Portage becomes a leader in political correctness by banning Halloween

Town Replaces Halloween With “Fall Celebration Of Political Correctness & Health”

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.

Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.

“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said.  “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader.  Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”

Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.

“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained.  “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes.  Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”

“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”

Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food.  In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.

“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered.  “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”

Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.

“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said.  “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy.  Kids will eat this stuff up.”

Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada.  They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.

“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said.  “It will put Portage on the map.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer, disclosure and several other important legal declarations.  We do not assume any responsibility for your inability to discern satire, humour and fiction from reality.  Please eat and drink responsibly.  Objects in your bathroom mirror may be larger than they appear, other objects may be smaller, depends on the mirror and angle of viewing.  Please do not throw your trash from vehicles doing over 60mph on the highway.  Reduce, reuse and recycle where facilities exist.  Where facilities do not exist just burn it.  Make love not war.  Eat lots of fibre.  Remember to drink your Ovaltine.  Sniff it before you put it on and always be thankful for what you have.

Photo Credit – Richard Dick Morgan

Study reveals why kids have tantrums. Parents need more help.

Study Reveals Why Kids Throw Tantrums & Leads To Demands For Government Help To Meet Children’s Every Whim

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Experts discovered the reason why a growing number of small children throw temper tantrums, have hissy fits and meltdowns, especially in public.  The shocking new study reveals the wild, annoying and loud behaviour works on most adults.

“Over the last twenty years we have seen an increase in reports of tantrum-like behaviors in children seven and under,” lead researcher Perry Percival said.  “We wanted to find out why tantrums and incessant whining was on the rise in North America.”

The study involved over ten thousand families from a wide demographic range and the findings were overwhelming.

“In over eighty-eight percent of the cases of tantrums and whining observed, the child was able to exert their own will or obtain the object of their desire,” Percival shared.  “Bottom line is children are increasingly adapting their behavior to get what they want.”

Tantrums are working leaving adults scrambling to stay ahead of the adaptive behavior.

“We had melt-downs every day after daycare,” study participant Joelle Swanson explained.  “Little Tyson would demand a trip to the store or ice cream shop and when I said no he would start screaming.  If I didn’t give in, he would start flailing in his car seat and throw things at me.  I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him.”

Swanson’s story is typical of what many parents and adults go through on a daily basis.  The demands of life, hunger to acquire more things and the need to earn more money to live an enhanced life-style is putting a strain on parents’ physical, emotional and psychological energy.

“The government needs to have a look at our findings,” Percival offered.  “With the problem being so wide-spread maybe we need to offer support systems to help parents meet the needs of their kids before things escalate into tantrums and hissy-fits.  Perhaps if parents were equipped with more time, money and resources it wouldn’t be such a big issue.”

The majority of the families in the study echo Percival’s call on the government.

“I think it is about time we got some level of help,” study participant Judy Wall said.  “It’s not 1980 anymore we can’t just say no to our kids.  It’s not good for anyone if things build and build so kids have freak-outs to get what they want.”

“Some kind of government program or assistance would be great,” parent Jerry Neudorf added.  “Giving us more money and time could help give us the energy we need to pander to our children’s whims 24/7.”

Percival warns that with such widespread tantrums becoming more the norm the impact on society could become catastrophic if something is not done soon.

“We could soon see an entire generations of people who have grown up whining and carrying-on have kids of their own,” Percival warned.  “This could lead to an exponential increase in the amount and effectiveness of the behaviour.”

The study is valid 19 times out of 20 and has a margin of error of less than 5% but lacks in any substantial merit or credibility.  Portage la Prairie has a higher than normal rate of whiny children with researchers pegging the tantrum rate at 98% in Portage children.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal disclosure.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature.  That means they are fictional and satirical.  Made up.  Funny.  We know that children are wonderful and not prone to negative behaviour.  We know that adults would never cave to children’s unrealistic demands unless they had a good reason to.  Our mamas didn’t raise no fools.  Wait, maybe they did.  We are stuck inside this imaginary TV station’s website and can’t get out.  Send money if you like.  We’ll likely buy fried chicken and beer with it but we’d appreciate it.  For a while, but after that we’d become increasingly more demanding as the feeling of entitlement overcomes us.  Long live the Empire of Portage la Prairie.  Vote for Billy Neepawa.

Photo Credit – Jared Smith

Children With Rare “Vampire” Gene Severely Injured By Eclipse  

Higginsville, MO – 

Today’s total solar eclipse resulted in tragedy for a Higginsville Missouri family of five when three sisters tried to peek at the solar eclipse.

Anastasia, Lavinia and Selina Nicolai heard about the pending eclipse on social media and decided it was a great opportunity to venture outside during the day.  All three sisters share the extremely rare “vampire” gene that prevents them from going out in the sun.

The sisters had the time off by only a few minutes and about ten per cent of the sun was still visible when the girls ran outside.

In a matter of seconds of the sun hitting their skin and eyes, the girls suffered catastrophic injuries.

“Their skin blistered right away and started to smoke before I could throw my cloak over them, “ Desdemona Nicolai said.  “They were blinded instantly.  Severn(the girls’ father) and I were badly burned trying to get the girls out of the sun.”

The Nicolais would like others with the “vampire” gene to be reminded about the dangers of the sun even during an eclipse.

“We told the girls to make sure the sun was completely blocked before they went out,” Nicolai said.  “They’ll recover but they are in a lot of pain right now.”

“I don’t know why they were in such a rush to see the eclipse,” Severn Nicolai said.  “I reminded them they’ll have like forever to view more solar eclipses.”

