Ryan Coke becomes Portage la Prairie's first imaginary mayor in stunning landslide

Portage Makes History Electing First Imaginary Candidate, Ryan Coke, As Mayor

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –

Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor.  The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.

After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.

“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech.  “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”

Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.

“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered.  “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”

During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park.  The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.

Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment.  He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.

Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign.  Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.

Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises.  According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor. 

Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office.  All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.

“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said.  “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”

“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared.  “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts.  That seems to be the new trend in politics.  His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”

Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.

Photo Credit – Scott Garner

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website.  Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park.  Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real.  This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink.  Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news.  It is not news.  It is fiction.  Plastic plants are fake.  Please use and abuse this content responsibly.  Do not try this at home.  We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices.  Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat.  Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.

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Ryan Coke wants to be the next Mayor of Portage la Prairie by ending homeliness

Man Decides To Run For Mayor Based On Number Of Facebook Friends & Marginal Ideas

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – 

The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.

Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.

“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.

Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.

“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained.  “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts.  Everyone is reading my ideas online.

While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web.  He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.

Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.

“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said.  “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”

Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform.  He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.

“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained.  “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better.  How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see?  Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier.  That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”

The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.

“Let’s make Portage beautiful again!  Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.

“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared.  “My opponent has no answer for  the ugliness that overwhelms Portage.  A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”

Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way.  I had a nightmare about Portage once.  I was scared then I woke up.  I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.

Photo Credit -Michael Kmak

Ryan Coke runs for mayor on platform of ending homeliness and making Portage beautiful again.
Ryan Coke runs for mayor of Portage la Prairie, Manitoba.
Billy Neepawa advocates for an off leash cat park for Portage la Prairie

Mayoral Candidate Billy Neepawa Says “The Time Is Meow” For Off-Leash Cat Park

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Portagers could soon be singing, “who let the cats out?” if mayoral candidate Billy Neepawa is elected.  Neepawa made another major announcement to add to his already substantial platform, with a plan for an off-leash park for cats.

“It is time for cats and their human friends to gain the same access to exercise and recreation canines enjoy,” Billy Neepawa proclaimed at another marginally attended press conference.  “When I am elected I will establish an off-leash outdoor recreational area for cat shepherds to bring their felines to and let them run free.”

Neepawa brought several of his own cats to the press conference but his mother Barry Neepawa was notably absent.  Neepawa’s Aunt Rodger was on hand to lend her support.

“Billy’s mom Barry would have loved to be here but she has allergies, not to cats but nonetheless,” Rodger Norwood offered.  “Billy’s got a lot of good ideas and it is time for him to get out of the house and work on them.”

This is the second major announcement in as many days from a candidate clawing his way to the top, and pairs nicely with the proposal to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake to Island Park, aptly named the “Crunnel”.

-Read about Billy Neepawa’s Crunnel idea.

“Our new cat park will be called Portage Pussy Park or PPP for short,” Neepawa explained.  “It will become a destination for cat lovers from around Manitoba and increase tourism ten times from what it is today.  The sight of cats frolicking free and unencumbered will be inspiring.”

The new candidate was short on specifics on how he would fund the construction and maintenance of the new park and tourist attraction.

“I’m not sure where we would get the money but I’m sure we’ll find it.  The budget will kind of sort itself out.  I’m sure the city has accounting people to handle all that boring stuff.”

Portage Pussy Park will be built on beautiful Island Park and be featured on a new website complete with a snappy logo designed by firms and individuals living and working outside of Portage and area.

The park will have unique features like a puke pen, giant litter box for children to play in, lawn bowling with hair balls, cat fighting ring and an organic cat nip zone.

“I think this is the purrrrrfect time and the purrrfect place for this idea,” Neepawa said to cheers and chuckles to the mostly partisan crowd.  “The time is meow,” he further punned.

It is important to note that during the press conference one of Neepawa’s cats urinated in Neepawa’s backpack, an orange cat vomited twice and another hissed and swatted at an attending member of the media.  In general, his felines appeared to be well cared for but socially unstable and hostile at times.

Neepawa ended his press conference by thanking his supporters, elementary school teachers, a friend named Steven along with his neighbour Ross.  He then indicated it was time for him to pussy foot home for a nap.  

