Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

WINNIPEG –

Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season.

Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite fans and family leading to a full shunning.

“Patty was deeply hurt by the decision of his Mennonite fans and family to shun him for shaving his beard,” Kimmo said.  “He still loves New Year’s cookies, sunflower seeds and playing crokinole and doesn’t understand why they are making such a big deal over the beard.”

Mennonites from Southern Manitoba are outraged at Laine’s decision to forgo the beard this season and opted to apply one of the harshest forms of discipline they have.

“Shunning is our traditional way of trying to bring one of our wayward sheep back to the fold,” Peter Wiebe, an expert on Mennonite culture explained.  “Patrik’s beard loss hurt our community deeply after we had embraced him so lovingly last year.  He became one of us, we saw him as family.  We hope he responds to this discipline by re-growing his beard and embracing his inner Mennonite.”

Laine refused to comment directly on the impact of the shunning but did say he was struggling to find his game this year and external factors (read shunning) are contributing to his struggles.

The Winnipeg Jets and NHL have noticed a dramatic decrease in ticket sales, television ratings and social media engagement from Mennonite fans worldwide they attribute to the decision to shun Laine.

“Either Patrik will have to start playing better soon or he might be forced to grow the beard back,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He might have to score 50 goals to win back the Mennonites but if he grew the beard back he could score 5 goals all year and they’ll be happy.”

Kimmo pointed to how much support the cement handed Ray Neufeld received from Mennonite fans despite being an under-achiever on the score sheet for the first version of the Winnipeg Jets.

“Mennonite people are very loving and forgiving people,” Wiebe said.  “We just don’t tolerate disregard to our culture and preferences.  Hopefully Patrik will learn his lesson and come back to the fold with a full beard.”

So far, the hockey star from Tampere Finland has maintained the loss of his beard has nothing to do with his lack of production but he has been notably less joyful since his shunning began.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more than you may want to about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so do not get all upset and thinkin’ it’s real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded, odd friends.  Do not trick other people into believing this is real.  Have fun, stay young, drink Papsi.  Don’t take offense to our making fun of Mennonites.  We are allowed to do that because key members of the staff are part of that gene pool.  We can’t make fun of other races or people groups as easily, although we may take a run at it from time to time.  Call your mom. Adopt a rescue cat.  Look at the trees and wash your hands after you wipe your bum.

 

Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

Trudeau To Celebrate Marijuana Legalization By Taking A Rip From St. Claude’s Giant Pipe Oct. 17

St. Claude, MB –

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is kicking off the legalization of marijuana in a big way.

Trudeau is opting to celebrate in St. Claude Manitoba rather than Ottawa with a special afternoon ceremony at 4:20pm local time.

“There is no more fitting place to mark this historic moment,” Prime Minister Trudeau said,  “We have a bi-lingual town in the middle of Canada that has honoured its ties with France by creating the world’s largest smokable pipe.  This will be the most Canadian way to kick off the legalization of marijuana.”

Local planners buoyed by the influx of funding are planning a day long festival featuring fireworks and concerts.  A diverse line-up of artist will include Bob Dylan, Snoop Dog, Eric Church, Lady Gaga, Lil Wayne, Willie Nelson, Drake and many more.  Special M.C.’s will be Cheech and Chong and a full roster of comedian is coming soon.

“We are thrilled to be the location for this event,” organizer Serge Demers said.  “We had people smoke weed in our big pipe before but never legally and never anyone this famous.”

Trudeau is slated to take the first rip at exactly 4:20pm followed immediately by a CF-18 fly by.  The pipe will be kept lit for up to three hours to allow attenders a chance to sample the new government issue weed free of charge.  A great selection of food trucks and concessions will be on-site all evening.

St. Claude hopes to make the event an annual one.  “Around here we are calling it the 420 on the 240,” Demers explained.  “I think we can move the weed celebration from April 20 to October 17 with the new laws in place.”

“I invite all Canadians to join us in person, on television or through the internet as we celebrate the coming of age of our nation,” Trudeau said in a statement.

More musical and comedy acts will be added to the festival as the date gets closer.

