Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

Hockey dad gets banned from Foot Locker for abuse of officials

Hockey Fan Kicked Out Of Foot Locker For Abusing Referees

WINNIPEG, MB – 

A Portage la Prairie hockey dad was planning on picking up a pair of shoes at the mall during a break in a weekend tournament but he left with a misconduct and an ejection.

Steve Sapinski, entered the Foot Locker in Polo Park searching for a new pair of running shoes when he found trouble.  Within seconds of looking around the store he found a display of New Balance shoes at “buy one pair, get the second at 50% off.”  Sapinski made a move for the discount section when another male shopper stepped in his way.

*Investigation Reveals “buy one, get one 50% off” Sales Just a 25% Discount.*

“This goof comes out of the track suit section and shoots me an elbow then proceeds to interfere with my drive to the shoes,” Sapinski recalled.  “It was a blatant infraction.  It was black and white elbowing and interference.  Everyone in store could see it!”

The irate Sapinski gave the perpetrator a shove and glared at a store employee wearing a referee-styled shirt.

“There was no whistle and he didn’t have his arm up,” Sapinski said.  “He was looking right at me.  He had the nerve to tell me to be careful and stop pushing. That’s when I lost it!”

Sapinski was in an agitated state from watching his son play hockey all weekend and from having to go to the mall on a Saturday when his frustration boiled over.

He screamed in the employee’s face, shoved him, and then starting yelling abuse at the other employees wearing ref uniforms.

“It was worse than three blind mice out there,” Sapinski shared.  “That place has refs every three feet and they still can’t get a friggin call right.  That guy clearly blocked me from getting the shoes I wanted.  He gets the discount and I end up in the box.  How’s that fair?”

Store employees surrounded Sapinski until mall security guards arrived to escort him out of the store into the arms of police who took him into custody.

“I told them to check their cell phones ’cause they have a bunch of missed calls.  Then I said I thought only horses slept standing up,” Sapinski said.

While being physically removed from the store Sapinski was heard screaming, “You better be careful because you’re probably pregnant after missing three periods.”  As he exited the store he fired one last barb.  “Why don’t you get off your knees, you’re blowing the game.”

The Portage man is now facing charges of aggravated assault and a season long suspension from Foot Locker and the Polo Park Mall.  He waved his right to an in-person hearing and is now looking for shoes in Portage la Prairie.

“That’s the last time I shop at a store with a bunch of refs,” Sapinski offered.  “I’ll stay in Portage where shoes sales people don’t dress like blind zebras.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, explanation and links to official legal documents explaining the fictional, satirical and ridiculous truth of this story and website.  It will basically tell you what you should have already figured out on your own.  This is made up.  It is not real.  Sure, Foot Locker, Polo Park Mall, stupid hockey dads and employees in ref shirts are real but this story is so beyond stupid it could not be real.  Don’t be one of those people who call funny fiction “fake news”.  This is so obviously dumb no reasonable person would believe it to be news.  Rational people can identify satire 19 times out of 20.  The other time they roll their eyes and stop reading because they don’t find it funny.  Please click and share responsibly.

Photo Credit – Erin Nekervis

 

 

University research team discovers source of smell in Gladstone Arena washroom

Researchers Identify Source Of Smell In Gladstone Rink As 1970’s Urine

GLADSTONE, MB – 

For decades, arena attenders have marvelled at the scent emanating from the cozy urinals in the men’s washroom at the Gladstone rink and they are delighted to know researchers at the University of Manitoba identified the source.

“It’s such a familiar smell,” Herb Friesen of Westbourne said.  “Every time I go to there I get a whiff and it takes me back to the good old days of going to the Lakers’ games with dad and Uncle Sam.”

The odour is widely viewed as nostalgic by many Happy Rock rink regulars.

“It smells like victory to me,” Brian Watson of Gladstone said.  “It takes me back to the last time the Lakers won a championship in the mid 90’s.”

Despite over 40 years of cleaning efforts, the sanitation crews in Gladstone were never successful in ridding the rink of the smell.  While not overpowering, the scent has permeated nostrils and drawn criticism of visiting hockey fans for years.

“I can’t stand the smell in the Gladstone shitter,” Marvin Metcalfe of MacGregor shared.  “I take a big gasp of air as I walk in and slowly exhale while I take a leak to try to avoid the stench.”

“I thought that was just how Gladstone smelled,” Emily Broadbank of Neepawa said.  “The whole town kind of smells like that.  I notice it’s quite a bit stronger in the men’s washroom but I don’t go in there that often so I never complain.

A local faculty of science student, Chase McLean decided to study the smell as part of a university study into the origins of scent.

“All my life I heard people talk about the smell in the men’s washroom so when I became part of this research team I suggested we try to find the source,” McLean said.  “It’s the only washroom in the study but it was rewarding to get some answers for my hometown.”

