Canada sends Mennonite people packing.

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB –

A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century.

“We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America when we started looking at the whole Menno-thing,” federal government spokesperson Elvira Gauthier said.  “Modern Canada might not be the best fit for Mennonites.  We think it is best they leave.”

Originally, Mennonites were allowed and invited to come to Canada to escape revolutions in Russia and the U.S.A.  At first, it was a win-win situation with Canada needing settlers and farmers and Mennonites needing a sanctuary to avoid persecution and military participation.  Today it is seen as an uncomfortable arrangement.

“Things have settled down in Russia lately so we don’t see any reason why they can’t go back,” Gauthier said.  “As a government we are growing weary of their aversion to military duty.  It was a pain during both world wars and, if we end up having to get into it with the U.S.A. at some point, we can’t have a huge group opting out again.”

The plan is for all Mennonites originating from Russia, Mexico and South America to start returning home by the end of the year.  Mennonites who came to Canada from the United States during the American Revolution will not be deported as it has been deemed unsafe to return.  Once political stability returns to the U.S.A. the green light will be given to them to go back.

Members of Parliament who are Mennonite will also be required to leave, including Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader, Murphy Braun.  Braun’s maiden name is Klippenstein, a family coming from Prussia in the late 1800’s.

“I think it is good for Canada,” Portager Pat Perkins said.  “I don’t mind the Mennonites.  They did a lot of good, but times up I guess.”

An abundance of agricultural land in Southern Ontario and across the prairies along with valuable real estate in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia will be repatriated during the upcoming migration.

“We took a lot of land from First Nations during the homesteading program of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s and gave it to immigrants like the Mennonites,” Gauthier explained.  “With them gone we can settle most of the outstanding land claims and get the First Nations off our backs.  This will be really good for Canada.

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites have become successful farmers, entrepreneurs and some have even become political leaders and musicians.

“The original intent of the government was to have them stay on reserves and remain marginalized and isolated,” Gauthier reasoned.  “We didn’t expect them to go beyond the original Mennonite reserves and start dominating the culture and society in many jurisdictions.  They are an enterprising group for sure.  I’m sure they will be just as successful back in Russia and South America.”

Leaders from Russia, Mexico, Bolivia, Belize, and Paraguay have all signed agreements to welcome their Mennonites back.

C.I.P.P.-TV did not include interviews from any actual Mennonites because they were upset and negative and our mandate as a station is to provide a positive reflection of our community.

“The government will be happy to get rid of Mennonite representatives like Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun because they share a strange right-wing, pseudo-religious perspective that is sympathetic to the American Regime,” Gauthier said.  “It’s odd, they are pacifists but support gun ownership, are pro-Israel and are comfortable with America’s military agenda.”

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites en masse have moved from a secluded religious existence to a more toned down secular life-style while maintaining an awkward spiritual aloofness and moral superiority.  This has made them more widely accepted by Canadian society without being fully integrated.

“Mennonites are part of Canada’s rich cultural history and we wish them the best in their new-old home,” Gauthier said.  “Those countries, fortunate enough to welcome them back, will come to enjoy their odd but hard-working and enterprising ways.”

Canada will miss Mennonite expertise in running thrift stores and making quilts but the elimination of their contributions to the countries culinary landscape will be welcomed.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical reality of this story and website.  There is also more legal ramblings to savour.  Fictional means made up, not real.  Satirical means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Mennonites are not being deported, well not all of them, yet.  Some might be but it is unlikely but we digress.  This website is completely fictional and satirical so do not share this on social media thinking you’ve found proof of a conspiracy against Mennonites.  This website means no harm and wishes no ill on Mennonites, Hutterites, The Amish or any other religious and ethnic group.  We reserve the right to make fun of Mennonites because some the writers of this site may in fact, be Mennonite.  Obviously, we are not good Mennonites but that is not being offered up for debate.  Debating is not for Mennonites, we simply preach, judge and move on.  See, a judgy comment to prove our point.  Oba Yo!

Photo credit – Ted Eytan

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Canadians to assimilate to corresponding First Nation in their area.

Assimilation Advocate Convinces Ottawa Immigrants Should Adopt Local Culture – All Canadians To Become Indigenous By 2021

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

A local assimilation advocate has successfully lobbied the federal government to ensure all immigrants to Canada adopt local cultures and values.  The assimilation will not be limited to newcomers and recent citizens but include all immigrants retroactively.

“A lot of Canadians are tired of immigrants coming here and keeping their language, culture and religions,” assimilation advocate Perry Moore said.  “Its time they became Canadians.  Its time we reject the silly notion of a cultural mosaic and became a stronger, unified country.”

Moore rallied support on a wave of populism among those believing immigration to Canada should be cut back and limited to those who are willing and able to become truly Canadian.

“I don’t think we should go to the malls and restaurants and have to hear five or six different languages,” Moore said.  “We should speak the same language.  We should share the same values.”

The group advocating assimilation found favour with the federal government in Ottawa and are happy new laws will soon be in place that will require all immigrants and their families to retroactively assimilate.

“Cultural diversity may not have been the utopia we once believed,” federal government spokesperson Shelly Laurence offered.  “By 2021 all Canada will become fully assimilated to its pre-immigration state.  We feel it is the only plan that makes sense.”

Over the next few years each section of Canada will revert to pre-immigration maps and Canadians in each of those regions will be required to assimilate to the corresponding First Nation.

“By 2021 there will be no other option on Statistics Canada forms when we ask people to identify race,” Laurence explained.  “You’ll have to be Cree, Ojibway, Dakota, Micmac, Blackfoot, Dene, Mohawk or one of the other founding people groups.”

The move is being heralded by many groups as a final solution to racism and an end to the debate over immigration and assimilation.

“This is the most pro-active, retro-active policy the Government of Canada has ever formed,” Moore said.  “It’s so ahead of our time, it is historic.”

“We will be consulting with every First People’s group in Canada to develop the re-education strategy.  To re-program 35 million Canadians will be a challenge but it will be exciting.”

Canadians can expect notifications by June informing them where and when they are to report to the re-education camps.  Most Manitobans affected will become Cree, Ojibway or Dakota depending on where they currently live.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about this story being satire and the site being a complete work of fiction, with a few minor exceptions like place names and famous people and public figures.  Satire means humour, fiction, made up, fanciful, make-believe.  Please do not let stories like this set off any radical political or religious belief you may secretly or publicly hold.  This is not meant to create a nest of crazy’s just a few folks looking for a laugh.

 

Photo Credit – Brooke Anderson