Billy Neepawa wants to be mayor and dig a tunnel under Crescent Lake

Mayoral Candidate Proposes Tunnel Under Crescent Lake To Replace Planned Causeway

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A long-suffering Portager is throwing his hat in the ring to become Portage la Prairie’s next mayor and tossing out some great new ideas.

“After consulting with my mom and my cats, I have decided to become a candidate for mayor in the next municipal election,” Billy Neepawa announced at a sparsely attended press conference.

“The issues in Portage are numerous, if not obvious, and I intend to solve all of them in my first term,” Neepawa boldly predicted.

Neepawa is the first to declare his candidacy but it is rumoured incumbent Sherman Moffat intends to run for another term while media mogul and CIPP –TV station owner, Ryan Coke, is said to be thinking about taking a run to be Portage’s illustrious leader.  Coke is believed to be concerned about his chances going up against Neepawa.

Billy Neepawa was quick to come out swinging against the current mayor and council.

“We’ve seen the past two city council’s dither and make poor decisions about what to do with the Island Park Bridge.  Today, I’m unveiling my plans to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake instead of the proposed causeway now being looked at.”

“If England and France can have a ‘Chunnel’ connecting them, Portage can certainly build a short tunnel under the lake and I propose we call it the ‘Crunnel’ to stand for Crescent Lake Tunnel.”

The plan calls for a tunnel running from Royal Road under the lake to Island Park.  Neepawa claims the plan will allow the existing bridge to remain as a pedestrian bridge and allow the current causeway to be removed for better water flow.

“We can create an engineering marvel, save the wood bridge and decrease the cost of the project by building a Crunnel,” Neepawa said.  “In addition to the tunnel we will also be able to create a substantial recreational hill on the island with all the dirt we displace.  It may even be tall enough for down hill skiing and snowboarding, creating hundreds of tourism jobs.”

The gathering of mostly friends and relatives had mixed feelings on Neepawa’s plans and candidacy.  His mother Barry Neepawa was happy to see her son get out of the house for the afternoon but refused to speak to reporters.

“I’ve know Billy for years and I think he would make an okay mayor, I guess,” life-long friend Amelia French said.  “I usually don’t vote anyway.  I like the Crunnel idea.”

Jimmy Wiebe, a cousin to Neepawa, was optimistic.  “Billy loves his cats and his mom.  That is the kind of character this town needs.  He’s an out of the box thinker with little to no financial knowledge or skill.  He could quite possibly bankrupt our town.  I’m voting for him for sure!”

Incumbent Mayor Sherman Moffat said he was surprised at Neepawa’s decision but still would not reveal his plans for the fall election.

Political analysts believe Neepawa has wide populist appeal and could pose a formidable challenge.  It is widely believed people like to vote for people who love cats and respect their mothers.

Neepawa has no previous public service experience but did run for vice president in junior high at La Verendrye School, an endeavour he plans to draw on.

“I ran for council at La Verendrye School but I came in third,” Neepawa recalled.  “I lost to the girl who started puberty early and a guy who wore cool beer t-shirts.  I don’t think this election will be a popularity contest so I should be all right.”

The money-saving, job creating tunnel is a great first step in winning the election but it is still early in the race.  With potential candidates who are media moguls, unemployed socialists, uneducated buffoons, leg wrestlers, barn animals, turtle doves and musical stars anything can still happen.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful again.

Photo credit – Eli Duke

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Co-worker saves friends toes from frostbite by sucking on them

TV Morning Show Host Saves Co-Worker From Frostbite By Sucking His Toes

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – 

Since moving to Portage la Prairie to work at CIPP-TV, Oliver Sutton has endured a lot, but his assignment on New Years Eve involved going above and beyond the call of a TV morning show host.  In frigid temperatures, Sutton, host of PP In The Morning, had to think quickly in order to save a co-worker from the effects of frostbite.

BJ (Harrisburg) and I were at a New Years Eve celebration here in town (Portage la Prairie) when we found ourselves unable to get a ride or cab,” Oliver Sutton said.  “We were on the island (Island Park) and stood outside for half an hour in the freezing cold before we decided to hike across the lake (Crescent Lake) to get home.”

TV station co-worker has toes saved from frostbite by sucking
PP After Dark host, BJ Harrisburg is overjoyed his friend and CIPP-TV co-worker, PP In The Morning Host, Oliver Sutton saved his toes from frostbite by sucking on them

The walk was less than thirty minutes, but both Sutton and Harrisburg were wearing stylish dress shoes not designed to rebuff minus twenty-eight degree Celsius weather.  With only a light coat and thin, snazzy, dress pants the pair experienced mild hypothermia on the way home.  Because of an earlier decision not to wear socks, Harrisburg’s feet were practically frozen by the time they reached home.

