City to retroactively ban mullets.

Portage la Prairie Retroactively Bans Mullets

Portage la Prairie, MB –

To improve the moral fibre of its citizens, Portage la Prairie is retroactively banning the hairstyle commonly referred to as the mullet.

“We conducted a study and hired an overpriced consultant to tell us what we already suspected.  Those who wore mullets in the 80’s and early 90’s are far more likely to be stuck in a state of prolonged adolescence,” Freda Grossweiner, leader of Portage la Prairians Promoting Proper Hair and Morals said.

The group PPPPH&M began noticing social problems arising in Portage like excessive drinking, pot smoking, lack of ambition and the continued consumption of heavy metal music and thought the mullet was to blame.

“It became clear the ‘business in the front – party in the back’ attitude had stayed with many members of the male population and a few women.  For the sake of the town and future generations we had to do something.”

The unfortunate hairstyle will no longer be legal in the City of Portage la Prairie and surrounding area, and stylists and barbers have been served notice.  Offenders will be fined and directed to have their hair cut properly within 14 days.

Retroactively, the mullet will be eliminated starting with grad photos and year books from the offending decades.  The school division has been notified, and all photos must be doctored or removed to avoid further impacting the younger generations.

“We are concerned about younger males sporting a hair style called ‘the flow’,” Grossweiner said.  “The flow may have the same impact on today’s youth as the mullet did in the 80’s so we will have to monitor it and take action if need be.”

“The back-combed, hairspray filled, big hair of the 80’s, worn mostly by women and members of glam-rock bands was also looked at.  But we found most females today insist on straight, unoriginal, homogenous hair akin to those we saw in the 50’s and 60’s.  Big hair didn’t seem to have the same negative impact on society that mullets did.”

The organization is asking if you know of anyone still sporting a mullet or harbouring old photos of them in a mullet to contact City Hall immediately so by-law enforcement can clean up the situation.

Photo Credit – Leonardo Dasilva

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80's rock shirts to be used to make quilts for homeless

Portage Man Donates 80’s Rock Shirt Wardrobe To Make Quilts For The Homeless

Portage la Prairie, MB –

His hair has thinned, the mullet is gone and now Ian Patterson is letting go of the concert shirts that have help him hang on to his glory days of the 1980’s.

With a closet containing hundreds of rock n roll t-shirts from the 80’s and early 90’s Patterson hopes he can make a difference while putting his heavy metal ways behind him.

“I usually wear one rock shirt a day,” Patterson shared.  “I love the feeling I get when I remember the way it was back in the day.  The anthem rock, hair metal, and classic rock it was all so good back in the 80’s.”

Patterson notes Def Leppard, Van Halen, Judas Priest, Scorpions, Helix, Kiss, AC/DC and Lee Aaron as some of his favourites.

“It was all about the tunes back then,” Patterson said.  “I usually bought three or four of each kind of concert shirt and I went to every concert I could.  I wash them all inside out in cold water and hang dry them.  They are in great condition but it is time I moved on,” the fifty-year-old Patterson said.

His mother-in-law nagged him for years to get rid of the t-shirts and wear more “grown up” clothes.  It was her suggestion to make quilts from the shirts that got Patterson thinking.

“I normally don’t listen to her but when she said the local MCC ladies could make a bunch of quilts from my shirts I fell in love with the idea,” Patterson offered.

“I’ll have them make a quilt for me from all my favourite shirts and the other quilts will be auctioned off to raise money for the homeless,” Patterson explained.

Local MCC Thrift Shop quilting experts estimate approximately twenty quilts can be made from the shirts and raise over $10,000.00 at auction.

“Nostalgia, especially from the 80’s, generate a lot of interest,” MCC spokesperson Karen Harms said.  “There is a large number of people in their late forties, early fifties looking to grasp at things from their youth.  The big hair is gone and nobody makes heavy metal anymore so these quilts will be a big hit.”

Patterson agrees the rock shirts pack a nostalgic punch.  “The first thing I’ll do is put on Def Leppard’s Pyromania, then grab my quilt and curl up underneath it and remember that night in 1983 when I saw them at the old Winnipeg Arena.”

The MCC Thrift Store’s quilters will start work immediately and hope to have the rock n roll quilts ready for the holiday season.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional and satirical intent of this story and website.  Well I guess the intent is satirical but it is fictional.  Yes, the 80’s existed, as did heavy metal and tour shirts from the era but the characters mentioned in the story are imaginary as is their desire to live in the past.  Please read and share with this in mind.

Photo credit:  Jonathan Haynes

Portage Mall Becomes 80’s Themed Canadian Museum of Retail History

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

The ghosts of shoppers past will give way to a mall full of nostalgia seekers.

The Portage Mall is transforming into a tribute to the retail shops that have come and gone in Portage la Prairie and Canada.

Shoppers will soon be able to pay a small entrance fee to browse the isles of Portage favourites like Woolco, Styleright, Hans Christian Toys, Low-Cost Drugs, The Copper Kettle, Coles Books and hang out in Long John Silver’s Arcade or sit in Pizza Place, Smitty’s or the Fuzzy Orange.

The Museum of Retail History will include Canadian icons who failed, like Eaton’s, Beaver Lumber, Consumer’s Distributing, Randy River, Sam The Record Man, Radio Shack, Zellers and dozens more.

“If you grew up in the 80’s or even 90’s you will remember most of these places,” Museum Curator Jonathon Brown explained.  “It’ll be like relieving your youth for an afternoon.  Come to the Mall and pay $20 to hang out at the arcade and troll the mall for girls or guys.”

The inspiration for the new museum concept came when Brown overheard people in the mall say it was as if they were walking with ghosts.  The light came on, and he put plans in place to turn the empty space into an innovative tourist attraction.

“We’ll have full portions of each store re-created so visitors can walk through and look at era items,” Brown offered.  “We’ll really focus on the late 80’s so there will be things like designer jeans, pet rocks, books, records and cassettes and all the Museum cast members will have big hair and mullets.”

It will be the first time in almost two decades, the mall will be filled with stores and Brown promises they have plans to keep it fresh.

“On Friday and Saturday nights we’ll have bands from the 80’s and 90’s perform at centre court.  Local acts will include The Double Eagle Band and Johnny Dietrich.  National and international retro acts will also be added to the line-up that already includes Helix, Headpins, Orphan, and Platinum Blonde.

The Museum also plans to have rotating exhibits to highlight other local and national failed retailers.

“We hope to have something from The Met and Narvey’s in the first month,” Brown shared.  “We will announce more stores as we move along.  Each month we should get a new exhibit.  Moving forward it looks like we’ll have an endless stream of extinct retailers.  This could become a world-wide centre for retail history.”

The Museum of Retail History feels the new business model of charging admission combined with concession and food sales will bring the vintage retail space into a new era of prosperity and add a new dynamic attraction to the Central Plains area.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer.  Sad we have to tell people this is fictional and of a satire nature, but oh well, now you know it’s not real.

Photo: David Wilson – https://www.flickr.com/photos/ddoubleu/