Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

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Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

World’s Largest Coke Can A Symbol Of Diabetes & Obesity Must Replaced With Cucumber or Sausage

Portage la Prairie, MB –

The assault on historic monuments is hitting Portage la Prairie hard and it may cost the idyllic city its premiere tourist attraction.

Protesters will assemble Monday night to highlight their efforts to have the world’s largest Coke can removed or replaced with a healthier option.

“It’s an offensive sight to have tower above our skyline while our people suffer,” head protester Adam Carmichael said.  “What does this ungodly thing say to our children.  It must go.”

Carmichael’s group see the tourist beacon as a symbol to the growing obesity and diabetes epidemic and want the city to take a leadership role in addressing their concerns.

“Fellow diabetics are losing limbs and sight on a regular basis because of a high sugar diet our culture forces on people,” Carmichael said.  “Youth are more obese and inactive than ever in our community and our biggest monument helps promote it.”

For years, the giant pop can has pulled tourists off the highway for photos with many of them staying around long enough to grab gas and urinate.

“Portage is the perfect piss stop on the Trans Canada Highway,” city spokesperson Anita Roswell said.  “The Coke can is a big part of that.  If we were to lose the attraction we’d miss out on millions of tourism dollars.”

“You can’t put a price on health,” Carmichael said.  “We spend more money on dialysis than we’d get from tourists anyway.”

While the protestors would prefer the immediate removal of the structure they are willing to consider options.

“The city told us they would look at painting the can to make it a beer can or some other canned beverage but that doesn’t address our main concern.”

The group is opposed to any type of commercial beverage being advertised on the site and prefer it be returned it to it’s original water tower state.

“We don’t think anybody would turn off the highway to take a picture of an old water tower,” Roswell said.  “We’ll look at other options like perhaps the world’s largest shot gun shell or the world’s largest roll of bologna or salami.”

“In our initial focus groups, the consensus was that people would want to take a photo with with world’s largest meat.  It didn’t seem to matter what kind, but the world’s largest farmer’s sausage seems kinda fun.”

Carmichael admits there would be an attraction to having a picture next to the biggest farmer’s sausage on the planet he would prefer the city stay away from meat and opt for a vegan option.

“We don’t want to be in the same spot a few months down the line with vegans wanting the monument down,” Carmichael explained.  “The city should look at making it the world’s largest pickle or cucumber.  It would have the same phalic appeal but be less controversial.”


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