Lack of funeral announcements frustrate local senior Udo Dirkschneider

Local Senior Frustrated By Lack of Funeral Announcements On Local Radio Station Launches Formal Complaint 

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.

“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained.  “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it.  The cup, not the radio.”

Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.

“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained.  “In the last few years they keep cutting back.  Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’.  Well, why the hell not?  There has always been funeral announcements.”

“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared.  “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”

The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.

“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said.  “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”

CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement.  “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so.  In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none.  We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”

The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns.  “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue.  Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning.  While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason.  We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”

Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.

“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said.  “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal notices.  This story is fictional and satirical as is the website in its entirety.  Humour is not for everyone, please use responsibly.  Fictional means made up, not real while satirical implies funny but this is not always the case.  Warning, not all the stories on this website are funny to all viewers.  Every attempt has been made to achieve a laugh or happy grunt but these attempts are nor always successful.  Please continue to return to this website daily to find our latest stab at tickling you where it makes you chuckle.  Tell your friends about us but please do not share with your mother.  Please follow all the advice of the Canada Food Guide and always wear a condom.  Help a friend, walk a dog, pet a cat and talk to a bird.  Your mother is afraid of us.  You were warned.  Obey the rules of the road and do not light fires.

Photo Credit – Paul Waite

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CIPP-TV wins national award for pandering news coverage of local non-accomplishment

C.I.P.P.-TV Wins National Award For Pandering News Coverage Of Local Non-Accomplishments

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Popular local TV station C.I.P.P. was winner of a prestigious national award from the CRTC for excellence in news and information gathering.

The annual For The People Award was presented to station owner and general pain in the ass Ryan Coke last night at a gala in Ottawa.

“It’s an honour to receive this award in our first year of operation, it was one of our goals when we started C.I.P.P. TV Channel 116 to win a national award,” Ryan Coke said in a written statement since he no longer speaks directly to his staff using words.

The CRTC hands out the For The People Award to the station which “demonstrates excellence in pandering to local community groups, businesses and organizations for financial or political gain in their local expression and information gathering.  For The People Award honours those broadcasters making little to no actual difference in their communities by covering stories that are truly about nothing more than self-congratulation and positive presentations on events, issues and initiatives that accomplish nothing.”

A story about the City of Portage la Prairie placing 11th on the list of best places to live in Manitoba scored the upstart media outlet the win.  The six-minute feature story outlined all the highlights and benefits of Portage and area and included a rousing pitch from elected officials and prominent business leaders.  Locals credit the piece for helping Portage climb from 15th place all the way to 11 as they noted nothing had actually changed from the last time the survey was done.

“Channel 116 C.I.P.P. did an amazing job in it’s first few months of operation,” CRTC presenter Vaughn Peterson-Kent said.  “Their coverage of Portage la Prairie and the entire Central Plains area did an excellent job in making the place look almost inhabitable and successfully won over business and elected officials.  They are a shining light to the rest of the country as to what imaginary, sarcastic and satirical media outlets can achieve.  C.I.P.P. TV is a true champion for their community and we are pleased to celebrate them.  It is further evidence we made the right decision in giving them a broadcast license even though they exist only on the inter-web.”

Ryan Coke was reported to have been quite surprised at the award since he felt “the overall ability and creativity of our team is deplorable.”

“I actually thought the story from CKX in Brandon about the pathetic attempt at a city-wide garbage clean up sponsored by a fast food chain would win,” Coke admitted.

Staff at the local television station of choice took the opportunity to celebrate at a local pizza restaurant called Mano’s by getting drunk, loud and obnoxious, which is what most of their stories are like.

“We’ve pandered and pooh-poohed just about every business and group possible so far and its nice to be acknowledged for doing what we do,” Ryan Coke said.  “Winning a national award really validates us and what we do.  It’s what we live for actually.  We can now say we are an award-winning station.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and get the full legal low down on the fictional nature of this story and website.  Don’t worry CIPP-TV is not a real television station and they did not receive a national award for their ridiculous stories and so-called coverage.  They do covet a national award because everybody likes to get a trophy and nowadays you can get a trophy for just about anything, not to mention get a national award.  Awards are good but that doesn’t make this story any more real.  Don’t try and trick your friends into thinking this is real or they will grow to dislike you more and trust you less, if that is possible.  Don’t drink and drive either.  Certainly don’t text and drive and please don’t leave your dog in the car on a hot day.  These are very bad things you should avoid.  Now aren’t you glad you read this entire paragraph?

Photo Credit – John S and James L. Knight