City to retroactively ban mullets.

Portage la Prairie Retroactively Bans Mullets

Portage la Prairie, MB –

To improve the moral fibre of its citizens, Portage la Prairie is retroactively banning the hairstyle commonly referred to as the mullet.

“We conducted a study and hired an overpriced consultant to tell us what we already suspected.  Those who wore mullets in the 80’s and early 90’s are far more likely to be stuck in a state of prolonged adolescence,” Freda Grossweiner, leader of Portage la Prairians Promoting Proper Hair and Morals said.

The group PPPPH&M began noticing social problems arising in Portage like excessive drinking, pot smoking, lack of ambition and the continued consumption of heavy metal music and thought the mullet was to blame.

“It became clear the ‘business in the front – party in the back’ attitude had stayed with many members of the male population and a few women.  For the sake of the town and future generations we had to do something.”

The unfortunate hairstyle will no longer be legal in the City of Portage la Prairie and surrounding area, and stylists and barbers have been served notice.  Offenders will be fined and directed to have their hair cut properly within 14 days.

Retroactively, the mullet will be eliminated starting with grad photos and year books from the offending decades.  The school division has been notified, and all photos must be doctored or removed to avoid further impacting the younger generations.

“We are concerned about younger males sporting a hair style called ‘the flow’,” Grossweiner said.  “The flow may have the same impact on today’s youth as the mullet did in the 80’s so we will have to monitor it and take action if need be.”

“The back-combed, hairspray filled, big hair of the 80’s, worn mostly by women and members of glam-rock bands was also looked at.  But we found most females today insist on straight, unoriginal, homogenous hair akin to those we saw in the 50’s and 60’s.  Big hair didn’t seem to have the same negative impact on society that mullets did.”

The organization is asking if you know of anyone still sporting a mullet or harbouring old photos of them in a mullet to contact City Hall immediately so by-law enforcement can clean up the situation.

Photo Credit – Leonardo Dasilva

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  Click here to read full statement of disclosure and find important legal documents pertaining to, but not limited to the fictional state of this story and website.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like oatmeal and beans.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.

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Boss eats employees half finished bagel during meeting

Woman Horrified After Boss Finishes Her Half-Eaten Bagel During Meeting

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB- 

Tamara Wright thought she had seen pretty much every thing from her boss, but when she witnessed him grab her partially eaten bagel and stuff it in his mouth, she was dumfounded.

“I’ve seen him do a lot of strange things over the years but this move was off the charts,” Wright said.  “What kind of weirdo would eat food you’ve already bitten into?”

The mysterious play for her bagel happened during a weekly department head meeting when her boss Kent Allenson, arrived late and hi-jacked the meeting.

“He often shows up late and starts talking over everyone,” Wright explained.  “He thinks by talking loud and interrupting we won’t notice he is late.”

While pontificating vigorously he became distracted by his own rhetoric and spotted the partially eaten onion bagel with cream cheese sitting on a plate next to Wright.

“He glanced at it a couple of times while he was droning on about some random nonsense.  In mid sentence he grabbed the bagel and took a bite,” Wright said.  “I thought he would realize his mistake and put it back but he hung onto it and finished it off in three bites.”

The meeting lasted another forty-five minutes until Allenson ran out of energy and interest until he congratulated himself by saying, “I did good!  We are done.”

“He often ends our meetings that way,” Wright said.  “We never know what they are about, there is never an agenda, it’s just Allenson holding court for an hour.”

Allenson provided no indication he was aware of the social and food safety faux pas during the entire meeting.  He declined to return our multiple requests for an interview.

“He never returns calls or texts,” Wright said.  “When you finally track him down he always has some crazy made-up excuse.”

Numerous employees at Allenson Adventures Inc. say Allenson is prone to erratic behaviour like wearing two left shoes, forgetting to comb his hair, going bare foot around the office and constantly wearing other people’s jackets.

“He wore my winter coat home last year at Christmas,” Wright said.  “It was a woman’s full length coat.  The only thing resembling his jacket was the colour.  He wore a long woman’s coat home without noticing.  Yeah, that kind of sums up the kind of idiot he is.”