“BJ was pretty loaded but the walk kind of sobered him up,” Sutton explained.  “When we got in the house he was pretty much crying from the pain in his feet.”

Panic sunk in and Sutton was not sure if he should call 911 when his co-worker started screaming something.

“For whatever reason I remembered a bit from Doug and Bob McKenzie when they talked about Ernie’s mom sucking his toes,” Harrisburg, host of PP After Dark, said.  “I knew that’s what Oliver had to do.”

Thankfully, Sutton was still intoxicated, and open to Harrisburg’s strange request.

“He was screaming so loud from the pain I just pulled off his shoes and went to it,” Sutton said.  “Once his toes were in my mouth he stopped screaming.  I kept alternating feet and he slowly calmed down.”

Harrisburg credits his morning show host friend for saving his toes.

“I still ended up having some white spots on my toes but Oliver really saved the day – and my toes,” Harrisburg said.

Medical experts confirm that Sutton’s quick reaction, inhibition and disregard for his own dignity likely saved Harrisburg from medical intervention, including the possibility of amputation.

Good friends prior to the event, the pair are even closer now, but Harrisburg was unsure if he would return the favour.

“I don’t think I could suck Oliver’s toes,” Harrisburg admitted.  “I’d have to be extremely drunk for there to even be a chance.”

Sutton is not offended by his friend’s honesty on returning the sucking favour.

“I couldn’t have done it if I wasn’t drunk and panicked.  I was very thankful he didn’t have any toe-jam when I put them in my mouth or I might have gagged.”

“I can’t look at Oliver the same way any more,” Harrisburg shared.  “After what he did for me, the sacrifice he made, I think we’ll always be close.

Sutton has noticed Harrisburg holding his glance a little longer than he used to and going barefoot more often.

“I definitely feel safer when Oliver is around,” Harrisburg said.  “I can’t watch him eat the same way anymore though.”

The other CIPP-TV employees are generally grossed out by the story and clear out of the lunchroom if Harrisburg and Sutton are there staring at each other.  Several staff have filed formal complaints over Harrisburg’s refusal to cover his feet in the newsroom.  The Union of Mediocre Television Workers in Small Markets(UMTWS) is investigating and offering counselling to all those affected.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the advanced and more developed disclaimer full of legal language and warnings.  While frostbite and Portage la Prairie are real, CIPP-TV, the individuals mentioned, the story and website are fictional and humorous.  Portage la Prairie can be humorous as well but this website shares no responsibility in that.  All this to say, this story is not real it is made up.  We do not know why we have to keep explaining this to people.

Photo Credit – Headline Photo – Travis Rigel Lukas Hornrung

Photo Credit – Story Photo – Matthew Oliphant

Crescent Lake will become muskrat farm complete with Muskratville theme park

Muskrat Farm and “Muskratville” Theme Park Planned for Crescent Lake

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A planned muskrat farm for Portage la Prairie’s Crescent Lake hopes to convince the RCMP to go with Manitoba muskrat for its hats.

The Mounties are looking for 4,500 new winter hats and needs about 12,000 muskrats to make them and it is exactly the type of order Portage Muskrat Farms Inc. needs to secure financing.

“We are working hard to meet all the requirements for the order,” President Ian Longbottom said.  “The RCMP indicated they want eastern Canadian muskrat but we hope to prove Portage muskrat fur is better.  It’s much colder here and our muskrats produce better fur for cold weather so we think we have a chance.”

The new Portage industry hopes to get Crescent Lake ready for high volume muskrat production over the winter and get into full swing next summer.

“We will get all the infrastructure in place during freeze up so we catch the breeding season in the spring,” Longbottom said.  “We think we can raise over ten thousand muskrats a year.”

The operation will use the natural habitat of Crescent Lake with enhanced amenities for the river rats so increased reproduction could occur.  Lake users would not be impacted, as no enclosures would be required for the plan.

“The lake would look the same as muskrats will stay in the area with proper feeding,” Longbottom said.  “You’ll definitely notice a lot more muskrats swimming around but that is where the theme park will increase tourism in the summer.”

Open May to October and billed as the world’s largest muskrat city, Muskratville will occupy just over 1.5 hectares of Crescent Lake and be styled after Saskatchewan’s highly successful Gopherville tourist attraction.

“We will have a full aqua-city built for our muskrats where people can pay ten dollars to watch them frolic and enjoy life on Crescent Lake,” Longbottom offered.  “There will be tons of photo opportunities and an underwater viewing area where you can watch the muskrats swimming and playing.”  Longbottom says the muskrat city will be modeled after Portage la Prairie and allow muskrats to enjoy a scaled version of our city.

The cute furry rodents promise to be a tourist boon to the City of Portage la Prairie similar to the draw Canadian Geese have on visitors from around the world (click here to read about goose tourism in Portage).

