Digital trauma while using cell phones and electronic devices can cause sever nosebleeds

Digital Trauma Leading Cause Of Nose Bleeds In Teens and Millennials Says Health Study

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Emergency rooms and doctors are experiencing a spike in the number of nosebleed cases caused by cell phone use combined with digital trauma.

A recent health study found that excessive scrolling on social media causes teens and millennials to probe orifices mindlessly, primarily the nose, with their fingers.

“We are treating increased number of young people for nose bleeds resulting from digital trauma,” survey author Frank Middleton explained.  “While on electronic devices they are inserting one or several fingers into their nose to remove mucus.  Noses weren’t built for that type of penetration so the lining is being torn and begins to bleed.”

Hungry for the salty and sticky delight of snot, millennials appear to prefer the taste of their own mucus while viewing social media posts.  

“There seems to be something about looking at these electronic devices that causes them to pick their noses and eat the snot,” Middleton said.  “We’ve seen repeat visits to E.R.’s for bleeds that are prolonged and for resulting infections.”

Digital trauma happens when fingers are inserted into orifices to the point of injury.  The nose is particularly prone to injury due to accessibility.

“Generally the nose is the main point of treatment.  In some circumstances we have seen digital trauma to other orifices but the cases are rare due to fact they are not as easy to access.”

Health officials warn smart phone users to be mindful of what their free hand and fingers are doing while they scroll and suggest parents warn their children when they see fingers being inserted into nostrils.

“Snot can be a tasty treat but digital trauma has serious long-term health implications,” Middleton said.  “It can cause the permanent expansion of the nostrils and rhino structure the can require plastic surgery to correct.”

“If you do have to remove mucus from your nose please use your pinky finger and only wipe the snot from the edge of the nose.  Never at any point, insert a finger into your nose past the first knuckle.  Instead, blow the snot down with a large breath exhaled through the nostrils.  Most of the time this will bring the mucus to the top lip where it can be easily licked up and enjoyed.”

Health studies, as the one above, are accurate 19 times out of 20 and referred by 4 out of 5 doctors.  This is like the 20th time and the 5th doctor.

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Photo Credit – Eli Christman

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Drake’s Hit Song “Hotline Bling” Proves He’s A Fraud & Not Culturally Relevant

Toronto, ON – 

We’ve all said it or sang it, even if we didn’t know where it was from.  “You used to call me on my cell phone”, has been part of our lives since Drake droned it out in 2015, but we are now realizing how unhip and out of touch the song is.

“Often culture gets caught up in the hype and misses the truth,” Professor of Modern Anthropology Antonio Robeiro said.  “With this song, no one stopped to think it through.  If I would have  said that line my students would have rolled their eyes.”

The self-proclaimed, hippest man in Canada, failed to realize people under 30 do not use their phones to call anyone.  Millennials, certainly the cool ones, would never use their cell phone as a phone.

“Youth culture, especially those listening to rap and hip hop, don’t associate the smart phone with phone calls,” Robeiro said.  “They are communication devices but not something you talk to another human with.

Drake would have been more true to the culture he’s trying to reflect if he would have said, “You used to text me, You used to FaceTime me, You used to Snapchat me, You used to Insta me, and even You used to tweet me, although fewer millennials are doing that, would have been more relevant and relatable.

“I don’t think we should be too hard on Drake,” Robeiro offered.  “He’s just a good Canadian kid who started at the bottom.  It’s not possible for everyone to get it right all the time.  He made a mistake, hopefully he’ll learn from it.”

While Robeiro is able to be gracious, it will be interesting to see how fans around the planet react after they realize the unfortunate error.

It has been reported dozens of fans in Newfoundland and Manitoba have gathered to burn Drake clothing and concert memorabilia.  Fortunately for Drake, neither of these provinces are home to more than a hundred fans total.

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Photo: Amber – https://www.flickr.com/photos/bandfan/