of swatting at mosquitoes and scratching at itchy bites,” Jones said.  “It’s almost considered a basic human right of Manitobans to enjoy mosquitoes every summer.  If we act now hopefully we can protect this unique feature of our culture and environment.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the ridiculous and fictional nature of the story and website.  We all miss mosquitos but you still shouldn’t think this story is real.

Photo: CDC Global – https://www.flickr.com/photos/cdcglobal/

Photo: Guy and Statue Donald Lee Pardue – https://www.flickr.com/photos/oldrebel/

Millennials unaware of time change due to dependence on smart phones

Poll Reveals Most Millennials Oblivious Of Time Change Due To Reliance On Smart Phones

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A recent C.I.P.P. – TV poll indicates most people under 35 were not aware a change to Daylight Saving Time occurred this weekend.

“The poll we conducted shows 85% of millennials did not realize a change in time happened this weekend,” C.I.P.P.-TV head researcher Robin Harrisburg said.  “Over 70% surveyed didn’t know what Daylight Saving Time was, and the same amount didn’t know what the term ‘spring ahead’ means.”

The fact most adults 35-years-old and younger are completely dependent of smart phone technology for their connection with the world is the cause for the lack of awareness with the ancient practice of changing clocks every spring and fall.

“I noticed that my car clock was different than my I-phone this morning but I didn’t notice anything else that was strange,” 21-year-old Todd Feathermore said.  “I saw something on twitter about springing ahead but I didn’t pay much attention to it.”

Many millennials do not understand Daylight Saving Time and some are skeptical of its existence.

“My mom called and left a voice mail about setting my clocks on Saturday night,” 28-year-old Brooke Waldner of Portage said.  “I didn’t know what she was talking about.  I’ve never set a clock in my life.  Who does that?”

Justin Moore, 30 of Portage laughed at the suggestion a time change had occurred.  “Sounds like an episode of Black Mirror or something.  You are trying to tell me time shifted exactly one hour ahead and I never noticed.  I think if that happened I would have noticed something Sunday morning.”

Politicians are considering how the results of the poll will affect decisions on making DST permanent or eliminating it altogether.

“With this rate of ignorance we might be able to delay a decision for another 30 years and then just change the time on everyone’s smart phone whenever we want and no one would be the wiser,” Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun said.

“Sure there might be a few people who are working during the time change but they would believe whatever their smart phone told them,” Braun said.  “I can see a lot of possibilities to manipulate the masses via their smart phones in the future.  That is why I will bring forward legislation to control smart phone access so we can do what we want as a government moving forward.  Imagine what could be possible if we controlled everything you saw on your smart phone?  It is a very exciting option.”

Most Portagers support the use of Daylight Saving Time all year-long to avoid confusion and so Manitoba would permanently be in a different time zone than Saskatchewan.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click this link to read about the true nature of this story and website along with finding handy-dandy additional links to important legal information.  Those far less interested and who have already figured out this story and website are fictional and satirical and possibly humorous can simply know that their suspicions were correct and this is all made up.  That is what fictional means.  Satirical means we are poking fun at reality in an unreal way.  We will leave it up to you to figure out what we are making fun of and whether it is funny or not.  We are not the Supreme Political Leader of Portage la Prairie and do not desire to censor your thoughts or control what you read.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – m01229

Colorado Low brings heavy snowfall to Manitoba and a drop in productivity

Manitobans Who Made It To Work Waste Most Of The Day Talking About The Snow

WINNIPEG, MB –

Productivity across Manitoba may have hit an all-time low with today’s heavy snowfall, but people not getting to work isn’t the culprit.  Most businesses report 70-75% attendance, but it seems those people who have made it to work are doing nothing more than talking about all the snow.

“The moment I got in the office I was bombarded with the standard cliché comments about the weather,” Erik Tait said.  “Our front desk guy said, ‘sure a lot of snow out there, eh?’  Then Herb in accounting said ‘glad I own a snowblower today,’  It is amazing how many times I’ve had these conversations when it snows.”

Complaints of tedious and typically Canadian conversations are being made at all work and public places in Manitoba.