The results reveal the odour is from a sampling of adult male urine from the mid to late 1970’s that contained high levels of alcohol and various prescription medicines.  The offending urine managed to spill onto and penetrate the floors, walls and ceiling in the washroom, making surface cleaning ineffective in eliminating the scent.

“It seems to be a powerful cocktail of urine with a perfect storm of booze and meds combining to create something timeless,” McLean explained.  “Its comparable to a combination of chicken excrement, tomcat spray and skunk scent but with more staying power.”

Now that the Gladstone Arena is aware the scent can only be removed by demolition of removal of the hard material it has decided to forgo that process and not bother with future surface cleaning.

Rink officials say the smell is part of the history and culture of the rink and plan on installing a plaque to explain the source.

“With talk of building a new rink someday I sure hope we can find a way to save a piece of the wall so it can be put on display,” Watson said.  “It is good for people to stay in touch with the past.  Smells have a powerful way of bringing back memories and emotions.  We shouldn’t lose that.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and find links to even more legal rhetoric on the fictional, fanciful and satirical nature of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  Gladstone is real.  The Gladstone rink is real.  However, the rest of the story is made up.  Although there have been real rumours of an odour in the male washroom this website does not imply or believe that Gladstone smells anything but wonderful, even in the rink.

Photo credit – Don Zak’s Soil Lab University of Michigan

 

Patrik Laine's mom part of trending movement of mothers driving adult children around

Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

WINNIPEG, MB –

In the wake of Patrik Laine’s ground breaking interview in The Players’ Tribune, and the revelation that his mother drives him to and from his hockey games, new stats show a growing trend of mothers chauffeuring their adult children.

The new report shows 48% of adult males 18-24 have their mothers drive them at least 5 times a week, with 38% reporting their mom drives them at least once a day.  This is up from 23% and 12% respectively just 12 years ago.

“We are seeing a growing trend in mothers driving their sons,” Study lead Samantha Dawkins said.  “We think it is directly linked to hockey.”

Researchers believe that thousands of hockey players are becoming acclimatized to their mothers driving them around and begin to enjoy the free time, opting to watch videos or play games on phones and handheld electronics.  The urge to play games and use smart phone aps has surpassed the appeal of driving oneself and gaining independence.

“The electronic gratification is stripping the desire to drive away from our young men, and to a lesser extent, our young women,” Dawkins said.  “Patrik Laine and his mom have become the poster people for this movement.”

Indications are the numbers will continue to go up as more young men jump aboard the trend wanting to emulate their NHL heroes.

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

“We are seeing moms drive their sons to work, university and to social functions on a regular basis,” Dawkins pointed out.  “Many are opting out of getting a license or vehicle saving themselves thousands of dollars a year that they can spend on gaming systems and data plans.”

Most mothers we spoke to love the additional and prolonged control and care they can exercise on their children.

“I love that Tyrel gets me to drive him to his junior hockey games,” Michele Gaudry said.  “I make him his favorite pre-game meal, chicken fingers with macaroni and cheese then take him to the game.  I have to wait around about an hour after the game to take him home but I don’t mind.  It gives me a chance to visit with the other mom’s.”

“Kevin gets me to drive him to work everyday,” Cheryl Friesen said.  “He has a sales job so sometimes I get to drive him to appointments all day.  When he stays in the office I make sure I make a lunch for him and send it along.  He still likes eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches.”  Kevin Friesen is a 25 year-old pharmaceutical rep and no longer has a license after letting it lapse a couple of years ago to fund his online gaming interests.

Some social scientists believe the trend will push marrying ages up and marriage rates down as mothers extend their care years and possibly decades into their children’s lives.

“We are seeing many more family situations where mothers are living with adult children, even those who are married,” Dawkins said.  “Children are putting a lot of value on, not just their mom’s ability to complete domestic work like cooking and cleaning, but their skills in financial management and life-coaching.”

Young adults and increasing numbers of middle-aged people are more than happy to have their mothers look after the details of their lives so they can be free to concentrate on careers and more importantly video games and smart phone aps.

“Without mom living with me and driving me to work there is no way I’d be able to meet my sales targets and log up to 80 hours a week on my Playstation,” Kevin Friessen shared.  “Mom is helping me reach the goals and dreams I have personally and professionally.  I couldn’t do this without her.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full-on disclaimer, explanation and supporting legal statements about the satirical reality of this story and website.  Satire means this is not real, it is fiction that is attempting to make fun of something and make some kind of sideways comment on society and culture.  This is not fake news.  Fake news is designed to trick and fool. This fictional TV station is designed to entertain and make you snicker.  Fake news is also a term misused often by Donald Trump to deflect fair comment, reporting and criticism of his reign on the United States of America.

Photo Credit -Rex Roof

Curling is now officially the whitest sport in the world

Curling Surpasses Hockey To Become Whitest Sport In The World

WINNIPEG, MB –

The Curling Collective of Canada is celebrating a major victory with the announcement their sport has surpassed hockey for the first time to become the whitest sport on the planet.

