canada

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Blames Slow Start On Beard Loss & Mennonite Shunning

Mennonite shunning affects Patrik Laine's scoring

WINNIPEG – Last year, Winnipeg Jets sniper, Patrik Laine rocked the full Menno beard and filled the net across the NHL but has faced a sluggish start since shaving in the off-season. Laine’s cousin, Kimmo Laine told CIPP – TV in an email statement the loss of Patrik’s beard has caused a riff with his Mennonite [...]

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE – Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor. The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor. After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and [...]

Trudeau To Celebrate Marijuana Legalization By Taking A Rip From St. Claude’s Giant Pipe Oct. 17

St. Claude, MB – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is kicking off the legalization of marijuana in a big way. Trudeau is opting to celebrate in St. Claude Manitoba rather than Ottawa with a special afternoon ceremony at 4:20pm local time. “There is no more fitting place to mark this historic moment,” Prime Minister [...]

Portage Bank First In Canada To Pay Those In Debt & Charge People For Saving

First Canadian bank to pay those in debt and punish savers by charging them.

Portage la Prairie, MB – A new financial institution is setting up shop promising to reward people who owe money and charge those with money in the bank. The newly formed, Financial Union of Portage will launch later this month with plans to be a market leader in Canada by brining consumers negative interest [...]

Canada Sending Mennonites Packing – Manitoba Political Leader Part Of Upcoming Exodus

WINNIPEG, MB – A recent federal government probe into the citizenship status of hundreds of second generation Mennonites lead Ottawa to revoke its original invitation to all Mennonite people dating as far back as the 18th century. “We were looking at the whole citizenship issue of Mennonites from South America [...]

Canadian Government Sets Up Ministry of Tickling, Touching & Fondling

Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling set up in Ottawa

OTTAWA, ON – Canada’s government unanimously approved the creation of a new Federal Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling in an effort to find a positive solution to ongoing revelations of inappropriate and unwanted sexual comments and actions. The new government department hopes to turn a negative into a [...]

Curling Surpasses Hockey To Become Whitest Sport In The World

Curling is now officially the whitest sport in the world

WINNIPEG, MB – The Curling Collective of Canada is celebrating a major victory with the announcement their sport has surpassed hockey for the first time to become the whitest sport on the planet. For decades, curling was as white as winter but it finally took the moderate colorization of hockey to allow it to take [...]

Assimilation Advocate Convinces Ottawa Immigrants Should Adopt Local Culture – All Canadians To Become Indigenous By 2021

Canadians to assimilate to corresponding First Nation in their area.

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – A local assimilation advocate has successfully lobbied the federal government to ensure all immigrants to Canada adopt local cultures and values. The assimilation will not be limited to newcomers and recent citizens but include all immigrants retroactively. “A lot of Canadians [...]

Trudeau Announces Portage MDC To Become Canada’s First Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre

Portage to host Canada's National Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the Federal Government have allocated funding for the creation of Canada’s first National Terrorist Rehabilitation Centre to be set up in Portage la Prairie. “Portage la Prairie has a rich and glorious history in rehabilitation and human warehousing [...]

Trudeau Announces Support & Severance Plan For Local Weed Dealers

Pot dealers can opt for severance or transitional support

OTTAWA, ON – Low level drug dealers feeling the squeeze from the upcoming legalization of cannabis received some welcome news from the federal government. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the government’s plan to help all dealers affected by the July 1, 2018 changes with a severance package to those [...]

CIPPTV Channel 116

Portage la Prairie's Fictional Satire Station