“It’s like going to the circus every day and watching the clowns,” an employee requesting anonymity shared.  “He stumbles and bumbles his way through this place yelling about random things in a high-pitched voice.  His normal speaking voice isn’t high but the more he talks the more he lies and the higher his voice gets.”

“You always can tell when he’s lying,” Wright shared.  “It’s when he opens his mouth.”

A.A. Inc. staff are accustomed to the over promise and under deliver style of management their owner employs.  Most long-term staff stay for the money and entertainment.

“I have no idea how we make any money but its good for laughs,” an anonymous employee said.  “The best part is negotiating raises with him.  You don’t have to say anything in your review.  You just sit there and Kent will keep throwing money at you until you let him feel good about himself.”

Surprisingly, morale at A.A. Inc. is relatively high considering the leadership style of its owner.  Staff attribute the good morale to the fact there is little to no expectations placed on them, numerous perks and freebies, with no accountability.

“We can pretty much do what we want around here.  Allenson doesn’t care or doesn’t notice.  It’s great!”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclosure.  The true nature of this story and affiliated website is rooted in fiction and satire.  They are freakin’ made-up stories.  None of this is what it seems (if you think it seems real) because it is fanciful.  Not Fancy Feast.  That is a cat food and this site is not about cat food although it is pro-feline, pro-canine, and luke-warm toward humans.  Please read and share responsibly and with full knowledge of the consequences of your actions.  The gigantic media corporation behind this website assumes no responsibility for anything.  Consuming the content on this site may cause you to question your own existence and reality in general.  We are not professionals.  Do not try this at home.  Stop scratching yourself.

Photo Credit – Rio Werner Hauser

Patrik Laine rollerblades in Amish country

Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

The beard is weird, but it has gained notoriety and popularity as the Finnisher, Patrik Laine piles up the goals this NHL season.  During the current Winnipeg Jets road trip, Laine decided to strap on some rollerblades and visit the Amish farms around Lancaster Pennsylvania after being invited by local elders.

“We see Patrik as a role model for our young men,” Elder Isaac Stoltzfus said.  “Normally an Amish man would not grow a beard like Mr. Laine’s until after being wed, but we approve of Patrik’s beard.”

The Amish of Lancaster Pennsylvania are grateful Laine has made the Amish beard style trendy, relevant and more acceptable in the secular culture.

*Read About The Origins Of Patrik Laine’s Beard*

*Read About Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Trend To Care For Adult Children*

*Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

“We invited him to come spend the day with us and were excited he agreed,” Stoltzfus explained.  “We have several young women we’d like to introduce to Patrik as a possible wife for him.”

While in the Lancaster area, Laine strapped on the rollerblades and enjoyed the countryside to the delight of his Amish admirers.

“I’m not going to lie,” Laine said.  “I love all the beards and the Amish ladies are very cute but I don’t think I can accept their offer to join them.  I don’t mind the horse and buggy stuff but they don’t have Wi-Fi or electricity so I can’t play video games.  That is pretty much a deal breaker for me.”

Amish elders keen on seeing Laine join their flock said they would consider using electricity and the internet if it meant the Finnish hockey superstar would spend his summers among them.

“If Patrik found an agreeable Amish woman to be his wife we could see about adding electricity and Wi-Fi so he could join us,” Stoltzfus said.  “We don’t normally add worldly things like that to our farms but Patrik is special so we might consider it.”

Nikolaj Ehlers, Laine’s best friend on the Winnipeg Jets, was also invited to tag along.  Amish elders feel he has potential for Amish membership if he would embrace his beard more enthusiastically.

“Nik has a lot of appeal among the Amish ladies as well.  He might catch up to Patrik if he would let his beard grow longer,” Stoltzfus said.