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful, great, totally amazing and cat appropriate again.  Thank you and have a great night.

Photo credit – Kellinahandbasket

Billy Neepawa wants to be mayor and dig a tunnel under Crescent Lake

Mayoral Candidate Proposes Tunnel Under Crescent Lake To Replace Planned Causeway

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A long-suffering Portager is throwing his hat in the ring to become Portage la Prairie’s next mayor and tossing out some great new ideas.

“After consulting with my mom and my cats, I have decided to become a candidate for mayor in the next municipal election,” Billy Neepawa announced at a sparsely attended press conference.

“The issues in Portage are numerous, if not obvious, and I intend to solve all of them in my first term,” Neepawa boldly predicted.

Neepawa is the first to declare his candidacy but it is rumoured incumbent Sherman Moffat intends to run for another term while media mogul and CIPP –TV station owner, Ryan Coke, is said to be thinking about taking a run to be Portage’s illustrious leader.  Coke is believed to be concerned about his chances going up against Neepawa.

Billy Neepawa was quick to come out swinging against the current mayor and council.

“We’ve seen the past two city council’s dither and make poor decisions about what to do with the Island Park Bridge.  Today, I’m unveiling my plans to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake instead of the proposed causeway now being looked at.”

“If England and France can have a ‘Chunnel’ connecting them, Portage can certainly build a short tunnel under the lake and I propose we call it the ‘Crunnel’ to stand for Crescent Lake Tunnel.”

The plan calls for a tunnel running from Royal Road under the lake to Island Park.  Neepawa claims the plan will allow the existing bridge to remain as a pedestrian bridge and allow the current causeway to be removed for better water flow.

“We can create an engineering marvel, save the wood bridge and decrease the cost of the project by building a Crunnel,” Neepawa said.  “In addition to the tunnel we will also be able to create a substantial recreational hill on the island with all the dirt we displace.  It may even be tall enough for down hill skiing and snowboarding, creating hundreds of tourism jobs.”

The gathering of mostly friends and relatives had mixed feelings on Neepawa’s plans and candidacy.  His mother Barry Neepawa was happy to see her son get out of the house for the afternoon but refused to speak to reporters.

“I’ve know Billy for years and I think he would make an okay mayor, I guess,” life-long friend Amelia French said.  “I usually don’t vote anyway.  I like the Crunnel idea.”

Jimmy Wiebe, a cousin to Neepawa, was optimistic.  “Billy loves his cats and his mom.  That is the kind of character this town needs.  He’s an out of the box thinker with little to no financial knowledge or skill.  He could quite possibly bankrupt our town.  I’m voting for him for sure!”

Incumbent Mayor Sherman Moffat said he was surprised at Neepawa’s decision but still would not reveal his plans for the fall election.

Political analysts believe Neepawa has wide populist appeal and could pose a formidable challenge.  It is widely believed people like to vote for people who love cats and respect their mothers.

Neepawa has no previous public service experience but did run for vice president in junior high at La Verendrye School, an endeavour he plans to draw on.

“I ran for council at La Verendrye School but I came in third,” Neepawa recalled.  “I lost to the girl who started puberty early and a guy who wore cool beer t-shirts.  I don’t think this election will be a popularity contest so I should be all right.”

The money-saving, job creating tunnel is a great first step in winning the election but it is still early in the race.  With potential candidates who are media moguls, unemployed socialists, uneducated buffoons, leg wrestlers, barn animals, turtle doves and musical stars anything can still happen.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story.  That means it is not real.  You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real.  While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials.  Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not.  Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts.  Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds.  Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful again.

Photo credit – Eli Duke

Homely people are excited about new program to end homeliness in Portage la Prairie

Homeliness In Portage la Prairie To Be Eliminated By Local TV Station Initiative

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

CIPP – TV is looking to change the face of Portage la Prairie for the better.  The local TV station announced the launch of a new initiative to end homeliness once and for all in the Manitoba city.

“The message we’re sending out is we want to make Portage la Prairie beautiful again,” CIPP – TV station owner Ryan Coke announced.  “It’s time we took the problem of homeliness head on and get rid of it.”

“We want to make walking our streets enjoyable by putting the “fair” back into our city.”

