Homely people are excited about new program to end homeliness in Portage la Prairie

Homeliness In Portage la Prairie To Be Eliminated By Local TV Station Initiative

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

CIPP – TV is looking to change the face of Portage la Prairie for the better.  The local TV station announced the launch of a new initiative to end homeliness once and for all in the Manitoba city.

“The message we’re sending out is we want to make Portage la Prairie beautiful again,” CIPP – TV station owner Ryan Coke announced.  “It’s time we took the problem of homeliness head on and get rid of it.”

“We want to make walking our streets enjoyable by putting the “fair” back into our city.”

The ‘Make Portage la Prairie Beautiful Again” initiative will take the expertise of the television station to battle homeliness everywhere in the city.

“As a television broadcaster we know how to make things look much better than they are,” Coke said.  “It is high time we leverage that to make the people of Portage easier to look at.”

“I’m glad CIPP –TV is stepping up to help us deal with homeliness in Portage,” Mayor Sherman Moffat said.  “I look forward to the day we can all walk the streets of Portage and not have to be witness to homeliness on our streets.”

The multi-pronged program will see Portagers trained in hair and make up techniques, fashion and poise by TV station employees so they can hit the streets to assist with make overs and general beauty education.

“There are a lot of Portagers who look terrible right now but with a bit of help and effort could be made to look half-decent with a good hair cut and some make up,” Coke explained.

At an event that took on the tone of a political rally, fuelling speculation station owner Ryan Coke is considering a run for Mayor the announcement drew cheers and rave reviews.

“I think this is just what the town needs,” Portager, Irma Chartrand said.  “There is no need for the amount of ugly people we see in Portage on a daily basis.  I think we could see an end to homeliness within a year.”

Coke admits that even with hair, make up and clothing help some Portagers may still end up being on the homely side.  He points to the fact that some may have to employ stylish veils, hats, and sunglasses to hide their ugliness. “If someone has decent eyes and hides behind a veil they become exotic and alluring,” Coke offered.  “But ultimately there are those Portagers that even that may not help.  For those who go through the program but remain unattractive we will work with their employers to have them work nights and away from the public eye.”

“The beautification of our citizenry is long over-due,” Moffat said.  “By putting an end of homeliness we will be able to attract more business and industries.  It’s not just the ugly people who will benefit.  We will all stand to win.”

Coke refused to say whether his new initiative had anything to do with his political aspirations but did comment on the upcoming civic election.

“I think it would make sense for a media baron like myself to run for office some day.  I already control the news and information so why not control the public purse too.”

Unnamed sources say Coke’s decision to run will depend on whether or not Billy Neepawa seeks the mayor’s chair.  Neepawa is seen as a potential populist favourite if he enters the race.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They are both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  These people don’t really exist so their names can’t appear on any ballot.  Or can they?  That is crazy.  Please don’t be tricked into contributing to one or several of these fictional character’s campaign funds.  If you do, you likely will contribute to the further addiction and delinquency of those asking.  The name Billy Neepawa is very silly.  This site is not associated directly or indirectly to Russia, its agents or Donald Trump and is not designed or intended to influence your voting in any election real or otherwise.  But then again would we tell you if we were?  In the upside down world this website might become real and you may be fictional – what then?  Make Portage la Prairie beautiful again!

Photo credit – Victorio Marasigan

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Soul gatherer in Portage la Prairie buys and sells souls

Underground Dealer Found With Over 500 Souls On Portage Property

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A secret, underground soul dealer operating in and around Portage la Prairie was found in possession of the spirits of over 500 people during a recent C.I.P.P.-TV Channel 116 investigation.

MBN News reported Portager, Aaron MacDonald, sold his soul online to a man known only as “Jerry”.  MacDonald was unable to locate the buyer of his soul after suffering from seller’s remorse and was forced to search for a replacement soul.

*Local Man Regrets Selling Soul Online

Investigative reporters dug into the matter to find countless stories of desperate Portagers who had parted with their souls for cash or other considerations.  Posing as willing buyers of these liquidated spirits, MBN News was able to locate a local man known as “Jerry” who has been buying souls for over a decade in the Portage la Prairie and MacGregor areas.

Our reporters met up with “Jerry” to make a purchase and found his downtown property warehousing at least 500 souls.  Although “Jerry” refused to provide his full name, he was willing to share knowledge of his inventory with our reporters.