For decades, curling was as white as winter but it finally took the moderate colorization of hockey to allow it to take top spot on the list.

“The roots of curling are in some of the palest and blandest places on the planet making it more than white, I would almost describe it as putrid,” Canadian Curling Collective President Barb McAvoy said.  “It started in Scotland and is now primarily played in Northern Europe, the Canadian Prairies and rural parts of Canada’s East Coast.  I doubt you can get much whiter than that.”

Despite making inroads in Japan, China and Korea the vast majority of participants and fans remain overwhelmingly white.  Curling fans still generally fawn over, and make a big deal about, teams from East Asia and quite often will cheer for them to win.

“For sure our fans still see Asian teams as a bit of a novelty, but that will change when they start beating the teams from traditional white regions,” McAvoy said.  “It’s just a matter of time before Asian teams start dominating the sport because in countries like Japan, China and Korea they are taking to curling like white on rice.”

The CCC is unsure why curling is so popular with white people, although they appreciate the uniqueness of their crowds at live events.  “We like to call a full house a “blizzard” because they are so white and full of energy,” McAvoy shared.

Rounding out this year’s list was hockey at number two, followed by speed skating, cross-country skiing, cycling, bowling, figure skating and down-hill skiing.  Long-time list makers, tennis and golf, were both dropped from this years list.

McAvoy feels that curling should remain at or near the top for a long-time since the sport is years away from having African, South American or Middle-Eastern representation in any significant numbers.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the whole low down and further legal information on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  Curling is real, it is pretty white but there is no real list of whitest sports.  That is crazy and obviously made up.  Curling is made of up fine and tolerant people who just happen to be mostly white.  Curling is a winter sport and generally, the only people dumb enough to live in those harsh environments are white.  This website and fictional television station are not racist against white or any other people group nor are we opposed to curling specifically or in general.

Photo Credit – Derek Hatfield

Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9 

ST. CLAUDE, MB –

The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express.  With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie Mark Toth to put Roland up 9-0.  Following the ensuing faceoff Voyageur right-winger Josh Wexford took the puck hard to the net, intentionally knocking Roland goalie Peter Schroeder to the ice while sending the net flying.

“I wanted to get my team fired up, get them going, get us back in the game,” Josh Wexford told C.I.P.P. TV’s “Get The Puck Out” after the game.  “We needed a spark so I did what I could.”

Wexford found himself on the losing end of a fight and saddled with a 3 game suspension.

“Wexy was a real team player,” Voyageur Head Coach Brian Hannah said.  “We got down 9-0 and needed to try to get us back in the game.”

Voyageur coaches and players were unable to explain how hitting a vulnerable goalie would help them get back in a game they had no chance to win, leading many to speculate the move was just one of spite and revenge.

“Sure we had fewer shots than they did goals by that point but I like Wexy’s heart and thirst to win.  He has great compete,” Hannah said.  “The only thing we were trying to get even was the score.”

The controversial move did result in St. Claude breaking Schroeder’s shutout bid with Jacques Brouseau scoring on a breakaway late in the third period when Roland was no longer even trying and playing mostly third and forth line players.

“I think we really showed the hometown fans and the league what we’re all about,” Hannah said.  “It’s doesn’t matter if it’s 1-0 or 9-0 we’ll capable of doing whatever it takes to win.”

With only 2 wins so far this season St. Claude has certainly shown they regularly don’t show up to play until the score is out of hand and they have no chance to win.  A point coach Hannah disagrees with.

“You never know.  That could have been the spark to help us score ten goals in under 25 minutes of hockey,” Hannah pointed out.  A task they haven’t been able to accomplish in over three seasons having only scored a maximum of 4 goals in any one game in that time.

St. Claude has tried running the opposition players from behind, sucker punching, squirting Gatorade at the refs and delivering vicious two-handers over opposing player’s heads all in hopes of coming back from being down by large amounts.

“We are really trying to work with these young men and install in them the type of character it takes to win in hockey,” Hannah said.  “This isn’t kiddie play time, this is Junior B hockey and our players know what’s on the line.”

Rarely, if ever, do Junior B players older than 17 ever make to professional levels of hockey so at best, the majority of St. Claude’s players will go on to play Senior hockey and recreational beer leagues.

“Part of our recruiting pitch is that we have a long list of players who have gone on to a few senior leagues around the province and many more who have become stars on their late-night beer league teams,” Hannah explained.  “Our boys really get the drinking beer thing down during their time with us.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  You really shouldn’t need an explanation to realize this story is fictional.  Fictional means made up in case you were about to google the word fictional.  But by all means read the disclaimer and then read the additional legal information if you are confused at all.  We created these links because scientist have failed to find a cure for stupid.  Until they do we are forced to treat the symptoms with explanations like this.  Ya.

Photo Credit – Mark Mauno