Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

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Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

Bus kids out of Portage la Prairie for Halloween

Portage Company To Bus Kids To Other Communities – No Halloween In Portage Next Year

Portage la Prairie, MB-

A new bus tour operator is looking to cash in on a growing trend and change how Portage does Halloween.

The Great Canadian Halloween Pumpkin Tour Company is already half sold out for next year and hoping to haul all Portage treat seekers to communities around Portage rather than canvassing our streets.

“Our pitch to parents is to give us twenty bucks and we’ll take your kids to communities around Portage,” owner Paul Romanski said.  “Portage parents will be able to turn the lights out and let us gather candy from neighbouring places.”

Romanski got the idea after watching kids being brought to Portage in vans and school buses for years.

“Rural places like to come to Portage for candy so I think its time for us to reverse the trend,” Romanski explained.  “I run a tourism company so I thought the kids and parents would love this.  We can offer the relative safety of smaller rural settings and freedom from handing out candy.”

The tour company believes there are large stock piles of candy and treats that have been building up in these other communities and this could mean Portage kids can really cash in by travelling out-of-town.

“I think we’ll be bringing some joy to those poor souls left behind in these rural communities waiting for kids in costumes.  Can you imagine how sad it would be to sit there year after year with no kids coming by?” Romanski shared.

If the company continues to fill its bookings at the current rate an announcement on cancelling Halloween could come by Christmas.

“It would be cool if Portagers could know by December that they won’t have to hand out candy next year,” Romanski said.  “The towns around us would have some warning as well that they may have to bus their kids to Winnipeg or Brandon.”

The Halloween Tour Company sees some great potential in expanding into larger centres like Winnipeg and Brandon.

“For sure, we’d like to start bringing kids out of Winnipeg but it might be hard because Halloween is a scary day and most Winnipeggers are terrified to leave the city so we’ll have a challenge for sure.”

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Photo credit: Tomas Del Coro