Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

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Grandma's recipe turns out to be a copy.

Google Search Reveals Grandma’s “Secret” Family Recipe A Fraud – Family Devastated

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Grandma Watson was the keeper of several “secret” recipes she claimed had been in her family for generations but when the 94-year-old passed away last month the truth was exposed and her family was devastated.

“I wanted to make Nana’s Christmas gingerbread cookies but couldn’t read my copy of her hand-written recipe,” Kaylee Watson said.  “I tried googling gingerbread cookies and I found almost the same recipe online.”

At first Watson thought her family’s sercret was stolen but with a few more clicks she discovered the shocking truth.

“I found most of her recipes with different names,” Watson explained.  “Most came from the Betty Crocker cook book from the 60’s.”

The Watson grandchildren were shocked to find there was no internet or smart phones back in the 1960’s that would allow their grandmother to easily copy the recipes.

“Nana was really frugal so I guess she would have just copied the recipes onto a piece of paper,” Liam Watson offered.  “Her writing is almost impossible to read.  It is so curvy and round I can only make out half of the letters.”

The Watson grandchildren find Emma Watson’s cursive writing impressive but virtually indiscernible.

“I had to get mom to translate most of the recipes,” Kaylee Watson shared.  “I have no idea how she drew letters like that.  It’s pretty but very hard to read.”

The family is left to speculate why their mother and grandmother passed off the recipes as a family secret for all those years.

“Mom was an excellent cook and a master baker,” Karen Watson said.  “She always received compliments for her baking.  I think it added to the mystique with her telling everyone the recipes were family secrets.”

A culinary expert, Kari Grace from Red River College says she hears from a lot of families wrestling with the same issue.

“The reality is that practically nobody in that era had the skill and expertise to create recipes from scratch.  Most ‘family’ recipes are just copies or modifications of recipes found in cook books and magazines from the era,” Grace said.

Faced with the truth their grandmother was hiding a dark secret for so many years, the Watson family is unsure how they will continue the family baking traditions.

“I don’t know if I can ever experience Christmas the same knowing Nana’s Gingerbread Christmas Cookies wasn’t really hers,” Kaylee Watson said.  “All those memories of us leaving them out with a cup of milk for Santa are tainted.  I sometimes wonder what else she lied to us about.”

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

 

Photo Credit: Red Raliegh