Woman beats influenza and all illness with garlic cure

Woman’s Garlic Cure Is More Effective Than Flu-Shot But Makes Her Smell Worse Than Dead Animal

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

For the past eighteen years, Ingrid Salisbury has consumed four large cloves of garlic a day and has not been ill once during that time.

“It is truly remarkable she has gone that long without being sick,” medical expert Brian Draward said, “We conducted research on her for the past three years to try and validate her claim about the garlic.  We can confirm Ms. Salisbury has successfully beat any and all viral infections including all strains of influenza.  We believe, beyond a doubt, it is due to her consumption of copious amount of garlic.”

The news was initially greeted by anti-vaxxers as a victory against influenza vaccinations but their celebrations were cut short by the additional medical explanation.

“After studying and smelling Ms. Salisbury we realized the garlic was doing nothing internally or medically to help her against the flu,” Draward explained.  “It was the social isolation and the lack of any and all meaningful human contact resulting from her overwhelming odour.”

Experts compared Salisbury’s scent to that of a dead animal being masked by rancid garlic stuck in a teen’s shoe.

“This woman avoided human contact that would result in the spread of the virus by remaining over ten feet away from everyone else,” Draward shared.  “During the study our team had to utilize masks and breathing apparatus to deal with Ms. Salisbury.”

The single 42-year-old woman lives alone and is okay with the absence of significant human contact as long as it keeps the flu at bay.

“I’m kind of an introvert anyway,” Salisbury said via cell phone.  “I’m the healthiest person I know.”

While effective for keeping viruses away from her, Salisbury laments the loss of romance in her life as in-person dating is no longer possible.

“I’m just dating online now, looking for a special someone who eats as much garlic as I do so,” Salisbury shared.

She has found some potential garlic mates in Slovakia and Poland but since sailing is the only travel option, she has not been able to take her relationships to the next level.

Scientists estimate it would take about eighteen months for the smell to leave Salisbury so she could interact like a typical person with coffee breath.

“I might opt for the vaccine yet but I’ve been by myself for so long I’m not sure I care.  As long as my cats still don’t mind I’ll be happy.”

Notice to readers/ disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While the fear of the flu and accompanying vaccines are real along with garlic, this story was made up and is not real. Please do not try to fool your friends or yourself into thinking this is a real news story.  That would make you similar to Donald Trump and nobody is comfortable with that comparison.  Remember to treat satire and humour like the consumption of garlic and exercise extreme caution when doing so.

Photo Credit – Michael Whitney

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New Years Resolution to get rid of all the fake hoes in her life

Portager Resolves To Eliminate “Fake Hoes” From Her Life In The New Year

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Rachel Paddock is cutting some dead weight and negative energy from life to start the New Year fresh.  Early in the morning and January 1st she tweeted and posted on Instagram that she was “getting rid of all them damn fake hoes in my life”.

One of the boldest, and most life-altering resolutions of the New Year, blew up on social media with friends, family and associates offering up encouragement and some criticism.  CIPP-TV caught up with Paddock to see how she is doing after making the ill-considered comment while being extremely drunk.

“Some them bitzes are hating on my insta-feed,” Paddock explained.  “Well they ain’t had to endure what I been enduring for the last year.”

After ending a long-term relationship of eight months earlier in the year, Paddock quickly ran into difficulty finding a suitable mate and blames it on some of her friends.

“Those fake hoes were always wheeling my bae so they’d always end up cheating on me,” Paddock shared.  “Even my baby’s daddy got tricked by them hoes.”

Many Portagers weighed in on the social media storm accusing Paddock of being a “fake hoe” herself.

“I ain’t no fake hoe,” Paddock fired back.  “I’m the real deal one hundred per cent.  Any man of mine knows I’m in it for him and I ain’t gonna wheel his bros.”

In the New Year, Paddock hopes to focus on self-improvement and gaining the internal strength and resolve to become the type of person who can secure a long-term, committed relationship.

