Local seniors are downing hydrogen peroxide in higher and higher concentrations

Hydrogen Peroxide Drinking Seniors Surpass Stupidity Of Tide Pod Eating Teens 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

Maude and Jim McIntyre had to rush their grandson to the hospital to have his stomach pumped after he consumed a laundry pod during a drinking party six months ago.  Last weekend Joel McIntyre had to rush his grandfather to the E.R. after he downed some hydrogen peroxide.

“Gramps is on a health kick and has been sipping the peroxide for a few months now and he said he was feeling better,” Joel McIntyre explained.  “He was shooting the 3% stuff until Gramma found him some 10% stuff from her church buddies.”

The McIntyres are part of a growing group of senior citizens experimenting with hydrogen peroxide for health and recreational purposes even though all medical and scientific evidence advises strongly against ingestion.

“Drinking hyrodgen peroxide can cause severe throat and stomach irritation,” Medical Expert Peter Stephens said.  “In higher concentrations the oxygen bubbles that are released in the stomach can cause embolisms resulting in heart attacks, strokes and death.  No one should be drinking this stuff but we are seeing more and more seniors getting hooked.”

Despite being mature adults most of the peroxide drinking seniors we spoke with are angry with recent initiatives to thwart access to the substance and pleas for them to stop ingesting it.

“Locally we will have to work with retailers to put this product behind the counter and ask that it not be sold to seniors,” Stephens said.  “It seems at their stage in life they just don’t have the tools and ability to assess the danger of what they are doing.”

“Sure, I got real drunk and ate a Tide Pod on a dare but I would never in my right mind drink peroxide,” Joel McIntyre said.  “They’ll have to ban this substance and put some stiffer penalties in place to stop the seniors from doing this stuff.  It’s already getting out of hand.

E.R. rooms are packed with seniors looking for a magic health elixir and those simply out for the thrill of having oxygen bubbles entering their blood stream at an unhealthy rate.

“I’ve been drinking peroxide for years and I’m as healthy as a horse,” 63-year-old Brian Roland said.  “I drink it four times a day but I don’t get into the high concentrated stuff.”

“I don’t trust doctors and scientists because they like to lie to us about these kinds of things,” Margaret Stead.  “My Aunt Susie, the fellow at the health food store and the Ukrainian lady who lives next door are my ‘go to’ sources for health care advice.  Who needs doctors?”

Stead’s sentiment is widely shared by a growing group of senior citizens.  While some are looking to gain alleged and unproven health benefits others are looking for thrills and notoriety.

“The guys in my apartment block try to out do each other with how much we can drink,” Ray Wiebe said.  “Frank drank so much he went a little crazy and had to go to the hospital and Dave drank some 35% stuff and his gut puffed up like a balloon before he had to go to the emergency room.  But it was all fun.  They are both okay now so what’s the harm?”

No different from laundry detergent pods, hydrogen peroxide is not suitable for internal use and all medical experts agree no one should swallow either substance.

 

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read a full disclaimer and explanation along with finding links to incredibly interesting legal information.  Please do not eat laundry detergent of any kind because it is bad for you.  Please do not drink hydrogen peroxide as it too is bad for you.  Both could make you very sick and possibly kill you.  Still we know some people will insist on participating in this risky behaviour but CIPP-TV supports nothing but abstaining from ingesting these products.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature and origin.  They are not real.  Please read and share accordingly and responsibly.

Photo Credit – Carlton Browne

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Increased Alcohol Consumption Makes Portage Better Than Steinbach & Winkler

Portage la Prairie, MB –

The City of Possibilities is toasting the arrival of a second Liquor Commission outlet as evidence of its superiority to other cities in Southern Manitoba.

Despite the fact both Steinbach and Winkler are experiencing population growth higher than Portage, locals have maintained their city is still better and more fun.

“We beat Winkler and Steinbach all the time in hockey,” Portager Drew Mandel said.  “We have a lake, Island Park and a really nice rink so Portage is way better.  And we know how to party.

When both Winkler and Steinbach built fancy new Liquor Commissions, many Portagers felt slighted by their predominately Mennonite rivals.

“How did Winkler and Steinbach get new LC’s before us?” Portager Eugene Wilson shared.  “A town that used to be dry has a nicer booze store than us.  How does that work?”

Portage has pride in its drinking reputation and the start of construction on the new west-end LC is being celebrated.

“We always knew we could out drink Winkler and Steinbach.  That was never in doubt.  Mennonites will only drink when there are no other Mennonites around,” Portager Billy Friessen said.  “Now we can point to our two locations as indisputable proof we party harder.”

“The only other cities in Manitoba to give us a run at liquor consumption would be Dauphin, Swan River and perhaps Selkirk,” Wilson added.  “But they don’t have two locations so I guess we are better drinkers.”

Portage is looking at marketing itself as a party town in hopes of increasing its appeal as a place to live and invest.

“We know how to party better than anyone,” Friessen offered.  “We should embrace that and advertise it more.  And maybe businesses and people will want to move here.”

“Winkler is known for its work ethic but that is boring.  Younger generations would like the party message much better,” Wilson said.  “We could really build on this.”

An informal survey of Portagers confirm most feel that drinking more increases their positive feelings for the city.

With an east and west end location, the Liquor Commission stores join retail icons like 7-11 and Tim Hortons and could assist in defining west and east Portage.  Click here to read the story on how Portage la Prairie is divided here.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  This is an entertainment site and not a news outlet.  We don’t make fake news to trick people we create fiction to entertain and challenge.   Enjoy in moderation and share responsibly.

Photo:  lemonjenny – https://www.flickr.com/photos/pumpkinjuice/