Hockey fans make players better by yelling at them

Winnipeg Fans’ Yelling, Opinions & Knowledge Help Jets Win

Winnipeg, MB –

It turns out yelling at your favourite team can make them play better.  At least, the Winnipeg Jets are admitting comments and advice offered by fans has made a huge difference for them this year.

“We don’t like to admit it but all that yelling during games and opinions on call in shows and social media really help the us play better,” team player spokesperson Evan Watson said.

Jet players admit that hearing fans yell “shoot”, “hit ‘em”, “pass the puck” and “skate” allow them make immediate improvements to their game allowing them to post an excellent record this year.

“I had no idea how good my shot was until I heard a fan tell me to shoot the puck during my first game as a Jet,” Patrik Laine shared.

“Before I came to Winnipeg I didn’t know I had to skate hard,” Blake Wheeler said.  “Thanks to the fans I’m no longer slow and ineffective.”

Jets defenceman, Dustin Byfuglien noted the fans improved his game.  “I knew I was bigger than most of the guys on the ice but before I heard a Winnipeg fan yell at me to hit, I had no idea I was good at it.  Now most teams are afraid of me.”

The Jets site in-game advice as the biggest difference in their play but also credit radio call-in comments and opinions shared on social media as big helps in making the team better.

“Chevy and Paul spend many hours a day sorting through all the suggestions and advice,” Watson said.  “Without them, I’m not sure where we would be today.”

“I’ve had great coaching and played at the highest level possible most of my life but it is amazing how much more the fans know than us,” Mark Scheifele said.  “I mean we play hockey for a living and a guy with three games of junior B, thirty years ago knows more than our head coach.  I’m not sure where we would be if they kept all that knowledge to themselves.”

“I listen to every call-in show and read all the social media feeds and I am humbled by the hockey wisdom out there,” Head Coach Paul Maurice said.  “I’m glad most of these people were too busy to put in an application when they hired me as head coach.  I know Mark Chipman could replace me tomorrow with any number of these folks.”

“Well, it is incredible when you hear a person comment after watching the play once or seeing the highlights with such insight,” Kevin Cheveldayoff explained.  “We watch hours of video from several camera angles and completely miss what some random fan picks up on.  I only wish I could notice things that quickly.”

Jets’ ownership and management are also thankful for the direction from the fans.  “I had no idea how to run a hockey team until the fans started sharing with me,” owner Mark Chipman said.  “To be honest I didn’t know much about running a business either.  If it weren’t for the constant and consistent comments from fans, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I’m truly grateful.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  While the Winnipeg Jets and the members of the organization mentioned are real, they are used in a fictional way to create a satirical piece of fiction.  That means this story is not real.  Please read and share responsibly.  If you thought this was real, well, perhaps you should seek out some professional help immediately.

Photo Credit: S S

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Picturing everybody naked negatively affects Portage man's life

Man Takes Advice To “Picture Everybody Naked” Too Far

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Allan Tilford remembers the day his life changed as if it was yesterday.

“It was grade twelve English, I had to do a class presentation and my teacher Mr. Perkins gave me some advice to try to help me through it,” Tilford recalls.

English teacher Jimmy Perkins told Tilford the same thing he had shared with hundreds of other nervous students in the past.

“He told me when I got up there to just picture everybody naked,” Tilford said.  “I believed that it would help so I practised picturing people nude for a week before my presentation.”

Back in 1988, Tilford had no idea what he started was going to turn into a life-long habit that has permanently disabled him psychologically and limited his social involvement.  The fifty-year-old Portager confesses to being somewhat of an expert.

“I can pretty much look at anyone and visualize them naked.  It’s sort of a gift,” Tilford explained.  “When I look at someone and find they are not that attractive naked I will glance at the next person.  I’ll undress them with my eyes and put their clothes on the unattractive person.”

Tilford admits the need to mentally strip people is constant and persistent and is negatively affecting his life.

“I’ve been getting some help lately,” Tilford said.  “My wife says I leer at people too much when I undress them with my eyes and it makes them uncomfortable.  We don’t go out much and I can’t seem to keep a job for very long.”

Through counselling, Tilford discovered the root of his problem is in his 1988 English class.

“The day of my presentation to the class Lisa Butterfield was sitting in the front row,” Tilford shared.  “She was a very cute blonde girl but kind of religious.  She was a Gospel Hall kid but I had a crush.”

Tilford recollects staring a Ms. Butterfield and practising what his teacher instructed him to do but it made his presentation more difficult.  He ended up with a D on his assignment but it set him on a path he would never turn back from.

“I bombed my assignment but ended up asking her out,” Tilford offered.  “It turns out my imagination was almost 100% accurate.  I knew then I had a gift.”

Tilford claims his gift allows him to visualize anyone naked.

“Sure, I’ve even pictured guys on my hockey team naked and then been able to confirm the accuracy in the shower after.”

“I don’t think people understand my gifting.  Most people get weirded out when I use it,” Tilford confessed.  “I think if people were just a little more tolerant and accepting my life would be easier.”

Tilford points to loss of income, friends, spousal criticism and lack of social interaction as some of the hardships that come with his practise of “picturing everybody naked”.

“Some days I curse Mr. Perkins for teaching me that but most of the time I’m thankful I discovered my special gift.”

We had several more questions for Tilford but our interview ended when he made the following comment.

“I see you have a mole on your left shoulder and a delightful amount of freckles on your torso.”

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about this story and website being a fine source of satire, fiction and limited humour.  Please do not try to trick your friends and associates by leading them to believe it is real and please do not picture them naked.

Photo Credit: Robert Ennals