“My basement and back shed is pretty much full of shoe boxes with a great selection of souls,” Jerry explained.  “For a young soul I generally ask for a thousand dollars.  For an older, damaged or worn out soul I can let them go for as little as a hundred.”

Jerry stores the souls in empty shoeboxes in his musty basement and oversized garden shed.  Surprisingly, the souls are invisible to the naked eye but all weigh differing amounts.

“You can tell how old the soul is generally by the weight,” Jerry said.  “The more damaged, broken and beat up the soul is the heavier.  Normally kid’s souls weigh less than half a pound but as life grinds you down the soul starts getting heavier.  Adults souls with a ton of baggage and hard miles can weigh up to ten pounds.”

The Portage soul gatherer admits the buying and selling of souls is not illegal but demanded anonymity to avoid public scorn for his unethical practises.

“A lot of people around Portage know what I do and they are okay with it, but there are a lot of other people who would look at me differently if they knew what I do in my spare time.”

According to Jerry, the souls will last indefinitely stored in simple cardboard shoeboxes but will lose a little bit of their original energy if left too long.  He employs a first in, first out practise when dealing his souls.

“I don’t like them sitting around too long before they get used.  Best to keep them fresh.”

While Jerry buys most of his souls locally, he has a policy not to re-sell any of the spirits to Portagers to avoid people recognizing their souls in neighbours, co-workers or family members.  Portage la Prairie and MacGregor are active soul gathering regions making the Central Plains a large net exporter of souls.

“Most people wouldn’t be surprised to hear I get a lot of souls from local politicians, executives and sales professionals,” Jerry shared.  “But we do get quite a few calls from pastors, musicians and factory workers, and that might shock a few people.”

Jerry points out that most people looking to liquidate their spiritual assets are not desperate economically challenged people but rather those who do not feel they need theirs anymore.  Interestingly, he does little advertising on the dark web for his souls, opting to post on local bulletin boards and online shopping groups.

“A lot of my customers prefer to get through life without the burden of a soul and the joy it can bring,” Jerry said.  “Many don’t enjoy the obligations having a soul requires like caring, loving and forgiving.”

The Portage area has a higher than normal rate of soullessness than the rest of Canada thanks in part to Jerry and his work.

“This is a silent boon to economic development,” Jerry said.  “I’ve probably bought and sold over five thousand Portagers’ souls in the last five years.  All that money is staying local.  I pay taxes and all this money will get circulated a minimum of seven times.”

Both City Hall and The Economic Development Office declined to comment on the business of soul selling but sources inside both institutions tell C.I.P.P.-TV say many members of those institutions are intimately aware of Jerry’s business model.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  No one is buying and selling souls.  That is crazy.  Do not try to trick your friends into giving you money for you soul after you send them a copy of this story.

Photo Credit – Iqbal Osman

Woman gets people to do things by posting signs

Portage Woman’s Miracle Signs Can Fix Crime & All Other Problems

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Julie Klassen used to spend her days nagging, reminding and threatening her family to do their homework, shower, tidy up and other household chores.  The Portage la Prairie grandmother had to remind neighbours not to walk on her lawn and co-workers to wash their hands and clean up after themselves until the miracle happened.

“I was at the rink and I saw a sign,” Klassen said.  “The sign said ‘please put garbage in trash cans’.  I looked around and didn’t see a single piece of trash anywhere.  I knew right then I had found the answer.”

Klassen thought if a simple sign could keep garbage off the floor of the rink it would likely work in her life, so she got to work.

“The first thing I did when I got home was make up signs for the bathroom.  I wrote ‘don’t pee on the seat’ and ‘wash your hands’ on some nice paper and put them up for my husband and I haven’t sat on a wet seat since,” Klassen shared.

The revelation lead her to go on a sign-making rampage.  “No Flyers” was hung by her mailbox.  “Turn lights off” adorns her switches and “Stay off the grass” keeps her lawn intact.

“Every time I see a problem I make and sign,” Klassen said.  “It works perfectly.  It is truly a miracle.”

Klassen’s workplace has never been neater and all deadlines are being kept with friendly reminders hanging in each office courtesy of Klassen.

After finding so much success at home and work, Klassen insists the City of Portage embrace the sign as a solution to town problems.

