First Canadian bank to pay those in debt and punish savers by charging them.

Portage Bank First In Canada To Pay Those In Debt & Charge People For Saving

Portage la Prairie, MB  – A new financial institution is setting up shop promising to reward people who owe money and charge those with money  in the bank.

The newly formed, Financial Union of Portage will launch later this month with plans to be a market leader in Canada by brining consumers negative interest rates.  Already in use in countries like Sweden and Switzerland and hinted at by The Bank of Canada, negative interest rates look to revolutionize the financial industry and F.U. Portage wants to be at the leading edge.

“More and more Canadians are growing their debt,” F.U. Portage President, Ella Fino said.  “We think we have a product that will be very attractive to most people.”

Offering negative interest rates, the new institution will allow those in debt to get a needed break.

“We think we have a solution to the cycle of debt,” Fino said.  “We want to turn the lending system on its head.  Now those in debt will see a payment each month for the moneys they owe.  Instead of owing more they will actually owe less.”

Rewarding those putting money back into the economy is the aim of the negative interest initiative.  Costumers will get paid up to 1.5% on the money they borrow while other customers will pay 1.5% to keep their money in the bank.

“The economy has stalled and this will help.  People will now be able to get further ahead by going further into debt.  Portagers will be the first to be able to buy a bigger home, nicer car or go on lavish vacations and not worry about how they will pay it back.  The more debt they pile up the more money they’ll get paid,” Fino said.

“Those who already have a lot of money saved up will be the ones getting charged 1.5%.  It makes way more sense to have those who can afford to pay interest pay it.  It’s time to reward the spenders because they are the drivers to the economy.”

Portage la Prairie will be the first community in Canada to experiment with the new negative interest rate idea that has caught on in some European countries.  “Portage was seen as the perfect place to start since it loves to entertain all manner of possibilities.  That and most of its citizens are up to their eyeballs in debt,” Fino offered.

F. U. Portage is hoping to get final government support in the coming days and will be opening its doors in the Portage la Prairie Mall shortly after.  With the Canadian government looking favourably at negative interest rates as a way to stimulate the economy, F.U. Portage  is confident it will clear all regulatory hurdles quickly.

“Once we are ready to go, F.U. Portage could become the next big bank in Canada within 10 years.”

Photo Credit – Ryan Forsythe

Notice to readers:  Click here to read the full disclaimer.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of childish humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like cats and dogs.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.  Stop picking at it.  If it bleeds it leads.

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New soup factory for Portage la Prairie

New Soup Factory Being Built In Portage la Prairie

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB

Unconfirmed sources have provided unsubstantiated reports that a new food processor has set up shop in Portage la Prairie.

Fictional figures, with close ties to the imaginary project, claim a new soup factory is being built and tested on the south edge of the city.

“When driving by Portage on the south by-pass we noticed a familiar odour,” explained Frank, an imaginary tourist from California.  “We thought a local restaurant was making soup so we took the Southport exit into town looking to get a bowl.”

IMG_1405The fictional soup plant has been cooking up the comfort food and shipping it out in tanker trucks accounting for the familiar odour wafting from the south part of the city on warm summer nights.  It has been attracting passers-by and making Portage la Prairians hungry.

“It’s a great idea.  Having a soup factory next to the highway and sub-division.  It will really attract people to come into town.  If the aroma of fries doesn’t get you first the odour of soup will seal the deal,” said imaginary Portage resident Phil.

Although there has been no official word or reports from local, credible, media outlets the sight of tanker trucks leaving the facility and the large holding tanks do indicate something is being produced at the location. The large flame, easily seen at night, may also indicate a new line of BBQ soup flavours are in development.

Portage has a proud history of soup production and could once again become a hub for soup production.  “I remember living in the north end in the 80’s.  They’d be cooking onion soup and we could smell it everywhere.  It was great.  I still eat a lot of soup,” recalls Phil.

The Portage area lost its soup factory in the 90’s so the new processor is a welcome, albeit fictional, addition to the local economy.IMG_1406

“We are looking into attracting further soup development by changing the city slogan,” said an imaginary local official.  “City of possibilities could be scrapped for, “Is somebody making soup?” if that’s what it takes to attract business.”

Officials from the non-existent plant are quick to warn local officials about getting too involved in their business.  “Too many cooks can spoil the soup,” they said.

Regardless, the aroma therapy from their plant alone out-weighs any negatives associated with the project.  Progress is possible in the city of possibilities that is proud of its past and primed for the future.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is a fictional story and a fictional website.  We don’t pretend to be real.  We are not fake news or fake crap.  We are imaginary, like most of our friends.  Click here to read more about this.  No one really knows why this website exists or if anyone thinks this is the least bit funny or entertaining.  The mental health of the creators of this site may be in question.  Vegetables and brown beans forever!

 

Photo credit of feature image – Paul Sableman

Boss eats employees half finished bagel during meeting

Woman Horrified After Boss Finishes Her Half-Eaten Bagel During Meeting

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB- 

Tamara Wright thought she had seen pretty much every thing from her boss, but when she witnessed him grab her partially eaten bagel and stuff it in his mouth, she was dumfounded.