Stay tuned to CIPP-TV and check out the website CIPPTVPortagelaPrairie.com for more details.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is a fictional story and a fictional website.  We don’t pretend to be real.  We are not fake news or fake crap.  We are imaginary, like most of our friends.  Click here to read more about this.   

Photo: Alex Guibord – https://www.flickr.com/photos/alexguibord/

First Canadian bank to pay those in debt and punish savers by charging them.

Portage Bank First In Canada To Pay Those In Debt & Charge People For Saving

Portage la Prairie, MB  – A new financial institution is setting up shop promising to reward people who owe money and charge those with money  in the bank.

The newly formed, Financial Union of Portage will launch later this month with plans to be a market leader in Canada by brining consumers negative interest rates.  Already in use in countries like Sweden and Switzerland and hinted at by The Bank of Canada, negative interest rates look to revolutionize the financial industry and F.U. Portage wants to be at the leading edge.

“More and more Canadians are growing their debt,” F.U. Portage President, Ella Fino said.  “We think we have a product that will be very attractive to most people.”

Offering negative interest rates, the new institution will allow those in debt to get a needed break.

“We think we have a solution to the cycle of debt,” Fino said.  “We want to turn the lending system on its head.  Now those in debt will see a payment each month for the moneys they owe.  Instead of owing more they will actually owe less.”

Rewarding those putting money back into the economy is the aim of the negative interest initiative.  Costumers will get paid up to 1.5% on the money they borrow while other customers will pay 1.5% to keep their money in the bank.

“The economy has stalled and this will help.  People will now be able to get further ahead by going further into debt.  Portagers will be the first to be able to buy a bigger home, nicer car or go on lavish vacations and not worry about how they will pay it back.  The more debt they pile up the more money they’ll get paid,” Fino said.

“Those who already have a lot of money saved up will be the ones getting charged 1.5%.  It makes way more sense to have those who can afford to pay interest pay it.  It’s time to reward the spenders because they are the drivers to the economy.”

Portage la Prairie will be the first community in Canada to experiment with the new negative interest rate idea that has caught on in some European countries.  “Portage was seen as the perfect place to start since it loves to entertain all manner of possibilities.  That and most of its citizens are up to their eyeballs in debt,” Fino offered.

F. U. Portage is hoping to get final government support in the coming days and will be opening its doors in the Portage la Prairie Mall shortly after.  With the Canadian government looking favourably at negative interest rates as a way to stimulate the economy, F.U. Portage  is confident it will clear all regulatory hurdles quickly.

“Once we are ready to go, F.U. Portage could become the next big bank in Canada within 10 years.”

Photo Credit – Ryan Forsythe

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

Canada sends Mennonite people packing.

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB –

A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century.

“We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America when we started looking at the whole Menno-thing,” federal government spokesperson Elvira Gauthier said.  “Modern Canada might not be the best fit for Mennonites.  We think it is best they leave.”

Originally, Mennonites were allowed and invited to come to Canada to escape revolutions in Russia and the U.S.A.  At first, it was a win-win situation with Canada needing settlers and farmers and Mennonites needing a sanctuary to avoid persecution and military participation.  Today it is seen as an uncomfortable arrangement.

“Things have settled down in Russia lately so we don’t see any reason why they can’t go back,” Gauthier said.  “As a government we are growing weary of their aversion to military duty.  It was a pain during both world wars and, if we end up having to get into it with the U.S.A. at some point, we can’t have a huge group opting out again.”

The plan is for all Mennonites originating from Russia, Mexico and South America to start returning home by the end of the year.  Mennonites who came to Canada from the United States during the American Revolution will not be deported as it has been deemed unsafe to return.  Once political stability returns to the U.S.A. the green light will be given to them to go back.

Members of Parliament who are Mennonite will also be required to leave, including Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader, Murphy Braun.  Braun’s maiden name is Klippenstein, a family coming from Prussia in the late 1800’s.

“I think it is good for Canada,” Portager Pat Perkins said.  “I don’t mind the Mennonites.  They did a lot of good, but times up I guess.”