The ‘Make Portage la Prairie Beautiful Again” initiative will take the expertise of the television station to battle homeliness everywhere in the city.

“As a television broadcaster we know how to make things look much better than they are,” Coke said.  “It is high time we leverage that to make the people of Portage easier to look at.”

“I’m glad CIPP –TV is stepping up to help us deal with homeliness in Portage,” Mayor Sherman Moffat said.  “I look forward to the day we can all walk the streets of Portage and not have to be witness to homeliness on our streets.”

The multi-pronged program will see Portagers trained in hair and make up techniques, fashion and poise by TV station employees so they can hit the streets to assist with make overs and general beauty education.

“There are a lot of Portagers who look terrible right now but with a bit of help and effort could be made to look half-decent with a good hair cut and some make up,” Coke explained.

At an event that took on the tone of a political rally, fuelling speculation station owner Ryan Coke is considering a run for Mayor the announcement drew cheers and rave reviews.

“I think this is just what the town needs,” Portager, Irma Chartrand said.  “There is no need for the amount of ugly people we see in Portage on a daily basis.  I think we could see an end to homeliness within a year.”

Coke admits that even with hair, make up and clothing help some Portagers may still end up being on the homely side.  He points to the fact that some may have to employ stylish veils, hats, and sunglasses to hide their ugliness. “If someone has decent eyes and hides behind a veil they become exotic and alluring,” Coke offered.  “But ultimately there are those Portagers that even that may not help.  For those who go through the program but remain unattractive we will work with their employers to have them work nights and away from the public eye.”

“The beautification of our citizenry is long over-due,” Moffat said.  “By putting an end of homeliness we will be able to attract more business and industries.  It’s not just the ugly people who will benefit.  We will all stand to win.”

Coke refused to say whether his new initiative had anything to do with his political aspirations but did comment on the upcoming civic election.

“I think it would make sense for a media baron like myself to run for office some day.  I already control the news and information so why not control the public purse too.”

Unnamed sources say Coke’s decision to run will depend on whether or not Billy Neepawa seeks the mayor’s chair.  Neepawa is seen as a potential populist favourite if he enters the race.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here for the full disclaimer and disclosure on the true but non-sinister nature of this story and website.  They are both fictional and satirical in origin.  While based loosely on rumours and theories about the goings on of Portage la Prairie and area this story is completely fanciful and ridiculous.  These people don’t really exist so their names can’t appear on any ballot.  Or can they?  That is crazy.  Please don’t be tricked into contributing to one or several of these fictional character’s campaign funds.  If you do, you likely will contribute to the further addiction and delinquency of those asking.  The name Billy Neepawa is very silly.  This site is not associated directly or indirectly to Russia, its agents or Donald Trump and is not designed or intended to influence your voting in any election real or otherwise.  But then again would we tell you if we were?  In the upside down world this website might become real and you may be fictional – what then?  Make Portage la Prairie beautiful again!

Photo credit – Victorio Marasigan

Locals will turn a Colorado Low into a high by smoking marijuana

Locals To Turn Colorado Low Into A High

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

A major winter storm is headed our way and a local cat owner and pot enthusiast has a plan to make it all go away.  Or at least it will feel that way.

Billy Neepawa is organizing a Colorado High event for this Monday to celebrate the upcoming legalization of marijuana and to raise funds for a local animal shelter.

“The more it snows the more we’ll toke,” said Neepawa.  “Blaze the blizzard!”

With pot consumption and trade becoming legal this summer, Neepawa says this is the perfect tie-in to celebrate the legalization of marijuana.

He will be putting up posters around town and using social media to market the event that will be free to attend with a donation of pet food.  In the event the Colorado low closes highways Neepawa will open his doors to all those stranded.

“I can’t think of a better way to experience Portage as a tourist,” said Neepawa.

The event is tied to helping a local shelter, a cause near to Neepawa’s heart since his cat’s last round of constipation.

“I’m a little worried about my cat being affected by second-hand smoke.  Since his enema he’s been pooping regularly and I don’t want to mess that up.”

The Colorado High starts Monday afternoon and lasts as long as the storm.  Neepawa’s home is located near the east-end 7/11 which will be open regardless of how bad the weather gets.  There will be an abundance of food should participants get hungry.