“Next to the beaver I don’t think you could get a more marketable rodent,” Longbottom said.  “Muskrats are cute, cuddly, hard-working and ever-breeding which makes this a perfect fit for Portage.”

Portage Muskrat Farms will collect several thousand muskrats from nearby wetlands and introduce them to Crescent Lake in the spring.  Underwater muskrat housing will be built this winter and plans are to feed the muskrats and their young up to three times a day.

The farm predicts up to 100,000 people will tour Muskratville annually with a $10 million contribution to the local economy.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read a full explanation on how this story is satire and fiction.  This link is generally for those people who do not have much in the way of discernment and think everything they read on Facebook is real.  This story and website are not real, they are fictional.  Fictional means made up, make-believe.  Please read and share appropriately and responsibly.

Photo: USFWS Mountain – Prairie

Top 7 Portage Smells

Poll Identifies Top 7 Smells Of Portage

Portage la Prairie, MB –

CIPP-TV conducted a poll last week to find out what local smells Portagers identified as being the most Portage.  The results, although shocking and disturbing, will help with developing a long-term strategy on attracting new residents and business.  Five thousand people from all demographics were surveyed and a total of 30 odours were identified.  From this list, 8 smells were noted most frequently.

Here are the top smells in the nose of Portagers.

7.  Crescent Lake Algae Blooms – The picturesque, stagnant oxbow that is the pearl of Portage heats up with the summer temperatures and produces an incredible volume of algae and related sulphuric odour that greets path users for a good two months.

6.  Canola – While not completely unique to Portage the smell of canola in bloom from surrounding fields is a summer favourite.  So much so, an entrepreneur developed a scent to capture it that local women find irresistible (click here to read about canola perfume).

5.  Stubble Smoke – A fall odour that reminds Portagers of their rural roots, every fall harvest kicks in and farmers become overwhelmed with the need to burn excess straw.  This produces an aroma that is a favourite of locals, especially those suffering from asthma and COPD.

4.  Human Waste – While they wait for needed upgrades the sewage treatment plant floods the southern part of the city when the wind shifts from the south.  That means on warm nights the smell of effluent reminds Portage’s most prestigious neighbourhoods of grandma’s homemade soup.  There is a reason why soup rhymes with poop.  Visitors trying to avoid Portage by using the by-pass are bombed with the scent which might prove successful in having more travellers come through Portage rather than scooting around it.

3.  Linden Blossoms – Portage has a large urban forest and a good number of Linden trees that bloom each year.  The blossoms carry a citrus smell that reminds locals of laundry detergent and household cleaners.  This spring smell motivates many to do spring cleaning and wash their clothes.

2.  Downtown Garbage Bins – A night on the town going to dinner and a show isn’t complete without the need to stroll by a collection of garbage bins lining urban parking lots.  After enjoying tonight’s special, Portagers can waltz by the odour of yesterday’s dinner rotting in bins as they make their way to the theatre district for a show.

1. French Fries – Who doesn’t like fries?  Portagers know that if the wind turns to the west or northeast they are in for a treat as the odour of potatoes being deep-fried in canola oil wafts through town like a handsome stranger.  It’s amazing that a local poutine shop hasn’t set up shop and made millions with all the free marketing available.  If Portagers prefer, they can close their eyes and imagine the oil is frying mini-donuts or other deep fried treats.  Let’s not underestimate the draw this smell has on travellers as they go by.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the true nature of this story and website.  Spoiler Alert – it is satire and fictional.  What does that mean?  It is not real.  It is not news.  Please read, comment and share responsibly.

Photo:  bradleypjohnson – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bradleypjohnson/

New Speed Limit & Safety Rules Solve Crescent Lake Path Anarchy

Portage la Prairie, MB –

If speed kills, then people on the Crescent Lake path will live forever.

City Hall passed new laws to restrict the speed of all path users to no more than 15km/h and will use photo radar to enforce the new limit.

Citing numerous complaints and near misses, civic leaders took the needed measures to make Portage safe again.  All walkers, joggers, cyclists, skate boarders, rollerbladers and even paddlers will have to keep speeds at no more than half of the school zone speed limit.

“We successfully slowed the town down with the constant school zone speed limits,” spokesperson Leanne VanPelt said.  “Many Portagers like going 30km/h so much they drive around the whole Crescent that slow.  We now need the same kind of pace on the path.”

With a mixed-use, paved and divided trail used by a varied demographic including seniors and students rules were badly needed.

Complaints have come in regarding walkers and geese being frightened by cyclists and runners going way too fast along the path.  Cyclists have filed protests of people on foot and skate boarders not staying to the right.  The path scene was nearing anarchy.

“Portage is a peaceful place,” VanPelt said.  “We might not be fast but we can be slow.”

