Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Church of Tom Petty a Modern Day Saint

Facebook Posts Lead Man To Believe In Resurrected Tom Petty & Start Church

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Portagers are calling it The Church of Tom Petty a Modern Day Saint, and it is a religious movement that is exploding.

Founder, Peter Frohlinger, started the Church after Petty’s death on Monday and according to Frohlinger, his apparent resurrection.

“I got a text from my buddy Derek Monday afternoon that Tom Petty had died,” Frohlinger said.  “The first thing I did was check Facebook and Twitter and sure enough they confirmed he was dead.  I called my wife to break the news to her, but by the time I got home, Facebook said he was alive again.  It was a rock and roll miracle!”

Frohlinger believes the confusion and early reports of Tom Petty’s death were the result of the Rock and Roll Hall of Famer coming back to life.

“The mainstream media won’t cover this but I could tell from Facebook that he was dead for several hours before he came back to life,” Frohlinger said.  The life-long fan believes Petty was prophesying in his hit songs.

“He clearly sang that he won’t back down even at the gates of hell.  I’m guessing he died and maybe ended up going down rather than up and said ‘no way man, I’m Tom Petty and I won’t back down’.  I think he got a second chance to come back, make things right, perform some miracles and then he free-fell out of here.”

The Church of Tom Petty features a doctrine of peace, love and freedom combined with some popular mainstream Christian beliefs.

“I want the world to share in the miracle that was Tom’s death and life,” Frohlinger said.  “After coming back from the dead he clearly found a peace with God and lived out his prophecy of free fallin’ into the after life.  It’s a powerful lesson we can all learn from and live by.”

The churches first several services will feature music and messages centred on the Full Moon Fever album.  Worshippers at each service will sing Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down and the songs Love is a Long Road, A Face in the Crowd, Runnin’ Down a Dream, I’ll Feel a Whole Lot Better, Depending on You and Alright for Now will all be used as the inspiration for upcoming sermons.

“We’ve heard from over four hundred Portagers who plan on coming to our first service this weekend,” Frohlinger offered.  “There are at least a dozen other communities in North America who are looking at starting a local branch of the church.  This idea has really struck a chord and is filling a deep spiritual need.”

The church plans on renting space for now but is looking to buy land and build a church and museum if the support is there.

“Tom was a very spiritual man and we’d love to create something that celebrates the miracle of his death and resurrection along with his music.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about this story and website being satire and purely fictional.  It is sad we have to point this out but please read and share responsibly.

Photo: Amber

Mom Who Suffers From Holiday Family Photo Anxiety Is Abandoned By Family

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Doris Langenbruener is frustrated because other family’s vacations look better than hers do on Facebook and Instagram.

On the Langenbruener’s last family getaway, Doris spent more time on her iPad looking at Facebook and Instagram than she did with her family.  What she saw everyday in her news feed upset her.

“I just want the kids and my husband to pretend they are having the best time ever for ten seconds at a time three times a day,” Langenbruener said.  “I just need half-dozen pics for my Insta-feed and Facebook page.”

After being out done for years by relatives and co-workers, the mother of three is suffering from holiday family photo anxiety.  “I had to unfriend my sister-in-law after she insisted on rubbing her perfect family vacation in my face,” Langenbruener confessed.  “And that bitch Kristen from work got blocked after she kept posting her perfect family pics every weekend.”

The Langenbruener children and father Ricky dislike the forced family fun shots imposed by Doris and protest by looking off camera and not smiling for any of the photos she takes.

“I want people to look at our photos and be just a fraction of how jealous I am of their pics,” Mrs. Langenbruener said.  “I plan, budget and schedule every last-minute of these holidays.  All I ask in return is a steady stream of photos to share with my Facebook friends.  I’m just looking for some likes, validation and to seem better than other people.”

The Langenbruener family are planning a secret Christmas holiday without Doris to avoid her photo anxiety and so they can finally go somewhere they want to.

“Screw all those trendy vacation destinations,” Ricky Langenbruener shared.  “Me and the kids are going to Tampa Bay and Disney.  We’ll see the Jets play and then hit the theme parks and no one will bring a camera or take a selfie.”

Doris Langenbruener is busy planning an eco-tourism adventure to the rain forest of Belize and looking to buy a new camera.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

Photo: m0ntrealist – https://www.flickr.com/photos/spectrus/