Osgood-Schlatter survivors get help with two new initiatives, Run for the Cure and Take A Knee campaign.

Taking A Knee During Anthems Could Help End Osgood-Schlatter Disease

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

It is a disease that strikes mostly young men in their athletic prime and if mayoral candidate, Ryan Coke, is elected it will be eliminated.

“Osgood-Schlatter is a terrible disease that has shattered many young Portage athlete’s dreams,” Ryan Coke said at a glitzy press conference at Stride Place featuring a bouncy castle and free cotton candy.  “The future is now.  It’s time to find a cure and end this horrible, horrible, deplorable disease.”

Coke is proposing a “run for the cure” featuring those affected by Osgood-Schlatter to raise funds and awareness despite the fact the condition attacks the knees of youth.

“When people see an Osgood-Schlatter sufferer struggle to limp their way through a ten kilometer run they will be moved to give,” Coke shared.  “Not only that, but they will never make fun, or marginalize those with the disease again.”

A second initiative Coke is proposing is the “take a knee for OSD” initiative that will encourage athletes and fans to go to one knee during national anthems to raise awareness for the degenerative knee disease.

“Taking a knee for Osgood-Schlatter during anthems will remind people before every sporting event that there are many out there who find kneeling difficult because of this horrible, horrible disease,” Coke explained.  “We are asking everyone who takes a knee to donate a dollar each time to help support families with children battling OSD.”

Osgood-Schlatter affects 4% of the population and targets boys between 10 and 15.  Many with the condition are unaware until diagnosed by a doctor.

“I had no idea I had Osgood-Schlatter or what it was until my doctor said those horrible, horrible words,” OSD survivor Zac Harder said.  “I went to see the doctor with sore knees and I came out of his office with Osgood-Schlatter.  I’m lucky to have come through it all.”

Harder was a promising baseball and hockey player but had to settle for beer-league greatness instead of making the pros.  “I could have made the show if it wasn’t for Osgood-Schlatter and perhaps, a lack of high-end skill,” Harder shared.  “We’ll never know how far I could have gone.  I hate even saying the name Osgood-Schlatter.”

The first 10k Run for the Cure in support of Portage la Prairie Osgood-Schlatter sufferers and survivors goes August 15 at the unusual Island Park.  Donation forms can be picked up in advance at CIPP – TV’s front desk from an overly friendly woman named Susan.

Notice to readers – Click here to read the full disclaimer.  CIPP-TV, Ryan Coke and this story and website are creations of fiction motivated out of weirdness, satire and an attempt at humour.  If you do not find this funny then please look away.  Not everyone will find this funny.  Some will find it funny.  Either way you will not be alone.  Osgood-Schlatter is a real condition although its effects are marginal and most people who have it go on to live productive and happy lives.  Never give money-raising money for a cure for OSD as they are likely scamming you.  You can send us money but we only accept make-believe money and exist primarily in people’s imagination.  Don’t stop believin’.  Hold on to that feelin’.

Photo Credit – Brett Kelly

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Woman beats influenza and all illness with garlic cure

Woman’s Garlic Cure Is More Effective Than Flu-Shot But Makes Her Smell Worse Than Dead Animal

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

For the past eighteen years, Ingrid Salisbury has consumed four large cloves of garlic a day and has not been ill once during that time.

“It is truly remarkable she has gone that long without being sick,” medical expert Brian Draward said, “We conducted research on her for the past three years to try and validate her claim about the garlic.  We can confirm Ms. Salisbury has successfully beat any and all viral infections including all strains of influenza.  We believe, beyond a doubt, it is due to her consumption of copious amount of garlic.”

The news was initially greeted by anti-vaxxers as a victory against influenza vaccinations but their celebrations were cut short by the additional medical explanation.

“After studying and smelling Ms. Salisbury we realized the garlic was doing nothing internally or medically to help her against the flu,” Draward explained.  “It was the social isolation and the lack of any and all meaningful human contact resulting from her overwhelming odour.”

Experts compared Salisbury’s scent to that of a dead animal being masked by rancid garlic stuck in a teen’s shoe.

“This woman avoided human contact that would result in the spread of the virus by remaining over ten feet away from everyone else,” Draward shared.  “During the study our team had to utilize masks and breathing apparatus to deal with Ms. Salisbury.”

The single 42-year-old woman lives alone and is okay with the absence of significant human contact as long as it keeps the flu at bay.

“I’m kind of an introvert anyway,” Salisbury said via cell phone.  “I’m the healthiest person I know.”

While effective for keeping viruses away from her, Salisbury laments the loss of romance in her life as in-person dating is no longer possible.

“I’m just dating online now, looking for a special someone who eats as much garlic as I do so,” Salisbury shared.

She has found some potential garlic mates in Slovakia and Poland but since sailing is the only travel option, she has not been able to take her relationships to the next level.

Scientists estimate it would take about eighteen months for the smell to leave Salisbury so she could interact like a typical person with coffee breath.

“I might opt for the vaccine yet but I’ve been by myself for so long I’m not sure I care.  As long as my cats still don’t mind I’ll be happy.”

Notice to readers/ disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While the fear of the flu and accompanying vaccines are real along with garlic, this story was made up and is not real. Please do not try to fool your friends or yourself into thinking this is a real news story.  That would make you similar to Donald Trump and nobody is comfortable with that comparison.  Remember to treat satire and humour like the consumption of garlic and exercise extreme caution when doing so.

Photo Credit – Michael Whitney