Study reveals why kids have tantrums. Parents need more help.

Study Reveals Why Kids Throw Tantrums & Leads To Demands For Government Help To Meet Children’s Every Whim

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Experts discovered the reason why a growing number of small children throw temper tantrums, have hissy fits and meltdowns, especially in public.  The shocking new study reveals the wild, annoying and loud behaviour works on most adults.

“Over the last twenty years we have seen an increase in reports of tantrum-like behaviors in children seven and under,” lead researcher Perry Percival said.  “We wanted to find out why tantrums and incessant whining was on the rise in North America.”

The study involved over ten thousand families from a wide demographic range and the findings were overwhelming.

“In over eighty-eight percent of the cases of tantrums and whining observed, the child was able to exert their own will or obtain the object of their desire,” Percival shared.  “Bottom line is children are increasingly adapting their behavior to get what they want.”

Tantrums are working leaving adults scrambling to stay ahead of the adaptive behavior.

“We had melt-downs every day after daycare,” study participant Joelle Swanson explained.  “Little Tyson would demand a trip to the store or ice cream shop and when I said no he would start screaming.  If I didn’t give in, he would start flailing in his car seat and throw things at me.  I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him.”

Swanson’s story is typical of what many parents and adults go through on a daily basis.  The demands of life, hunger to acquire more things and the need to earn more money to live an enhanced life-style is putting a strain on parents’ physical, emotional and psychological energy.

“The government needs to have a look at our findings,” Percival offered.  “With the problem being so wide-spread maybe we need to offer support systems to help parents meet the needs of their kids before things escalate into tantrums and hissy-fits.  Perhaps if parents were equipped with more time, money and resources it wouldn’t be such a big issue.”

The majority of the families in the study echo Percival’s call on the government.

“I think it is about time we got some level of help,” study participant Judy Wall said.  “It’s not 1980 anymore we can’t just say no to our kids.  It’s not good for anyone if things build and build so kids have freak-outs to get what they want.”

“Some kind of government program or assistance would be great,” parent Jerry Neudorf added.  “Giving us more money and time could help give us the energy we need to pander to our children’s whims 24/7.”

Percival warns that with such widespread tantrums becoming more the norm the impact on society could become catastrophic if something is not done soon.

“We could soon see an entire generations of people who have grown up whining and carrying-on have kids of their own,” Percival warned.  “This could lead to an exponential increase in the amount and effectiveness of the behaviour.”

The study is valid 19 times out of 20 and has a margin of error of less than 5% but lacks in any substantial merit or credibility.  Portage la Prairie has a higher than normal rate of whiny children with researchers pegging the tantrum rate at 98% in Portage children.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal disclosure.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature.  That means they are fictional and satirical.  Made up.  Funny.  We know that children are wonderful and not prone to negative behaviour.  We know that adults would never cave to children’s unrealistic demands unless they had a good reason to.  Our mamas didn’t raise no fools.  Wait, maybe they did.  We are stuck inside this imaginary TV station’s website and can’t get out.  Send money if you like.  We’ll likely buy fried chicken and beer with it but we’d appreciate it.  For a while, but after that we’d become increasingly more demanding as the feeling of entitlement overcomes us.  Long live the Empire of Portage la Prairie.  Vote for Billy Neepawa.

Photo Credit – Jared Smith

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Mom admits single-moms not as attractive to dating partners as single-dads

Mom Admits Single-Parent Son Is More Marketable Than Single-Mom Daughter

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

A holiday gathering for a local Portage la Prairie family brought a glaring double-standard to a head when Hilda Nowicki came out of the closet about her attempts to find partners for both of her single-parent children.

“Andrew is just amazing with the kids,” Nowicki said.  “Since being abandoned by his wife he has done an incredible job getting the kids ready for school everyday.  He’s a real catch.”

The Nowicki matriarch is aggressively marketing her son and daughter in hopes of finding a perfect match but admits she is having an easier time with her son than her daughter.

“Telling my friends that my son in a single-parent father carries a lot of cache,” Nowicki explained.  “Mother’s and illegible young women find it appealing when they hear about a guy looking after his kids the way Andrew does.”

Nowicki’s daughter Jillian is recently divorced as well but Hilda is finding it tough to find a potential mate for her daughter.

“Jillian is a nice girl but couldn’t manage to keep her husband and he ran off leaving the kids with her.  She’s too busy to date with trying to finish her degree and getting the kids to all their events.”

“I’ve talked to my friends who have single and eligible sons but being a single-mom makes it a tough sell,” Nowicki explained.  “Young single men don’t see being a single-mom as being a plus and very few of them are interested in even meeting her even if I tell them she has a wonderful personality.”

Jillian admits to being too exhausted most days to be interested in re-entering the dating scene but finds the double standard annoying.

“Andrew is the golden child for “stepping up” and looking after the kids while most of my family just refers to me as the poor, unfortunate single-mom,” Jillian Nowicki said.

Nowicki has successfully found several dates for her son and he is actively involved with several young ladies.

“I go over a couple of times a week to clean up his place and help him out with the kids so he can have some time to date,” Nowicki explained.

It is a service not extended to her daughter.