“Every time we get a blizzard or big dump of snow I get to hear all about the blizzards of ’97, ’86 and ’66,” Tait shared.  “I don’t think I can take another telling of how the snow drifts were as high as the roof.  It’s Manitoba.  It’s Canada.  It snows.  Why do we have to keep talking about it?”

Many Manitobans blame the media’s endless coverage of snowfall for the increase in the amount of discussions about the snow.

*Locals To Turn Colorado Low Into A High

Employers are looking at possible legislation to help combat the complete lack of productivity on snow days.

“We might as well close down altogether,” Albert Walker, General Manager of Mandelbaum Industries said.  “Between the people who can never make it in when it snows and the people who are here who can’t shut up about the snow falling, nothing gets done.  We should just have the province declare days like today official snow day holidays.”

People across the province are pleading with their fellow citizens to shut the hell up about the snow and get to work.  We all know it snowed.  We all know life goes on, even after a blizzard, so please stop making every conversation about the snow.

“Pretty soon we will be into flood season so at least we can start talking about how many cubic feet per second of water is in each river and whether or not any of the dykes and floodways will be used,” Tait offered.  “That is interesting for about 15 minutes before I go completely insane from hearing about that.”

C.I.P.P. – TV will have extensive coverage of the snowfall all day today and have even more extensive coverage of spring flooding or the lack thereof.  Stay tuned and talk about our coverage with your friends.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means we made this whole thing up for a laugh.  Ironically, the endless conversations about the snow and the snowfall itself are real but the story is completely fabricated, albeit inspired by actual events.  Please feel free to laugh and enjoy this story and share this link on your social media pages but don’t try to trick your dull friends into thinking this is real.  Read and think responsibly.

Photo Credit – denverkid

Locals will turn a Colorado Low into a high by smoking marijuana

Locals To Turn Colorado Low Into A High

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A major winter storm is headed our way and a local cat owner and pot enthusiast has a plan to make it all go away.  Or at least it will feel that way.

Billy Neepawa is organizing a Colorado High event for this Monday to celebrate the upcoming legalization of marijuana and to raise funds for a local animal shelter.

“The more it snows the more we’ll toke,” said Neepawa.  “Blaze the blizzard!”

With pot consumption and trade becoming legal this summer, Neepawa says this is the perfect tie-in to celebrate the legalization of marijuana.

He will be putting up posters around town and using social media to market the event that will be free to attend with a donation of pet food.  In the event the Colorado low closes highways Neepawa will open his doors to all those stranded.

“I can’t think of a better way to experience Portage as a tourist,” said Neepawa.

The event is tied to helping a local shelter, a cause near to Neepawa’s heart since his cat’s last round of constipation.

“I’m a little worried about my cat being affected by second-hand smoke.  Since his enema he’s been pooping regularly and I don’t want to mess that up.”

The Colorado High starts Monday afternoon and lasts as long as the storm.  Neepawa’s home is located near the east-end 7/11 which will be open regardless of how bad the weather gets.  There will be an abundance of food should participants get hungry.

 

Photo Credit – Amelia Wells

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer and to find additional links to important legal statements.  Please be advised that the above article and others on this website are without merit when it comes to being real. That means it and they are not real. It and they are works of fiction. Fiction implies, but is not limited to, they are made up and are not real stories and any resemblance to real events, people and their goings on is coincidental. Now, please note that while  Portage la Prairie is a real place and humans, animals and some of the goings on of said things are real, these works are still of fiction created from the minds of sometimes troubled people known more commonly as writers. Writers of such material are creating the unreal from the real. Let the onus be on the reader and consumer of the material on this site to be fully and completely aware of the responsibilities that come with reading the above said material. As a reader of same you are obligated to embrace the opus as humorous, satirical, weird, unusual, quirky, offbeat but not as reality. When sharing electronically, verbally or via physical gestures please do so only after reading the piece in its entirety along with the accompanying notice to reader. Never share with any malice or misgivings. Don’t mislead people into thinking this is anything but a work of fiction. This contest has no cash value, is void where prohibited by law and is affront to common sense and decency. Don’t leave the lights on. Save the world.