An abundance of agricultural land in Southern Ontario and across the prairies along with valuable real estate in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia will be repatriated during the upcoming migration.

“We took a lot of land from First Nations during the homesteading program of the late 1800’s and early 1900’s and gave it to immigrants like the Mennonites,” Gauthier explained.  “With them gone we can settle most of the outstanding land claims and get the First Nations off our backs.  This will be really good for Canada.

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites have become successful farmers, entrepreneurs and some have even become political leaders and musicians.

“The original intent of the government was to have them stay on reserves and remain marginalized and isolated,” Gauthier reasoned.  “We didn’t expect them to go beyond the original Mennonite reserves and start dominating the culture and society in many jurisdictions.  They are an enterprising group for sure.  I’m sure they will be just as successful back in Russia and South America.”

Leaders from Russia, Mexico, Bolivia, Belize, and Paraguay have all signed agreements to welcome their Mennonites back.

C.I.P.P.-TV did not include interviews from any actual Mennonites because they were upset and negative and our mandate as a station is to provide a positive reflection of our community.

“The government will be happy to get rid of Mennonite representatives like Portage la Prairie’s Supreme Political Leader Murphy Braun because they share a strange right-wing, pseudo-religious perspective that is sympathetic to the American Regime,” Gauthier said.  “It’s odd, they are pacifists but support gun ownership, are pro-Israel and are comfortable with America’s military agenda.”

Since arriving in Canada, Mennonites en masse have moved from a secluded religious existence to a more toned down secular life-style while maintaining an awkward spiritual aloofness and moral superiority.  This has made them more widely accepted by Canadian society without being fully integrated.

“Mennonites are part of Canada’s rich cultural history and we wish them the best in their new-old home,” Gauthier said.  “Those countries, fortunate enough to welcome them back, will come to enjoy their odd but hard-working and enterprising ways.”

Canada will miss Mennonite expertise in running thrift stores and making quilts but the elimination of their contributions to the countries culinary landscape will be welcomed.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional and satirical reality of this story and website.  There is also more legal ramblings to savour.  Fictional means made up, not real.  Satirical means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” Mennonites are not being deported, well not all of them, yet.  Some might be but it is unlikely but we digress.  This website is completely fictional and satirical so do not share this on social media thinking you’ve found proof of a conspiracy against Mennonites.  This website means no harm and wishes no ill on Mennonites, Hutterites, The Amish or any other religious and ethnic group.  We reserve the right to make fun of Mennonites because some the writers of this site may in fact, be Mennonite.  Obviously, we are not good Mennonites but that is not being offered up for debate.  Debating is not for Mennonites, we simply preach, judge and move on.  See, a judgy comment to prove our point.  Oba Yo!

Photo credit – Ted Eytan

Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling set up in Ottawa

Canadian Government Sets Up Ministry of Tickling, Touching & Fondling

OTTAWA, ON –

Canada’s government unanimously approved the creation of a new Federal Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling in an effort to find a positive solution to ongoing revelations of inappropriate and unwanted sexual comments and actions.

The new government department hopes to turn a negative into a positive by taking those convicted of unwanted sexual advances like touching, leering and groping and pairing them with people looking for those types of interactions.

“Our society and peoplekind in general, individuals are increasingly isolated by our electronic age,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said.  “At the same time, we have a movement that is exposing sexual predators so we have a perfect storm to capitalize on.  The Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling will take the small portion of Canadians who enjoy engaging inappropriately and match them with those who wish to be touched in this way.”

“So instead of using the judicial system to regulate this problem we will create a positive outlet for these urges, all the while helping those who are lonely and interested in any kind of physical attention they can find,” Trudeau added.

The new ministry will arrange tickle parties and other mingling events across the country to pair those wanting to touch with those longing for touch.

Canadians can self-register if they are interested in various, of what the majority of Canadians deem inappropriate, forms of touching and be connected with those who will be registered as ticklers, touchers, gropers and fondlers.  The database will then match on preference and federally appointed sexual social workers will arrange in-person visits.

