Woman beats influenza and all illness with garlic cure

Woman’s Garlic Cure Is More Effective Than Flu-Shot But Makes Her Smell Worse Than Dead Animal

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

For the past eighteen years, Ingrid Salisbury has consumed four large cloves of garlic a day and has not been ill once during that time.

“It is truly remarkable she has gone that long without being sick,” medical expert Brian Draward said, “We conducted research on her for the past three years to try and validate her claim about the garlic.  We can confirm Ms. Salisbury has successfully beat any and all viral infections including all strains of influenza.  We believe, beyond a doubt, it is due to her consumption of copious amount of garlic.”

The news was initially greeted by anti-vaxxers as a victory against influenza vaccinations but their celebrations were cut short by the additional medical explanation.

“After studying and smelling Ms. Salisbury we realized the garlic was doing nothing internally or medically to help her against the flu,” Draward explained.  “It was the social isolation and the lack of any and all meaningful human contact resulting from her overwhelming odour.”

Experts compared Salisbury’s scent to that of a dead animal being masked by rancid garlic stuck in a teen’s shoe.

“This woman avoided human contact that would result in the spread of the virus by remaining over ten feet away from everyone else,” Draward shared.  “During the study our team had to utilize masks and breathing apparatus to deal with Ms. Salisbury.”

The single 42-year-old woman lives alone and is okay with the absence of significant human contact as long as it keeps the flu at bay.

“I’m kind of an introvert anyway,” Salisbury said via cell phone.  “I’m the healthiest person I know.”

While effective for keeping viruses away from her, Salisbury laments the loss of romance in her life as in-person dating is no longer possible.

“I’m just dating online now, looking for a special someone who eats as much garlic as I do so,” Salisbury shared.

She has found some potential garlic mates in Slovakia and Poland but since sailing is the only travel option, she has not been able to take her relationships to the next level.

Scientists estimate it would take about eighteen months for the smell to leave Salisbury so she could interact like a typical person with coffee breath.

“I might opt for the vaccine yet but I’ve been by myself for so long I’m not sure I care.  As long as my cats still don’t mind I’ll be happy.”

Notice to readers/ disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While the fear of the flu and accompanying vaccines are real along with garlic, this story was made up and is not real. Please do not try to fool your friends or yourself into thinking this is a real news story.  That would make you similar to Donald Trump and nobody is comfortable with that comparison.  Remember to treat satire and humour like the consumption of garlic and exercise extreme caution when doing so.

Photo Credit – Michael Whitney

Advertisements
man gets anal flu shot instead of annual flu shot

Confused Portage Man Demands Anal Flu Shot

Portage la Prairie, MB –

For Emil Gauthier seeing is believing, and Gauthier thought the sign advertising the annual flu shot read, “get your anal flu shot today.”

The fifty-year-old married man showed up at the local clinic and began making demands for an anal flu shot.

“We politely tried to correct him by saying the ‘annual’ flu shot was only a few minutes wait,” Nurse Kari Wilkinson said.  “He quickly became agitated demanding he wanted an anal flu shot not an annual one.”

Gauthier insisted the advertisement he saw stated he required an anal flu shot to protect against the upcoming strains of influenza.

“He just wouldn’t back down,” Wilkinson said.  “He started screaming he wouldn’t leave without getting an anal shot.  He was causing a scene and we only had one option other than calling the police.”

The quick thinking Wilkinson consulted with her colleagues and they agreed on giving Gauthier the normal flu shot in his anus.

“It’s a little unorthodox but the man was becoming unhinged,” Wilkinson said.  “He was being a pain in everyone else’s ass so we thought we’d calm him down by returning the favour.”

The medical team administered the flue shot directly to Gauthier’s anal region and sent him on his way.

“As long as his annual flu shot doesn’t permanently become his anal shot we’ll be okay.”

Gauthier would not grant our request for an interview but his wife says he is resting comfortably on his side while he uses social media to remind friends and family to get their anal flu shots before it is too late.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  If you repost or share this as reality people might say you need an anal flu shot.

Photo: Ben Ostrowsky