“I’ve seen him do a lot of strange things over the years but this move was off the charts,” Wright said.  “What kind of weirdo would eat food you’ve already bitten into?”

The mysterious play for her bagel happened during a weekly department head meeting when her boss Kent Allenson, arrived late and hi-jacked the meeting.

“He often shows up late and starts talking over everyone,” Wright explained.  “He thinks by talking loud and interrupting we won’t notice he is late.”

While pontificating vigorously he became distracted by his own rhetoric and spotted the partially eaten onion bagel with cream cheese sitting on a plate next to Wright.

“He glanced at it a couple of times while he was droning on about some random nonsense.  In mid sentence he grabbed the bagel and took a bite,” Wright said.  “I thought he would realize his mistake and put it back but he hung onto it and finished it off in three bites.”

The meeting lasted another forty-five minutes until Allenson ran out of energy and interest until he congratulated himself by saying, “I did good!  We are done.”

“He often ends our meetings that way,” Wright said.  “We never know what they are about, there is never an agenda, it’s just Allenson holding court for an hour.”

Allenson provided no indication he was aware of the social and food safety faux pas during the entire meeting.  He declined to return our multiple requests for an interview.

“He never returns calls or texts,” Wright said.  “When you finally track him down he always has some crazy made-up excuse.”

Numerous employees at Allenson Adventures Inc. say Allenson is prone to erratic behaviour like wearing two left shoes, forgetting to comb his hair, going bare foot around the office and constantly wearing other people’s jackets.

“He wore my winter coat home last year at Christmas,” Wright said.  “It was a woman’s full length coat.  The only thing resembling his jacket was the colour.  He wore a long woman’s coat home without noticing.  Yeah, that kind of sums up the kind of idiot he is.”

“It’s like going to the circus every day and watching the clowns,” an employee requesting anonymity shared.  “He stumbles and bumbles his way through this place yelling about random things in a high-pitched voice.  His normal speaking voice isn’t high but the more he talks the more he lies and the higher his voice gets.”

“You always can tell when he’s lying,” Wright shared.  “It’s when he opens his mouth.”

A.A. Inc. staff are accustomed to the over promise and under deliver style of management their owner employs.  Most long-term staff stay for the money and entertainment.

“I have no idea how we make any money but its good for laughs,” an anonymous employee said.  “The best part is negotiating raises with him.  You don’t have to say anything in your review.  You just sit there and Kent will keep throwing money at you until you let him feel good about himself.”

Surprisingly, morale at A.A. Inc. is relatively high considering the leadership style of its owner.  Staff attribute the good morale to the fact there is little to no expectations placed on them, numerous perks and freebies, with no accountability.

“We can pretty much do what we want around here.  Allenson doesn’t care or doesn’t notice.  It’s great!”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation and disclosure.  The true nature of this story and affiliated website is rooted in fiction and satire.  They are freakin’ made-up stories.  None of this is what it seems (if you think it seems real) because it is fanciful.  Not Fancy Feast.  That is a cat food and this site is not about cat food although it is pro-feline, pro-canine, and luke-warm toward humans.  Please read and share responsibly and with full knowledge of the consequences of your actions.  The gigantic media corporation behind this website assumes no responsibility for anything.  Consuming the content on this site may cause you to question your own existence and reality in general.  We are not professionals.  Do not try this at home.  Stop scratching yourself.

Photo Credit – Rio Werner Hauser

Portage News Director Fired For Not Sharing Right-Wing Perspective

Portage la Prairie, MB –

New local TV station, CIPP-TV fired News Director, Pat Hiscock, after numerous complaints from politicians and business owners about her seemingly left-wing editorial perspective.

“We told Pat, when we brought her in from Lloydminster, her job was to be head cheerleader for the town and area,” CIPP-TV station owner Ryan Coke explained.  “Our vision for news is to be a positive, business friendly voice for the rich and powerful.”

Hiscock faced constant criticism for asking politicians uncomfortable questions on subjects they did not wish to address.  She disregarded her employers marching orders to pander to local officials and businesses and to avoid balanced perspectives and negative issues.

“I’ve worked in small media markets for years but I’ve never experienced so many thin-skinned people who couldn’t stand to be questioned,” Hiscock said.  “This place pays crap so it won’t be hard to find another job.”

Station management teamed up with some local political and business leaders to try to curb Hiscock’s editorial stance with law suits and threats but their efforts failed.

“It started when I openly questioned a prominent political figure about her comments,” Hiscock explained.  “She called me names and then had a lawyer send me a letter.  I didn’t stop because I do know the difference between journalism and free speech versus libel and slander.”

The remaining staff at CIPP-TV stand behind Hiscock and have taken over editorial control of the station website www.cipptvportagelaprairie.com.

“We are the only ones with the passwords and the ability to update the site,” union president Richard Pashe said.  “We’ll run the stories we want and management can’t do anything about it.  If we want to point out the obvious problems in this town, we will.”