“If we want people to slow down let’s just put up a few signs telling them too.  If we want people to stop break and enters or robbing places let’s put up signs telling them that is a ‘no-no’,” Klassen offered.

“Signs are the answer,” Klassen added.  “I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t done exactly what my signs tell them.  They have so much power.”

Klassen claims her grandkids now brush their teeth, eat only healthy foods, go to bed early and get plenty of exercise because of the signs she posts.

“I wish I started using signs when my kids were little.  Parenting would have been so easy.  I don’t know why teachers don’t use more signs.”

Klassen thinks that sports organizations could avoid using referees altogether is effective signs were put up explaining the rules.  The same applies to what the city spends on law enforcement if laws were properly advertised.

“People really obey my signs,” Klassen said.  “Signs could pretty much make police officers unnecessary and save tons of money.”

After numerous presentations, Klassen has not hear back from the City of Portage on whether or not they want her help putting up signs.

“I’m sure they are checking out how good my signs are working before they get back to me.  If they don’t call soon I’ll put a sign on City Hall to remind them.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer (click here).  If you thought this story might not be real, you are correct.  It and the website are fictional and satirical, sometimes funny and completely ridiculous.  Please read share and enjoy responsibly.

Photo credit: David Drexler 

New Senior’s Park Featuring Complaint Booth & Competitive Gardening To End Migration To B.C.

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Head west no more, old man!  Portage is getting a novel park concept that will end the flux of retirees heading to British Columbia.

Senior themed parks are on the rise in Europe, where there are a lot of old people and little concern for the needs of youth, and the trend is hitting Portage.

“We had always planned on moving to Kelowna after we sold our business,” Bill Payette said.  “A lot of our friends milked this town for years then bailed.  But now that we are getting this park things are changing.”

Billed as a destination park for the entire Central Plains region, the senior’s park will draw tourists and those looking at making Portage their retirement home.

“This park experience will convince Portagers to stay home and draw more people here to live out their golden years,” park spokesperson Ida Henry said.  “It will be the best of its kind in the province.”

The new park offers several features designed just for seniors and will be open to only those 60 plus from 5am to 3pm daily.

Key design elements will include a complaint booth, complete with power-lift recliners, where visitors will be encouraged to complain about topics of their choice including the health care system, Justin Trudeau, their kids, neighbours and the general state of most things.

There will be hard candy dispensers, vending machines stocked with Rub-A535, Polident, black liquorice, adult diapers, and Metamucil.

Garden boxes will allow seniors to be put on teams to participate in competitive gardening in the summer months and the entire park will be closed in the winter.

Park employees will actively clean and care for the grounds with seniors present to allow for open criticism and correction.  Occasionally construction crews will be on site to entertain the men and give them something to talk about.

Charging stations for electric scooters will keep seniors on the move and save them money on electricity.  Two-bit coffee and ten-cent cookies will be available three times a day to help make visitors happy briefly.

Nurse practitioners are being hired to staff the park for two hours a day and all the grounds will be wheel chair accessible.

Naps will be a highlight of the park with napping stations located in all corners of the park along with TV lounges to keep seniors entertained.

Plans for future expansion include a denture cleaning station, toe-nail cutting services, a circular memory walk that will repeat stories for you, and a “temporary grandchild” program that will see local daycares farm out their kids as surrogate grand kids.

Estimated cost is $20 million and construction is scheduled in three weeks.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the wacky, fictional, satirical nature of this story and website.  

Photo: shira gal – https://www.flickr.com/photos/miss_pupik/

City Hall Bell Used In Hunger Games Inspired Game Show Shot At Island Park

Portage la Prairie, MB

Contestants are hoping the odds will ever be in their favour as they battle to the death to see who will win new kitchen appliances, luggage, airfare for two to Vancouver and $10,000 in cash.

The groundbreaking concept will not only be the first Canadian game show to involve participants putting their lives on the line to win fabulous prizes but it will the first in the world.

Inspired by the best-selling science fiction books and movies, The Hunger Games, Ultimate Eliminations brings the future to the present.

A local highlight will be the setting of Island Park acting as the stadium for the game and the use of the newly renovated City Hall bell as the signal when a contestant is eliminated.

The bell will replace the cannon from the novel and movies and add a Portage flair local officials are excited about.