“Canada will be a leader in the management of sexual misconduct and allow offenders a modern, positvie and productive way to participate fully in our culture,” Trudeau explained.  “We will embrace the notion of non-punitive restoration by giving predators willing partners and helping the loneliest of our population find a way to connect physically and sexually.”

Critics are quick to point out this might attract sexual predators from other countries with some wanting to immigrate.  Trudeau was quick to point out that if someone is legitimately being persecuted for being a sexual predator they may be given refugee status and placed in the registry.

“Most of the high-profile cases we are seeing south of the border and people like Harvey Weinstein and others would not qualify for refugee status,” Trudeau promised.  “We wouldn’t accept Donald Trump either, unless things get real ugly for him down there and he has no other option.”

The Liberal cabinet is considering promoting a Manitoba Member of Parliament to the newly formed cabinet positition but the final decision will come down next week.

The province of Quebec has already said it will not take part of the federal program and setup its own provincial department, tentatively dubbed the Quebec Ministry of French Ticklers.  Ottawa will fully fund the Quebec initiative and place no expectations or accountability on their provincial counterparts.

First Nations across Canada will not be eligible in the federal program, as the government does not feel there is the same level of problem in First Nations as the rest of the country.

“We will tackle the problem of sexual harassment and misconduct head on in our own truly Canadian way and show the world a better way,” Trudeau said somewhat unconvincingly.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and explanation of the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website along with links to some amazing legal mombo jumbo.  Canada is real and Justin Trudeau is real but the story is completely made up and fanciful and full of delight.  We are trying to be funny.  Maybe not funny ha ha, but perhaps funny weird.  Please do not share this with your friends on social media if you are trying to trick them into thinking this is real.  Please do share abundantly if you think it is funny and enjoyed the humour.  CIPP-TV is a fictional television station that exists as a satirical website so please do not tune into Channel 116 looking for us.  Thoughts and prayers.

Photo Credit – Frederick Dennestedt

Curling is now officially the whitest sport in the world

Curling Surpasses Hockey To Become Whitest Sport In The World

WINNIPEG, MB –

The Curling Collective of Canada is celebrating a major victory with the announcement their sport has surpassed hockey for the first time to become the whitest sport on the planet.

For decades, curling was as white as winter but it finally took the moderate colorization of hockey to allow it to take top spot on the list.

“The roots of curling are in some of the palest and blandest places on the planet making it more than white, I would almost describe it as putrid,” Canadian Curling Collective President Barb McAvoy said.  “It started in Scotland and is now primarily played in Northern Europe, the Canadian Prairies and rural parts of Canada’s East Coast.  I doubt you can get much whiter than that.”

Despite making inroads in Japan, China and Korea the vast majority of participants and fans remain overwhelmingly white.  Curling fans still generally fawn over, and make a big deal about, teams from East Asia and quite often will cheer for them to win.

“For sure our fans still see Asian teams as a bit of a novelty, but that will change when they start beating the teams from traditional white regions,” McAvoy said.  “It’s just a matter of time before Asian teams start dominating the sport because in countries like Japan, China and Korea they are taking to curling like white on rice.”

The CCC is unsure why curling is so popular with white people, although they appreciate the uniqueness of their crowds at live events.  “We like to call a full house a “blizzard” because they are so white and full of energy,” McAvoy shared.

Rounding out this year’s list was hockey at number two, followed by speed skating, cross-country skiing, cycling, bowling, figure skating and down-hill skiing.  Long-time list makers, tennis and golf, were both dropped from this years list.

McAvoy feels that curling should remain at or near the top for a long-time since the sport is years away from having African, South American or Middle-Eastern representation in any significant numbers.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the whole low down and further legal information on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  Curling is real, it is pretty white but there is no real list of whitest sports.  That is crazy and obviously made up.  Curling is made of up fine and tolerant people who just happen to be mostly white.  Curling is a winter sport and generally, the only people dumb enough to live in those harsh environments are white.  This website and fictional television station are not racist against white or any other people group nor are we opposed to curling specifically or in general.

Photo Credit – Derek Hatfield