“With no more fake hoes messing up my life I can finally be the person I always wanted to be,” Paddock said. “I’ve got issues but I need my bitzes to be positive so I can improve.”

Paddock received several comments taking aim at her use of the term hoe and its connection to prostitution.

“I ain’t promoting prostitution.  Everybody knows hoes and skanks don’t have nothing to do with prostitution.  I don’t know what they’re talking ‘bout,” Paddock said.

With eliminating the fake hoes from her life Paddock’s New Year’s resolutions also include regular exercise, reading more and watching less reality T.V.

“I want this year to be all about me and how much better I can make my life,” Paddock explained.  “By this time next year those fake hoes will look and me and be like, wow, look how amazing Rachel is now.  We shouldn’t have been such fake hoes to her.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV and this story are imaginary, fictional and full of shit and satire.  Please read and share often but responsibly.

Photo credit: Melinda

Mom admits single-moms not as attractive to dating partners as single-dads

Mom Admits Single-Parent Son Is More Marketable Than Single-Mom Daughter

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

A holiday gathering for a local Portage la Prairie family brought a glaring double-standard to a head when Hilda Nowicki came out of the closet about her attempts to find partners for both of her single-parent children.

“Andrew is just amazing with the kids,” Nowicki said.  “Since being abandoned by his wife he has done an incredible job getting the kids ready for school everyday.  He’s a real catch.”

The Nowicki matriarch is aggressively marketing her son and daughter in hopes of finding a perfect match but admits she is having an easier time with her son than her daughter.

“Telling my friends that my son in a single-parent father carries a lot of cache,” Nowicki explained.  “Mother’s and illegible young women find it appealing when they hear about a guy looking after his kids the way Andrew does.”

Nowicki’s daughter Jillian is recently divorced as well but Hilda is finding it tough to find a potential mate for her daughter.

“Jillian is a nice girl but couldn’t manage to keep her husband and he ran off leaving the kids with her.  She’s too busy to date with trying to finish her degree and getting the kids to all their events.”

“I’ve talked to my friends who have single and eligible sons but being a single-mom makes it a tough sell,” Nowicki explained.  “Young single men don’t see being a single-mom as being a plus and very few of them are interested in even meeting her even if I tell them she has a wonderful personality.”

Jillian admits to being too exhausted most days to be interested in re-entering the dating scene but finds the double standard annoying.

“Andrew is the golden child for “stepping up” and looking after the kids while most of my family just refers to me as the poor, unfortunate single-mom,” Jillian Nowicki said.

Nowicki has successfully found several dates for her son and he is actively involved with several young ladies.

“I go over a couple of times a week to clean up his place and help him out with the kids so he can have some time to date,” Nowicki explained.

It is a service not extended to her daughter.

“Mom and I just argue over house cleaning when she comes over,” Jillian said.  “She doesn’t understand I have to spend my time studying after the kids are asleep rather than cleaning.”

Mother Nowicki sees the situation a little different that her daughter.

“Jillian doesn’t go out very much so she has more time than Andrew to clean her own place.  When or if she decides to get off her butt and start dating again I’ll come give her a hand.”

Hilda had to admit to her extended family she was finding it easier to market her single son over her single daughter.

“I guess I was going on a bit about how great Andrew was doing and how many ladies are interested in him when Jillian flipped her lid,” Nowicki admitted.  “I get that she is frustrated but she shouldn’t take it out on me.”

“Its pretty lame when guys get a bunch of cred for being a single-parent when all single-moms get is a ‘yeah whatever’,” Jillian shared.  “Mom’s gotta stop this double-standard crap.”

The Nowicki’s hope both children find new partners in time for next Christmas so the issue never has to be discussed again.

 

Notice to reader/disclaimer – click here to read about the satirical and fictional reality of this story and website.  That means this story is not real.  It is imaginary, like CIPP-TV and most of my friends and some of yours.  Please read and share and participate in the joke by playing along but do not try to fool people into thinking this is real.  That is not nice and people will grow to resent you if you do that very often.

Photo Credit – Phillip Stewart