CIPP-TV ownership has a different goal for the newsroom.

“We shouldn’t talk about negative and divisive issues,” Coke offered.  “Sure we have poverty and major social problems in Portage but we don’t need to be reminded of them.  Most viewers would prefer to see stories about how great our town is and all the great things that are going on.  It encourages people to spend more and that’s good for the economy.”

Hiscock offered some parting insights from her time in Portage la Prairie.

“When you move here, you see some glaring problems with the town that no one wants to talk about.  With such a dominant right-wing conservative view-point the other perspectives get marginalized.  People in power get freaked out when someone doesn’t share their opinion and can’t stand to be held accountable.  The town would benefit from some varied perspectives.  That’s what I tried to bring but I guess it was just too much,” Hiscock said.

“I wish Hiscock the best,” Coke offered.  “She just didn’t understand Portage.  We like what we know and know what we like.  We have a strongly shared perspective in this community and now we must find a News Director who is part of us.”

A search for Hisock’s replacement is underway.

Note to readers: this story is satirical and fictional – CIPP-TV is not a real TV station.  Please click here to read more if you don’t understand this is not real.

Photo: Rochelle Hartman – https://www.flickr.com/photos/tinfoilraccoon/

Crappy Boss Overcomes Low Staff Morale & High Turnover Rates To Write Leadership Book

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

The business world is buzzing over the release of a new leadership book from a very unlikely source.

Prairie Sunset Industries has been plagued by terrible management, inferior products, poor financial performance, low staff morale and ridiculous turnover rates but its latest endeavour is proving to be a hit.

CEO Calvin Butchko’s new business leadership book holds nothing back and is receiving strong reviews by readers and critics.

The idea their crappy boss has written a book on how to run a company is causing many employees at PSI to chuckle.

“He told us a few months ago he was taking some time off to write a book,” PSI General Manger Karl Gunnerson said.  “We thought that was hilarious.  When we found out what is was about we just about peed our pants.”

“Butchko is the worst boss in the world,” PSI employee Margorie Harder-Sawatzky said.  “He is a total narcissist, if not a full blown psychopath.”

The new book “The Way I Lead” was co-written by CIPP-TV News Director Pat Hiscock, who Butchko approached to help get the project going.

“I called Pat and said I needed help to write this book and I’d pay her a lot of money,” Butchko said.  “I’m not much of a writer and I don’t read much, but I’ve got all these great ideas on business and leadership I needed to share.”

“He wanted to share all his wisdom and insights with the world but it was pretty obvious once he started talking he was a complete moron,” Hiscock shared.

“I felt like most of his staff, and wanted to quit every time he opened his mouth, but after a while it became funny.  So that’s the angle I took.”

While Butchko believes he has a best seller because people are amazed at his business acumen the reality is most find the book ridiculous.

It has quickly become the anti-leader manifesto with chapters on how to keep your company going with a revolving door of disgruntled staff, how to avoid and ignore criticism, how to shirk responsibility and blame others, how to deflect, how to maintain low and ever-changing standards, how to reward suck-ups, and how to embrace delusion.

“After listening to him, and watching how he stumbles and bumbles through his day, I thought there would be a lot of people out there who could see the humour,” Hiscock said.  “There is a sad irony to how he manages to keep enough income coming in to support his CEO lifestyle.  A lot of it is financed, but he somehow bounces from loan to loan and keeps skating through life without doing much work.

Butchko is known for showing up late and leaving early when he is not off on an extended business trip for vague reasons.  All the staff we interviewed despise and dislike the man.

“I put all of that in the book,” Hiscock said.  “He’s a psychopathic moron who has squandered every chance he’s come across.  Sure, he’s deluded himself into thinking people love him and that he is a baron of industry, but he is, at his core, an idiot.”

Butchko shed some light on why he doesn’t seem bothered by the book’s contents.  “Why would I read my own book?  I already know what’s in it.  It’s all about me and how I lead.  Its great and a bestseller,” Butchko said.

Now that Butchko is a best-selling author he is planning a move into politics.

“My staff have told me for years I’m like a politician. Now that I’ve mastered business I’ll move over to politics and help them for a while.  They could really benefit from my style of leadership.  I think I’d fit right in.”

The employees at PSI welcome the possibility of Butchko entering the political realm and getting out of running their company.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read all about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  If you don’t know what that means – it means it is not real.  It is made up.  Please consumer, digest and share responsibly.

Photo:  Mark Turnauckas – https://www.flickr.com/photos/marktee/

Helen Wait Asks: “Can I Get A Business?”

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Hosted by Helen Wait, Can I Get A Business will attack the world of commerce with religious zeal.


Can I Get a Business?
– weekly look at the regions most interesting and innovative businesses.  Can you say holy infomercial Batman?

Local businesses will line-up to pay to be profiled on this show.  Chamber of Commerce Veteran and Conservative Party fundraiser Helen Waite will host the regions biggest and best business program.  The best part is this counts as Canadian content and we are making money off it.

Click here to read Helen Wait’s profile.