Ehlers and Laine both enjoyed their time among their growing base of Amish fans and promised to visit them again.  Neither would comment on whether they found a suitable partner among the group of Amish women they met.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Darcy Johnson

Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclosure of the true reality of this story and website.  Spoiler alert!  They are not real.  They are fictional, satirical and silly.  This is an entertainment website.  CIPP-TV is not a real TV station it is just a satirical website that is occasionally funny and seldom hilarious.  This is not fake news because it is pretty darn obvious none of this is real.  Still there are those out there who will not take the time to see the word satire in our tag line or read to the bottom of the story.  Still, there are others who cannot comprehend the words on this and other similar pages.  In our opinion those people should be banned from the internet and avoided in life.  Unless, you are assisting them improve their literacy.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit: Bob M

Man is proud of ability to know when satire stories are full of BS

Local Man Proud Of Ability To Call BS On Stories From Satire Sites

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Larry Houle has quite the nose for BS and he is not afraid to tell you about it.  The 45-year-old Portager has gained notoriety in coffee shop circles and on social media for calling out false news.

“I don’t like it when people get tricked with all the misinformation out there,” Larry Houle said.  “We need to point this type of maleficence out and warn people.”

Houle spends much of his day refuting and arguing the “facts” he pulls from online satire sources like, C.I.P.P.-TV, The Beaverton, The Onion and Daily Bonnet in person and online.

“I don’t think he knows what satire means,” Laura Swanson, a life-long friend of Houle said.  “I don’t think he really knows what fiction is either.  If he sees it in print then he thinks it real.  Well I guess not real but something he has to argue about.”

As more of Houle’s friends share stories from these humorous websites he has taken on the role of a crusader of truth in a world of misinformation.

“I’m getting so good at spotting the BS all I have to do is read the headline and I know it’s not right,” Houle shared.  “I don’t get why other people don’t realize these facts are wrong or impossible.  I guess most people are just gullible.”

Houle brags he flagged stories from CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com about souls being bought and sold along with a couple needing 28 days to figure out what to watch on Netflix as being BS.  He also accuses The Beaverton and Daily Bonnet of being full of BS and claims he can almost call BS just by the name of the website.

“I don’t know who is writing for these websites but they sure must be mixed up if they believe half of the stuff they write,” Houle said.  “I’m always amazed when my friends fall for it.  What a bunch of morons.”

When confronted with an explanation that the websites he has been flagging are just funny and fictional, meaning made up, he just stared blankly and was not able to verbalize a response.  Despite this, Houle continues to comment on satire articles as being untrue and false.  His number of friends and followers on social media are shrinking quickly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – if you are a Larry please click here to read all about the truth of this story and website.  If you are a normal person then no need to, you already have a grasp on reality and know this is satire and fictional.  You can debate whether the stories found on this website are funny or not but that is about it.  Long live the Queen!

Photo Credit – Todd C. Morrow

Soul gatherer in Portage la Prairie buys and sells souls

Underground Dealer Found With Over 500 Souls On Portage Property

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A secret, underground soul dealer operating in and around Portage la Prairie was found in possession of the spirits of over 500 people during a recent C.I.P.P.-TV Channel 116 investigation.

MBN News reported Portager, Aaron MacDonald, sold his soul online to a man known only as “Jerry”.  MacDonald was unable to locate the buyer of his soul after suffering from seller’s remorse and was forced to search for a replacement soul.

*Local Man Regrets Selling Soul Online

Investigative reporters dug into the matter to find countless stories of desperate Portagers who had parted with their souls for cash or other considerations.  Posing as willing buyers of these liquidated spirits, MBN News was able to locate a local man known as “Jerry” who has been buying souls for over a decade in the Portage la Prairie and MacGregor areas.

Our reporters met up with “Jerry” to make a purchase and found his downtown property warehousing at least 500 souls.  Although “Jerry” refused to provide his full name, he was willing to share knowledge of his inventory with our reporters.

“My basement and back shed is pretty much full of shoe boxes with a great selection of souls,” Jerry explained.  “For a young soul I generally ask for a thousand dollars.  For an older, damaged or worn out soul I can let them go for as little as a hundred.”

Jerry stores the souls in empty shoeboxes in his musty basement and oversized garden shed.  Surprisingly, the souls are invisible to the naked eye but all weigh differing amounts.

