Amish and Mennonite fans go to see Patrik Laine play with the Jets in Philadelphia against the Flyers

Amish & Mennonite Fans Clog Highways Travelling To Philadelphia To See Patrik Laine

LANCASTER, PA – 

The most popular hockey player among Pennsylvania Dutch, Amish and Mennonite fans from the Lancaster area is playing in Philadelphia and highways are clogged with horse and buggies full of fans slowly making their way to the game.  Pennsylvania Highway 30 will be most affected by the increased traffic.

“We are cautioning regular motorists to be aware of delays and to avoid the area until this caravan of Patrik Laine fans make it to Philadelphia,” Highway Patrol Officer, John Wood warned.  “We’ve never seen this big of an Amish migration at one time before.”

Wells Fargo Centre will be a sea of black hats and white bonnets.  Amish and Mennonite fans from as far away as Lancaster and Harrisburg staring snapping up tickets last month. Demand became so high scalper could charge up to $1,500 per ticket to Saturday’s NHL game between the Winnipeg Jets and Philadelphia Flyers.  Many of the ticket buyers are opting to trade vast amounts of baked goods, blankets, quilts, eggs, live poultry and some pigs for tickets.

Normally after market tickets are sold online or near the rink but for this game, sellers are setting up roadside stands to exchange their seats for a variety of Amish and Mennonite goods.

After Patrik Laine scored a hat trick in New York a few days ago, many Amish men are hopeful they will be able to toss their iconic black hat onto the ice when they see their hero live in person.

“We have to go into town to watch the Jets games,” Jacob Beiler from Lancaster said.  “We love Patrik Laine.  The young single women adore his beard.  In many ways he has made all Amish men more desirable.”

*Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around

*Patrik Laine Visits With Amish Fans Of Lancaster Pennsylvania But Won’t Join Due To Lack Of Wi-Fi

To many Amish and Mennonite fans from Pennsylvania, the fact Winnipeg has embraced the beard wielding Finn, has them interested in re-locating to the Manitoba capital.

“Winnipeg must be some kind of wonderful place if an Amish looking kid like Patrik can be considered a hero,” Beiler said.  “Perhaps they would embrace us the same way.”

Before a mass migration begins, the Laine fans from Pennsylvania will enjoy seeing their favorite hockey player take on the home team.

Flyer team officials are scrambling to secure enough straw and hay to the wave of horses and buggies heading their way.

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Photo Credit: Bob M

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Hockey fans make players better by yelling at them

Winnipeg Fans’ Yelling, Opinions & Knowledge Help Jets Win

Winnipeg, MB –

It turns out yelling at your favourite team can make them play better.  At least, the Winnipeg Jets are admitting comments and advice offered by fans has made a huge difference for them this year.

“We don’t like to admit it but all that yelling during games and opinions on call in shows and social media really help the us play better,” team player spokesperson Evan Watson said.

Jet players admit that hearing fans yell “shoot”, “hit ‘em”, “pass the puck” and “skate” allow them make immediate improvements to their game allowing them to post an excellent record this year.

“I had no idea how good my shot was until I heard a fan tell me to shoot the puck during my first game as a Jet,” Patrik Laine shared.

“Before I came to Winnipeg I didn’t know I had to skate hard,” Blake Wheeler said.  “Thanks to the fans I’m no longer slow and ineffective.”

Jets defenceman, Dustin Byfuglien noted the fans improved his game.  “I knew I was bigger than most of the guys on the ice but before I heard a Winnipeg fan yell at me to hit, I had no idea I was good at it.  Now most teams are afraid of me.”

The Jets site in-game advice as the biggest difference in their play but also credit radio call-in comments and opinions shared on social media as big helps in making the team better.

“Chevy and Paul spend many hours a day sorting through all the suggestions and advice,” Watson said.  “Without them, I’m not sure where we would be today.”

“I’ve had great coaching and played at the highest level possible most of my life but it is amazing how much more the fans know than us,” Mark Scheifele said.  “I mean we play hockey for a living and a guy with three games of junior B, thirty years ago knows more than our head coach.  I’m not sure where we would be if they kept all that knowledge to themselves.”

“I listen to every call-in show and read all the social media feeds and I am humbled by the hockey wisdom out there,” Head Coach Paul Maurice said.  “I’m glad most of these people were too busy to put in an application when they hired me as head coach.  I know Mark Chipman could replace me tomorrow with any number of these folks.”