Hipster paddlers in kayaks and nature loving canoeists must also keep under the 15km/h limit so they don’t startle geese and people along the path.

To bolster safety along Crescent Lake the city will also require all users to wear helmets while on foot or wheels.

“Helmets will be best,” VanPelt explained.  “In case there is a collision pedestrians and riders will have their brains protected.  Paddlers will also have to wear helmets as there are many rocks near shore.”

With awareness of brain injuries on the rise and corresponding law suits the city wants itself and citizens covered.

Local police will be busy this week installing photo radar devices along the path that will snap pics of violators.  Authorities will then use face recognition software paired to social media accounts of Portagers to identify and fine violators.

“Fines will start at $300 for a speed infraction,” VanPelt said.  “It will double if the offender is caught not wearing a helmet.”

On top of police surveillance a local citizen group will set up lawn chairs along the path at various times to point finger and shake their heads at violators.

“Anyone going to fast or not wearing a helmet will feel guilt and shame when we see them,” Vern Skerwood said.  “We want to do everything we can to help slow Portage down.”

Path users will have until tomorrow to comply.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the stupidity of this story, fictional reality and satirical tone of the story and website and ancillary media devices and tools.   God save the Queen!

Photo: kishjar? – https://www.flickr.com/photos/kishjar/

Man Arrested For Breaking Path Rules – Answers “How Are You?” Honestly 

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A pleasant stroll along Crescent Lake turned ugly when Art Greene stopped to answer a question.

Generally people respond to the question “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” with a polite and acceptable response that is short if not dishonest.  Fine or great, are considered normal replies.

What Mr. Greene did was not normal or acceptable.  While Greene was walking east bound on the path a casual acquaintance walking west bound greeted him.

“I just asked him how he was,” Jake Boychuck said.  “I was being friendly.  I didn’t want a scene.”

Greene inexplicably stopped and proceeded to answer the question in great detail.

“He stood in the middle of the path and started to tell me all about his crappy health, nagging wife, disappointing kids and displeasure with his church.” Boychuck said.  “He kept going on and on telling me how he really was.  I was so uncomfortable.  I didn’t know what to do.”

The social etiquette slip up turned into a problem when another passer-by was greeted by Greene with a “how are you.”  The person responded by saying, “Fine.  How about you.”  Greene took the response as a cue to invite the person into his conversation with Boychuck creating a person-jam on the path preventing people from getting by and forcing them onto the grass.

Two rollerbladers and a cyclist came upon the scene and veered off into the grass stirring up the goose droppings and scaring the geese toward Greene, Boychuck and the other person on the path.

The geese hissed and charged the group but Greene encouraged the group to hold their ground.  The mob of geese and people stopped all traffic on the path and additional walkers arriving on the scene called 911.

The police arrived within minutes and after a short investigation arrested Greene for disobeying the path rules and being the cause of the disturbance.

A date for his trial is not yet set and he is banned from walking on the path until after his first court appearance.

Greene is known to police for previous path violations and as recently as 2016 he was arrested and charged for yelling at the geese and attempting to scare them away.

“Mr. Greene must learn to follow the rules of the path,” Officer Darling said.  “He also has to realize when people ask him how he is; they don’t want hear about his life.  No one really cares how he is they just want to use the path in peace.

Police remind path users to follow the important path rules as violation could result in charges.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the story and site being satire.  Please use and enjoy in moderation.  If at any point you feel nauseous, please look at the edge of your screen.

Photo: Lasse – https://www.flickr.com/photos/lasse/

Crescent Lake Path Woman in Bikini Top Has No Intentions of Swimming

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Only days before the Portage Ex a woman was seen strolling on the path next to Crescent Lake wearing shorts, flip-flops and a bikini top.  Several drivers on Crescent Road pulled over to see if the woman was going to swim in Crescent Lake to seek relief from recent high temperatures.

“There are a lot of leeches in that lake and she had a lot of exposed skin so I just wanted to see what would happen if she went in,” Portager Mikey Hunt said.

“We just pulled over to make sure she’d be okay if she went in the water,” Patrick Newman offered.  “If she wasn’t able to swim my friend Jimmy would have saved her.”  Jimmy Roberts is a certified lifeguard and was willing to lend a hand if the woman needed.  He refused to take his eyes off the woman long enough to give us a comment.

CIPP-TV Channel 116 camera crews asked the woman why she was next to a lake in a bikini top with no intentions of swimming.

“I just wanted to work on my tan,” she said.  “The Portage Ex is coming up and I wanted to be ready tan wise.”  The woman wouldn’t provide her full name but refers to herself as Meghan.

More on this story as it develops.

Disclaimer

Photo Credit: Brian Bilek : https://www.flickr.com/photos/khelvan/