 

Photo Credit – Amelia Wells

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read the full explanation and disclaimer and to find additional links to important legal statements.  Please be advised that the above article and others on this website are without merit when it comes to being real. That means it and they are not real. It and they are works of fiction. Fiction implies, but is not limited to, they are made up and are not real stories and any resemblance to real events, people and their goings on is coincidental. Now, please note that while  Portage la Prairie is a real place and humans, animals and some of the goings on of said things are real, these works are still of fiction created from the minds of sometimes troubled people known more commonly as writers. Writers of such material are creating the unreal from the real. Let the onus be on the reader and consumer of the material on this site to be fully and completely aware of the responsibilities that come with reading the above said material. As a reader of same you are obligated to embrace the opus as humorous, satirical, weird, unusual, quirky, offbeat but not as reality. When sharing electronically, verbally or via physical gestures please do so only after reading the piece in its entirety along with the accompanying notice to reader. Never share with any malice or misgivings. Don’t mislead people into thinking this is anything but a work of fiction. This contest has no cash value, is void where prohibited by law and is affront to common sense and decency. Don’t leave the lights on. Save the world.

 

 

Who is the mysterious man found in Portage la Prairie who says only one word: potato

Police Seek Help Identifying Man Found In Portage la Prairie Speaking Only One Word: Potato

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Portage police picked up a mysterious man Saturday morning at a local coffee shop after other customers got into an altercation with him for holding up the line by trying to place an order by saying just one word.  Potato.

Once in custody, police tried to question the man, but he stonewalled them by answering with just the word, potato.  Fingerprint and facial recognition searches yielded no information on the man’s identity, prompting police to ask for the public’s help.

“We feel there must be someone out there who the man is living with or visiting that knows his true identity,” police spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “It is very frustrating when dealing with someone who is only willing or able to say potato.”

Medical experts evaluating the man have been unsuccessful in finding an explanation to his limited communication.

“He appears normal from a physical and psychological perspective,” Froman explained.  “Normal except that he only says the word potato, which is very abnormal, even for Portage residents.”

“We did try to get him to say other words like hash browns, fries and mashed but he would just stare at us and say potato,” Froman added.

Eyewitness and coffee shop patron, Billy Neepawa, tried to communicate with the potato man.

“He was just ahead of me and kept saying potato to the kid at the counter,” Neepawa said.  “Poor kid didn’t know what to do.  He went through pretty much everything on the menu and the dude just kept saying potato.”

Neepawa tried to explain to the man he was in a coffee shop but he got nowhere.

“I thought he was trippin’ at first but the dude looked completely normal.  He just kept saying potato over and over again.  I asked him if that’s what he wanted but he didn’t indicate yes or no, he just kept saying potato,” Neepawa said.

No charges are pending on the mysterious potato man from the altercation at the coffee shop but authorities want to identify him before releasing him.

“We ask if anyone recognizes him to contact us immediately,” Froman said.  “We don’t know if he needs medication or if that will even stop him from saying potato.”

This most recent incident of a person just saying one word is frighteningly similar to the case two years ago of the strange woman who said strawberry.  Police do not believe the two cases are related but the woman is still in psychiatric care in a facility in Winkler and are reporting no progress in her case.

“We still don’t know where the strawberry lady came from or why she only said the word strawberry,” Froman said.  “Her file remains active and we continue to chase leads as they surface.”

Portage la Prairie seems to be a destination for people who only communicate with single words and home to many who understand single or few words.  Some are suggesting it has something to do with literacy rates or trauma associated to reading and comprehension.

“This may be a social issue but we are not ruling anything out at this point,” Froman said.  “We don’t believe there is a threat to public safety but we would appreciate information on anyone else speaking single words.”

C.I.P.P.- TV Channel 116 will have updates on this story and more as news breaks.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and find additional legal information about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this story and website.  This story is just fiction, it is not real.  No one in Portage la Prairie is just saying potato and/or strawberry, although, we would not be surprised if it happened.  Do not trick your friends, family and associates into thinking this is real.  That would not be nice and considered majorly uncool.  Remember to vote for Billy Neepawa whenever you can.  We love him and he is great.

Photo Credit – David