Portage la Prairie City Hall bell sold to Taco Bell restuarant

City Of Portage Sells City Hall Bell To Bring Taco Bell To Town

Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts.
Excitement is growing amongst Taco Bell enthusiasts. Portager, Harry Enns, shows off his newly inked commemorative tattoo.

Portage la Prairie, MB – Portagers will soon have their bell rung by a Mexican, fast-food icon three times a day.

Along with opening a long-awaited franchise, Taco Bell will revive interest and excitement in our city’s historic bell.

Portage lost a special part of its character when the new, virtually silent version of the bell was installed.  For generations, the bell rang out several times a day, and could be heard in every corner of town but now it is a quiet hint to a glorious past.

Once open in a few short months, Taco Bell will crank up the volume and reclaim the bells original sound. The Mexican fast-food market leader will clang the old City Hall bell at noon, 6pm and 9pm each and every day.

“We looked at coming to Portage for years, but when we heard the city was willing to sell the bell we knew we had a great marketing tool,” Taco Bell spokesperson, Jeanette Akenja-Nearing said.

“The old City Hall bell has such a history in Portage.  People used to mark their day by its ringing.  Now they can do the same again and hopefully think of our restaurant.”

Local fans of Mexican cuisine are excited about the new eatery and the resurrected bell.  “Every time I hear the bell at noon and supper I can make a run for the border,” Portager, Joanna Hand said.  “Then when I hear the bell at 9 at night I’ll make a run for the bathroom.  It’ll be like my trips to Mexico.”

The taco chain was able to buy the bell for $10,000.00 from the City of Portage who will use the money to fix the waste water treatment facility.

Taco Bell plans on mounting and displaying the bell outside the front of the restaurant on a twenty-foot high bell tower.  Once the new location is completed, Taco Bell will be shooting a series of television commercials to be aired nationally featuring the old City Hall bell.

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  Click here to read the full disclaimer and other legal statements and explanations. Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

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Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie Must Chop Down Trees To Keep Its Name

Portage la Prairie, MB – The axe is about to fall on a big decision at City Hall.  The City of Portage la Prairie must choose between chopping down trees or having to drop the reference to “prairie” in its name.

The Canadian Council For The Enforcement Of Accurate Place Names, a fresh initiative of the government, has informed city council they are out of compliance and must take immediate action on the problem.  Failure to comply could result in stiff penalties including fines, removal from maps and being assigned a more accurate and boring place-name.

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In the good old days a prairie was a prairie.

“By definition, a prairie is a flat, treeless area,” said Wendy Bottom, Vice President of Enforcement for the CCEAP.  “We have a clear mandate to make sure place names are not misleading.  There are far too many trees here to be considered a prairie.”

While the CCEAP has no issue with the reference to Portage, it does take a hard-line on the city masquerading as a prairie.

“We understand and acknowledge people have been burdened and carrying stuff here for decades.  But it’s clear by the number of mature trees, this isn’t, and never has been a prairie,” explained Bottom.  “It’s bad enough to portray yourselves as a French town, but your improper anglicized pronunciation will leave no doubt you are not sophisticated enough to be French.”

City Hall will now have to choose between deforestation and a costly name change.  The best option seems to be to start cutting.

“We feel the city should start logging immediately and continue to approve developments that involve mass removal of trees.  That way, they can achieve compliance quicker,” offered Bottom.

Portagers seem split on the issue.  “I think we have to cut the trees down.  I don’t want to be called a Portager,” said Alex Walters.

“This is ridiculous,” said Mary Hendrix.  “Screw the prairie, I don’t want to lose the trees.  Who the hell wants to live on a prairie?”

“We have no preference other than compliance,” said Bottom.  “Place names must be accurate.  We are currently conducting an investigation in Gladstone to see if the rocks are happy or not.  Oakville will have to meet a quota of oak trees.  High Bluff will have to maintain a minimum height on it’s trees and Edwin will have to have at least two Edwins residing there if they hope to keep their name.”

The timing of the ruling compounds growing civic headaches for City Council as they also must struggle with what to do with the separatist enclave, KoKo Platz  The City of Portage la Prairie seems destined to be changed forever.  Sources claim optional names being considered include Portage, Farmville, Crescent Lake City, Terrier Town, The Brown Lagoon, Spudsville, Forage la Forest and Frymakingplace.

Photo Credit – City of Detroit

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read the full legal disclaimer and other important, albeit mundane legal statements.  Please be advised the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Interstellar aliens have no direct influence on our editorial decisions.  Some facts and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some events and characters may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  We believe children are our future and our greatest natural renewable resource next to methane gas from the sewage plant.

Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

7/11 Stores Will Divide Portage

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

City Hall is using a clever tool to divide Portage la Prairie in half and settle a generation’s old debate.  The home of the Slurpee will split the town in two after tonight’s special City Council meeting.

For years, Portagers have argued over what defines the east and west sides of the city.  While the city has enjoyed an easy and clear dividing line between north and south with the CN and CP rail lines splitting the superior North End from the noticeably lesser, South Side, the line between east and west has been fuzzy.

“In the past, some people have used Tupper Street as the line between east and west,” Mayor Sherman Moffat explained.  “Others have said Third street east or even Eighth Street west have been where the border between east and west should be.”

With no natural physical boundary to split the town into east and west, City Hall came up with a ground-breaking concept.

“We have two locations of a retail icon in town,” Moffat said.  “Everyone refers to them as the East Sev and West Sev so the solution was as obvious as buying a Slurpee.”

The town will be split geographically by a psychological determination.  All those who call the East End 7/11 their Sev will be from the East Side of Portage and all those who consider the West End 7/11 their Sev will be from the West Side of Portage.

“This will really help those in KoKo Platz and Mellenville separate themselves east versus west,” Moffat said.  “No one will have to argue anymore.  All they have to do is ask the person where they got their Slurpee and that will be it.”

The need to know whether you are from the east or west is a basic Canadian need.  Portage la Prairie’s innovative concept has caught the attention of federal political leaders.

“It’s quite fitting that a solution to west versus east comes from a town in the middle of the province in the centre of Canada,” MP Sherman Pounds said.  “To people from Ottawa, Manitoba is in the west, while to people in B.C., it’s clearly in the east.”

“This new idea could be applied to Canada by saying hey if you travel to Toronto the most you are from the east and if you travel to Vancouver the most you are from the west.”

Portage’s new bylaw is likely to be made official at tonight’s meeting.  Officials from 7/11 were not available for comment but when CIPP-TV polled local staff, they unanimously agreed with the plan.

Both 7/11 and Slurpee are registered trademarks and copyright of 7/11 Inc.

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Photo: Jake Spurlock https://www.flickr.com/photos/whyisjake/