“Well, it is incredible when you hear a person comment after watching the play once or seeing the highlights with such insight,” Kevin Cheveldayoff explained.  “We watch hours of video from several camera angles and completely miss what some random fan picks up on.  I only wish I could notice things that quickly.”

Jets’ ownership and management are also thankful for the direction from the fans.  “I had no idea how to run a hockey team until the fans started sharing with me,” owner Mark Chipman said.  “To be honest I didn’t know much about running a business either.  If it weren’t for the constant and consistent comments from fans, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I’m truly grateful.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  While the Winnipeg Jets and the members of the organization mentioned are real, they are used in a fictional way to create a satirical piece of fiction.  That means this story is not real.  Please read and share responsibly.  If you thought this was real, well, perhaps you should seek out some professional help immediately.

Photo Credit: S S

Riders’ Fans Being “Way Too Over The Top” Might Be Reason For Mild Support For CFL Elsewhere

Winnipeg, MB – 

Saskatchewan native and life-long Roughriders fan, Matt Slewski is finally coming to terms with the fact his home province might be off track with its CFL passion.

The 35-year-old moved from Regina for work 5 years ago and began noticing his enthusiasm for the Riders and CFL was not matched by local’s love of their own team.

“Every game day I’d do what we were brought up doing in Saskatchewan,” Slewski said.  “I’d wear my Riders green jersey and get fired up for the game.  When I lived in Toronto I noticed nobody else wore football jerseys on game day.  It was like they didn’t even know there was a game.”

After living in Ontario, Slewski moved to his bitter rival’s city of Winnipeg.  It was a tough decision, but to advance his career he had to make the move.

“When I came to Winnipeg, I expected to see blue and gold all over the place on game day,” Slewski said.  “There were more than I saw in Toronto but nowhere close to the sea of green in Regina.”

Slewski suspected there might be a trend happening and travelled to other CFL cities on game day and was shocked at what he found.

“You’d see a lot of jerseys at the stadiums and quite of bit of enthusiasm in Alberta and Manitoba but it was nothing like Saskatchewan.  We might be way too over the top with the football thing.”

The results of his investigation led him to wonder why no one else seemed to care as much as Rider fans.

“I started talking to opposing fans and realized they seem to have other things in their lives they were more interested in than football,” Slewski explained.  “They liked their team and the CFL but it wasn’t the only thing in their life.”

“In Saskatchewan we don’t have anything else to look forward to.  The Riders are the only thing giving us hope and a will to live.  There is absolutely nothing else.”

Slewski points out people in Toronto had so many other things to do they seemed to forget about football.

“In Winnipeg, they’re keener on going to the lake in the summer and then the Jets start up and that’s what most people talk about.  They care about the Jets almost as much as we care about the Riders.”

While he is looking forward to this week’s Banjo Bowl, Slewski admits the rivalry isn’t what he used to believe it was.

“Sure Bomber fans have the noisiest stadium in the country but they aren’t devastated when they lose in the same way Rider fans are.”

“Now that I’ve been away for a while, I’m a little embarrassed by the way Saskatchewan folks insist on wearing Rider gear all the time.  It’s not their fault, they just don’t understand cheering that hard for a CFL team is a little over the top.”

“It’s a bit like that odd kid in high school who thinks they are cool by being a super-fan of a fringe band nobody else cares about,” Slewski offered.  “Sometimes they grow out of that stage and realize the rest of the world isn’t as into it as they are.”

His investigation uncovered an uncomfortable idea on why the CFL isn’t better supported across the country.

“One guy in Vancouver told me people there think that the CFL can’t be that great if it’s cool in Saskatchewan,” Slewski said.  “I guess it is like Corner Gas.  We think it’s the best TV show ever but the rest of Canada finds it only slightly amusing and didn’t really notice when it was cancelled.”

Despite his realization that the CFL isn’t the big deal people in Saskatchewan think it is, he still plans on wearing green and white and partying it up with Bomber Fans in the rivalry of CFL cousins.

“Our game is called the Labour Day Classic; the Winnipeg game is called the Banjo Bowl.  I guess we should have realized no one else takes this seriously.  Winnipeg hasn’t won the Grey Cup in 26 years but it’ll still be a party on game day.  Maybe taking it a little less seriously is a good thing.”

 

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Photo: Karen Neoh – https://www.flickr.com/photos/kneoh/