“You can tell how old the soul is generally by the weight,” Jerry said.  “The more damaged, broken and beat up the soul is the heavier.  Normally kid’s souls weigh less than half a pound but as life grinds you down the soul starts getting heavier.  Adults souls with a ton of baggage and hard miles can weigh up to ten pounds.”

The Portage soul gatherer admits the buying and selling of souls is not illegal but demanded anonymity to avoid public scorn for his unethical practises.

“A lot of people around Portage know what I do and they are okay with it, but there are a lot of other people who would look at me differently if they knew what I do in my spare time.”

According to Jerry, the souls will last indefinitely stored in simple cardboard shoeboxes but will lose a little bit of their original energy if left too long.  He employs a first in, first out practise when dealing his souls.

“I don’t like them sitting around too long before they get used.  Best to keep them fresh.”

While Jerry buys most of his souls locally, he has a policy not to re-sell any of the spirits to Portagers to avoid people recognizing their souls in neighbours, co-workers or family members.  Portage la Prairie and MacGregor are active soul gathering regions making the Central Plains a large net exporter of souls.

“Most people wouldn’t be surprised to hear I get a lot of souls from local politicians, executives and sales professionals,” Jerry shared.  “But we do get quite a few calls from pastors, musicians and factory workers, and that might shock a few people.”

Jerry points out that most people looking to liquidate their spiritual assets are not desperate economically challenged people but rather those who do not feel they need theirs anymore.  Interestingly, he does little advertising on the dark web for his souls, opting to post on local bulletin boards and online shopping groups.

“A lot of my customers prefer to get through life without the burden of a soul and the joy it can bring,” Jerry said.  “Many don’t enjoy the obligations having a soul requires like caring, loving and forgiving.”

The Portage area has a higher than normal rate of soullessness than the rest of Canada thanks in part to Jerry and his work.

“This is a silent boon to economic development,” Jerry said.  “I’ve probably bought and sold over five thousand Portagers’ souls in the last five years.  All that money is staying local.  I pay taxes and all this money will get circulated a minimum of seven times.”

Both City Hall and The Economic Development Office declined to comment on the business of soul selling but sources inside both institutions tell C.I.P.P.-TV say many members of those institutions are intimately aware of Jerry’s business model.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  No one is buying and selling souls.  That is crazy.  Do not try to trick your friends into giving you money for you soul after you send them a copy of this story.

Photo Credit – Iqbal Osman

Portage man strips while blowing snow to out do neighbour

Man Strips While Blowing Snow

Portage la Prairie, MB –  A local man took extreme measures to win a snow blowing competition by stripping down to his boots and shorts.

For years, Alvin Cunningham and Gilbert Fast have been trying to out do the other with their snowblowers.

“I was the first on the street with a snowblower so I would do the sidewalk and the driveways of the old folks and shut-ins,” explained Cunningham.  “But then this tool moves in a few houses over and thinks he’s better than me.  He starts clearing half the street and most of the driveways just to out-do me.”

The snow feud has raged on for a decade to the benefit of most of the neighbours who now rarely have to clear snow.

“Between the two of us we blow everyone,” said Fast.  “Well, almost, there are a couple of knobs further down the street who like to push the snow into the street.  We just blow it back on their yards for being dick heads.”

Recently the battle amped up with Cunningham retiring from the MDC and having more time than Fast to blow snow.

“I guess I just got sick of him beating me out there during the week,” said Fast.  “I had to do something so I challenged him to a blow off.”

A “blow off” is akin to a dance-off where two competitors with snow blowers try to out do the other with tricks and stunts.  After a series of fancy twists and turns and fluttering columns of snow shooting skyward most of the neighbours were watching so Fast took it to another level.

“After doing a figure eight I looked over and that idiot was taking his clothes off,” said Cunningham.

Fast proceeded to take almost everything off to silence his foil once and for all.

“Not too many people can blow snow bareback so that will shut old Cunningham up for a while,” said Fast.

The two men are not on speaking terms after Cunningham caught his wife posting photos of her sexy snow blowing neighbour, complete with racy comments, to social media.

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  click here to read the full disclaimer proclaiming this story and website as being satirical and fictional.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.