Portage Man Given Medication To Induce Labour By Mistake, Feels Pain & Gives Birth to Epiphany

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

During a routine medical appointment for his pregnant wife, a panicked father accidentally took medication intended to induce labour in his wife.

Jake Wessendorf was holding the pills while his wife Becca, prepared to insert them in her vagina.  He became confused and nervous and swallowed them instead of handing them to his wife.

Several minutes passed before medical staff were notified and the pills started taking effect.

Wessendorf immediately started feeling labour pains and began screaming like he had never screamed before.  The noise was so intense Mrs. Wessendorf went into labour without the assistance of drugs.

While Mr. Wessendorf yelled he was going to die, Mrs. Wessendorf practised breathing and relaxation and delivered their second child without incident.

During his two hours of labour Wessendorf had what he calls an epiphany and what his wife calls a terrible idea.

“I had a life after near death experience,” Wessendorf explained.  “I was cramped up so bad I crapped my pants three times.  It was when the pain let up and I was lying in my dirty pants my life purpose became clear.”

The idea was for a career change for the millwright.  He was to become the world’s first funeral D.J.

“I want to put the fun back in funeral,” Wessendorf said.  “We use dj’s for most other big life events so why not celebrate someone’s life with a rockin’ soundtrack?”

Close friend Jason Kleinsasser tried to talk his friend out of the plan.  “I told Jake you never have good epiphanies with your pants on.  Not only did he have his pants on when he got the idea, they were full of crap – just like his idea.”

Wessendorf found a sound system on Portage Mom’s Swap & Shop but has yet to secure any funeral bookings.  His wife maintains it is a bad idea and insists he keep his day job.  At press time Wessendorf had not soiled his pants again or had any additional epiphanies.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

Woman Gives Birth at Country Fest During Same Keith Urban Song Baby Was Conceived To

864175127_4098f1eb00_oDauphin, MB –

Nine months ago Ashley Meeches and John Michael MacLean were listening to Keith Urban’s “Somewhere in my car” while making love in the back of MacLean’s Ford Explorer.

Who knows if it was the sultry sound of Urban’s voice or the magic in the moonlight but Meeches became pregnant with a little boy.

Early in the new year, the couple bought tickets to Country Fest to see their favorite singer knowing Meeches first child was due around the same time.

“We were given July 7 as a due date,” Meeches said.  “I knew we’d be cutting it close by going this weekend. But I just had to see Keith in person.”

During Friday night’s Keith Urban show, Meeches’ water broke and she went into labour.  By the time Urban started performing “Somewhere in my car” the baby was crowning and before the last note of the song it was out in mom’s arms.

“There was no time to get her to the hospital or even get medics there,” John Michael MacLean said.  “I just reacted and caught the baby when it came out.  It was unreal.”

Most in the crowd were unaware of what was going on until paramedics arrived and carried new mom and baby out on a stretcher.  They are resting comfortably in Dauphin hospital.

To honour the strange coincidence the couple named the baby Keith Urban Meeches MacLean.

“I just love Keith Urban, he’s so sexy,” Meeches said.  “John Michael looks like a rural, Portage Keith Urban, that’s what attracted me to him.”

“Ashley always gets turned on and frisky when she sees or hears Keith Urban,” MacLean said.  “He’s coming out with a new album next year so I wouldn’t be surprised if we have another baby soon.”

Urban’s music has been linked to higher than average libido and fertility rates in woman who actively listen to his music but this is the first case where his voice has induced labour.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about this being satire.

Photo of Keith Urban: Snassek – https://www.flickr.com/photos/snassek/

Photo of couple with baby: Sellers Patton – https://www.flickr.com/photos/sellerspatton/