Manitoba

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

WINNIPEG – Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season. Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite [...]

Trudeau To Celebrate Marijuana Legalization By Taking A Rip From St. Claude’s Giant Pipe Oct. 17

St. Claude, MB – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is kicking off the legalization of marijuana in a big way. Trudeau is opting to celebrate in St. Claude Manitoba rather than Ottawa with a special afternoon ceremony at 4:20pm local time. “There is no more fitting place to mark this historic moment,” Prime Minister [...]

Portage May Lose Potato Festival As Manitoba Towns Fight Over World’s Sexiest Vegetable

Portage potato festival on the rocks due to protests

Portage la Prairie, MB – Potatoes are sexy and they know it, and it seems everyone wants in on the action. For years, Portage la Prairie has been the home of the Potato Festival but neighbouring communities are mounting a legal challenge to change that. The battle for the tuber has never been greater as [...]

Manitoba City Makes It Illegal To Kill Mosquitoes & Puts Them On Threatened Species List

Portage la Prairie, MB – It will soon be illegal to kill mosquitoes in Portage la Prairie after researchers discovered Portagers’ blood is causing record low numbers of he insect. Concerned locals created their own theories over why Portage’s favorite songbird has virtually disappeared but the real reason [...]

Poll Reveals Most Millennials Oblivious Of Time Change Due To Reliance On Smart Phones

Millennials unaware of time change due to dependence on smart phones

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – A recent C.I.P.P. – TV poll indicates most people under 35 were not aware a change to Daylight Saving Time occurred this weekend. “The poll we conducted shows 85% of millennials did not realize a change in time happened this weekend,” C.I.P.P.-TV head researcher Robin Harrisburg [...]

Manitobans Who Made It To Work Waste Most Of The Day Talking About The Snow

Colorado Low brings heavy snowfall to Manitoba and a drop in productivity

WINNIPEG, MB – Productivity across Manitoba may have hit an all-time low with today’s heavy snowfall, but people not getting to work isn’t the culprit. Most businesses report 70-75% attendance, but it seems those people who have made it to work are doing nothing more than talking about all the [...]

Locals To Turn Colorado Low Into A High

Locals will turn a Colorado Low into a high by smoking marijuana

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – A major winter storm is headed our way and a local cat owner and pot enthusiast has a plan to make it all go away. Or at least it will feel that way. Billy Neepawa is organizing a Colorado High event for this Monday to celebrate the upcoming legalization of marijuana and to raise funds [...]

Canadian Government Sets Up Ministry of Tickling, Touching & Fondling

Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling set up in Ottawa

OTTAWA, ON – Canada’s government unanimously approved the creation of a new Federal Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling in an effort to find a positive solution to ongoing revelations of inappropriate and unwanted sexual comments and actions. The new government department hopes to turn a negative into a [...]

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9

Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

ST. CLAUDE, MB – The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express. With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie [...]

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND – Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans. It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to [...]

CIPPTV Channel 116

Portage la Prairie's Fictional Satire Station