“Mom and I just argue over house cleaning when she comes over,” Jillian said.  “She doesn’t understand I have to spend my time studying after the kids are asleep rather than cleaning.”

Mother Nowicki sees the situation a little different that her daughter.

“Jillian doesn’t go out very much so she has more time than Andrew to clean her own place.  When or if she decides to get off her butt and start dating again I’ll come give her a hand.”

Hilda had to admit to her extended family she was finding it easier to market her single son over her single daughter.

“I guess I was going on a bit about how great Andrew was doing and how many ladies are interested in him when Jillian flipped her lid,” Nowicki admitted.  “I get that she is frustrated but she shouldn’t take it out on me.”

“Its pretty lame when guys get a bunch of cred for being a single-parent when all single-moms get is a ‘yeah whatever’,” Jillian shared.  “Mom’s gotta stop this double-standard crap.”

The Nowicki’s hope both children find new partners in time for next Christmas so the issue never has to be discussed again.

 

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

Photo Credit – Phillip Stewart

Grandma's recipe turns out to be a copy.

Google Search Reveals Grandma’s “Secret” Family Recipe A Fraud – Family Devastated

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Grandma Watson was the keeper of several “secret” recipes she claimed had been in her family for generations but when the 94-year-old passed away last month the truth was exposed and her family was devastated.

“I wanted to make Nana’s Christmas gingerbread cookies but couldn’t read my copy of her hand-written recipe,” Kaylee Watson said.  “I tried googling gingerbread cookies and I found almost the same recipe online.”

At first Watson thought her family’s sercret was stolen but with a few more clicks she discovered the shocking truth.

“I found most of her recipes with different names,” Watson explained.  “Most came from the Betty Crocker cook book from the 60’s.”

The Watson grandchildren were shocked to find there was no internet or smart phones back in the 1960’s that would allow their grandmother to easily copy the recipes.

“Nana was really frugal so I guess she would have just copied the recipes onto a piece of paper,” Liam Watson offered.  “Her writing is almost impossible to read.  It is so curvy and round I can only make out half of the letters.”

The Watson grandchildren find Emma Watson’s cursive writing impressive but virtually indiscernible.

“I had to get mom to translate most of the recipes,” Kaylee Watson shared.  “I have no idea how she drew letters like that.  It’s pretty but very hard to read.”

The family is left to speculate why their mother and grandmother passed off the recipes as a family secret for all those years.

“Mom was an excellent cook and a master baker,” Karen Watson said.  “She always received compliments for her baking.  I think it added to the mystique with her telling everyone the recipes were family secrets.”

A culinary expert, Kari Grace from Red River College says she hears from a lot of families wrestling with the same issue.

“The reality is that practically nobody in that era had the skill and expertise to create recipes from scratch.  Most ‘family’ recipes are just copies or modifications of recipes found in cook books and magazines from the era,” Grace said.

Faced with the truth their grandmother was hiding a dark secret for so many years, the Watson family is unsure how they will continue the family baking traditions.

“I don’t know if I can ever experience Christmas the same knowing Nana’s Gingerbread Christmas Cookies wasn’t really hers,” Kaylee Watson said.  “All those memories of us leaving them out with a cup of milk for Santa are tainted.  I sometimes wonder what else she lied to us about.”

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

 

Photo Credit: Red Raliegh

Mom Who Suffers From Holiday Family Photo Anxiety Is Abandoned By Family

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Doris Langenbruener is frustrated because other family’s vacations look better than hers do on Facebook and Instagram.

On the Langenbruener’s last family getaway, Doris spent more time on her iPad looking at Facebook and Instagram than she did with her family.  What she saw everyday in her news feed upset her.

“I just want the kids and my husband to pretend they are having the best time ever for ten seconds at a time three times a day,” Langenbruener said.  “I just need half-dozen pics for my Insta-feed and Facebook page.”

After being out done for years by relatives and co-workers, the mother of three is suffering from holiday family photo anxiety.  “I had to unfriend my sister-in-law after she insisted on rubbing her perfect family vacation in my face,” Langenbruener confessed.  “And that bitch Kristen from work got blocked after she kept posting her perfect family pics every weekend.”

The Langenbruener children and father Ricky dislike the forced family fun shots imposed by Doris and protest by looking off camera and not smiling for any of the photos she takes.

“I want people to look at our photos and be just a fraction of how jealous I am of their pics,” Mrs. Langenbruener said.  “I plan, budget and schedule every last-minute of these holidays.  All I ask in return is a steady stream of photos to share with my Facebook friends.  I’m just looking for some likes, validation and to seem better than other people.”

The Langenbruener family are planning a secret Christmas holiday without Doris to avoid her photo anxiety and so they can finally go somewhere they want to.

“Screw all those trendy vacation destinations,” Ricky Langenbruener shared.  “Me and the kids are going to Tampa Bay and Disney.  We’ll see the Jets play and then hit the theme parks and no one will bring a camera or take a selfie.”

Doris Langenbruener is busy planning an eco-tourism adventure to the rain forest of Belize and looking to buy a new camera.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

Photo: m0ntrealist – https://www.flickr.com/photos/spectrus/