The Nicolai family moved to Higginsville Missouri about five years ago from Moldova and have been overwhelmed with support from friends and neighbours.

“They are a wonderful family,” Alexa Dawkins said.  “You won’t see them out during the day much but they really go all out at Halloween.”

Donations are being accepted at all local banks in Higginsville and a Gofundme page is also being set up.

All three children required blood transfusions despite not losing any during the incident and are scheduled for eye transplant surgery.  The apparent third degree burns healed almost immediately after the girls were brought inside.  Dates for the transplant surgery have been moved up, as the girls were a perfect match for old cadaver eyes.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  Please don’t share this if you think it is real because people will think you are dumb.

Photo: Elizabeth Albert – https://www.flickr.com/photos/elizabeth_albert/

City Bans Hockey & Most Sports To Protect Kids From Concussions

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

One small Canadian city is taking a big stand to protect its children from catastrophic brain injuries by replacing hockey with yoga.

Starting with hockey, Portage la Prairie is passing laws to have all contact sports, and all sports where accidental contact could occur, banned for those under 18 years old.

“Hockey is by far the most dangerous sport in the world for concussions,” Henrietta Walker said.  “Because of the speed, hardness of the ice boards and goal posts, even with no body checking ,the sport is a hot-bed for brain trauma.  It must be stopped.”

The move comes at the urging of Dr. Omalu the neuropathologist who originally coined the term Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy or CTE.  Omalu is the author of ‘Truth Doesn’t Have a Side’ and was the inspiration behind the movie ‘Concussion’.

“There is no justifiable reason whatsoever why a child under the age of 18 should continue to play these games,” Dr. Omalu said in a recent interview.

Omalu warns that children receiving repeated blows to the head can suffer degenerative brain disease, memory loss, depression, suicide and makes them more likely to die before 42.

Since the risk of concussion increases with speed and contact, all children under 18 are restricted from playing hockey and football starting immediately, along with all forms of cycling, but the preventative measures will go farther.

“Any sport where you have children running, jumping, chasing and hitting or throwing balls at one another makes them vulnerable to a head and brain injury,” city official Henrietta Walker said.  “By winter, we will have a ban in place for all sports.  Minor sports, school sports, they will all be gone by Christmas.  They are just too dangerous.”

The ban will have major implications for school physical education courses and the school division is scrambling to adapt the curriculum to restrict running, jumping, throwing and any activity that increases the risk of concussion.

“You have to ask yourself, do you love your children more than these sports?” Walker said.  “Today, Portage is taking a stand for the children by opposing these violent and dangerous sports.  It’s a proud moment.”

Basketball, volleyball, martial arts, soccer, lacrosse, tennis, baseball, softball, dodgeball, pickle ball, ultimate frisbee, curling, track and field, golf, and even badminton will be completely forbidden within the city limits.  The committee will evaluate other activities like canoeing, kayaking, in-line skating, figure skating to determine if they are safe enough or if they should be done away with as well.

“We can’t be too careful when it comes to protecting our children’s minds,” Walker said.  “Helmets on kids while they are awake is being studied in Sweden.  Once those results are in we might move in that direction as well.”

The school division is looking at introducing various yoga and tai chi programs to help fill the void left by the sports.  Educators are hopeful a form of virtual reality adapted sports will be available soon for Phys. Ed. Programs.

“Dancing might be safe enough,” Walker added.  “As long as it wasn’t too vigorous and there is enough distance between participants so that contact won’t occur.  Pairs dancing would require a helmet because of the increased tripping hazard.”

Stationary exercise equipment is being purchased but will have added safety features like padding, safety harnesses and, of course, helmets.

Watch “Get The Puck Out” on CIPP-TV Channel 116 for more information as it is avaiable.

Notice to readers/disclaimers – click here to read more about this story and entire website being satire and fiction.  Please consume and share responsibly.  Work hard.   Play safe.  Wear a condom.  Strap on a helmet.

Photo:  Mike Mauno – https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/

Trees With Naughty Knots To Be Covered

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Nature is a little to naughty, according to a group of concerned Portage parents.  Children walking to and from school are being exposed to formations on trees in the shape of female and male genitalia.

The over-sexualized trees are the target of the group of mothers led by Tara Bellamy.  “We asked the city to cut down the offensive trees,” Bellamy said.  “They won’t so, now we are asking the offensive parts to be covered.”

Recently, several social media posts had to be deleted because they included smart-phone photos of tree knots that were tagged with teachers names – implying the knots where images of the educator’s private parts.

Censoring mother nature wont be easy.  Options to hide the phallic parts of the trees while keeping a natural look are limited.  Tree pants were considered but the implementation of the plan proved too expensive.

“We will be looking at a grass skirt type of covering on most trees in question,” city operations spokesperson Brian Siemens said.  “We know the vagina-like knots and penis shaped branches in the trees are distracting the kids and embarrassing the parents but our attempts to hide them may draw more attention to them.”

How to secure the skirts so they don’t lift in the wind is the biggest problem.  City engineers are working on solutions but the windy climate poses a substantial challenge.  A solution will be in place before the school year begins in September.

Bellamy hopes to have this issue dealt with so she and her group can go back to tackling the ongoing problem of kids drawing penis shapes on dirty vehicles and in fresh snow.  To solve that problem she is putting together a petition to have curfews in place during snow events and mandatory car washing.

We will have further developments on this story as they become available.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the satirical reality of this fictional story and website.  Please read with caution.