“With the death element in this reality game show, Ultimate Elimination will put Portage on the map,” city spokesperson Kenny Books said.  “The City Hall bell has always reminded me of AC/DC’s Hell’s Bells so the tie-in to the game show should work great.”

The production is not without controversy with critics suggesting reality TV may have gone to far with the killing of contestants.  Fans of reality shows like Big Brother, The Apprentice and The Voice see the inclusion of death as an element of the show as something fresh, and are looking forward to it.

“This is the next step in the evolution of reality based game shows,” producer Ryan Coke said.  “Viewers are getting bored with the traditional contests and elimination of contestants.  Having people’s lives on the line should drive ratings back to levels we saw when the reality genre first launched.”

CIPP-TV and American networks are banking on the show being a ratings bonanza but giving it a prime time Sunday night slot.

“We’re hoping families will come together and watch,” Coke said.  “Most kills will happen off-screen but we won’t shy away from showing the bodies after, followed by a 45 second memorial tribute at the end of each show.”

Island Park will be shut down to the public for a one-month period starting next week and the City Hall bell will be ringing randomly as game show participants are killed off.

The winning player will be named an honorary citizen of Portage and be given a canoe and the key to the city.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the story not being real.  Its fiction, who would believe a game show, would be shot in Portage, c’mon.  The story and site are satire, fictional and complete nonsense created for the enjoyment of folks with a good sense of humour.  Chill fam.

Photo: Lucy Maude Ellis – https://www.flickr.com/photos/lucymaude/

Woman Gives Birth at Country Fest During Same Keith Urban Song Baby Was Conceived To

864175127_4098f1eb00_oDauphin, MB –

Nine months ago Ashley Meeches and John Michael MacLean were listening to Keith Urban’s “Somewhere in my car” while making love in the back of MacLean’s Ford Explorer.

Who knows if it was the sultry sound of Urban’s voice or the magic in the moonlight but Meeches became pregnant with a little boy.

Early in the new year, the couple bought tickets to Country Fest to see their favorite singer knowing Meeches first child was due around the same time.

“We were given July 7 as a due date,” Meeches said.  “I knew we’d be cutting it close by going this weekend. But I just had to see Keith in person.”

During Friday night’s Keith Urban show, Meeches’ water broke and she went into labour.  By the time Urban started performing “Somewhere in my car” the baby was crowning and before the last note of the song it was out in mom’s arms.

“There was no time to get her to the hospital or even get medics there,” John Michael MacLean said.  “I just reacted and caught the baby when it came out.  It was unreal.”

Most in the crowd were unaware of what was going on until paramedics arrived and carried new mom and baby out on a stretcher.  They are resting comfortably in Dauphin hospital.

To honour the strange coincidence the couple named the baby Keith Urban Meeches MacLean.

“I just love Keith Urban, he’s so sexy,” Meeches said.  “John Michael looks like a rural, Portage Keith Urban, that’s what attracted me to him.”

“Ashley always gets turned on and frisky when she sees or hears Keith Urban,” MacLean said.  “He’s coming out with a new album next year so I wouldn’t be surprised if we have another baby soon.”

Urban’s music has been linked to higher than average libido and fertility rates in woman who actively listen to his music but this is the first case where his voice has induced labour.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

Photo of Keith Urban: Snassek – https://www.flickr.com/photos/snassek/

Photo of couple with baby: Sellers Patton – https://www.flickr.com/photos/sellerspatton/

New TV Station Launches “Show Us Your PP” Contest

showupcippsign1Portage la Prairie, MB –

Show us you PP and win a trip for 2 to Las Vegas!  Starting July 1 all CIPP-TV Channel 116 viewers have to do is make a sign showing the world your support of Portage la Prairie’s newest television station.

Make a sign with the CIPP-TV call letters and show it to the world.  If we see it or share a photo of it live on MBN News@6 and MBN News@11, you’ll be entered for a chance to win the trip to Las Vegas.  The bigger and bolder your PP is the better your chance is of winning.

PP spotters will be roving around Portage la Prairie and southern Manitoba in unmarked white vans handing out instant prizes to everyone showing off their PP and entering viewers for the grand prize.

Winning has never been easier.  Just put your PP on display in your car, in your window, on your lawn, at work or wherever you hang out, if we see your PP you could be a big winner!

photo couple holding sign(modified): Takver: https://www.flickr.com/photos/takver/

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