Study reveals why kids have tantrums. Parents need more help.

Study Reveals Why Kids Throw Tantrums & Leads To Demands For Government Help To Meet Children’s Every Whim

PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Experts discovered the reason why a growing number of small children throw temper tantrums, have hissy fits and meltdowns, especially in public.  The shocking new study reveals the wild, annoying and loud behaviour works on most adults.

“Over the last twenty years we have seen an increase in reports of tantrum-like behaviors in children seven and under,” lead researcher Perry Percival said.  “We wanted to find out why tantrums and incessant whining was on the rise in North America.”

The study involved over ten thousand families from a wide demographic range and the findings were overwhelming.

“In over eighty-eight percent of the cases of tantrums and whining observed, the child was able to exert their own will or obtain the object of their desire,” Percival shared.  “Bottom line is children are increasingly adapting their behavior to get what they want.”

Tantrums are working leaving adults scrambling to stay ahead of the adaptive behavior.

“We had melt-downs every day after daycare,” study participant Joelle Swanson explained.  “Little Tyson would demand a trip to the store or ice cream shop and when I said no he would start screaming.  If I didn’t give in, he would start flailing in his car seat and throw things at me.  I just didn’t have the energy to fight with him.”

Swanson’s story is typical of what many parents and adults go through on a daily basis.  The demands of life, hunger to acquire more things and the need to earn more money to live an enhanced life-style is putting a strain on parents’ physical, emotional and psychological energy.

“The government needs to have a look at our findings,” Percival offered.  “With the problem being so wide-spread maybe we need to offer support systems to help parents meet the needs of their kids before things escalate into tantrums and hissy-fits.  Perhaps if parents were equipped with more time, money and resources it wouldn’t be such a big issue.”

The majority of the families in the study echo Percival’s call on the government.

“I think it is about time we got some level of help,” study participant Judy Wall said.  “It’s not 1980 anymore we can’t just say no to our kids.  It’s not good for anyone if things build and build so kids have freak-outs to get what they want.”

“Some kind of government program or assistance would be great,” parent Jerry Neudorf added.  “Giving us more money and time could help give us the energy we need to pander to our children’s whims 24/7.”

Percival warns that with such widespread tantrums becoming more the norm the impact on society could become catastrophic if something is not done soon.

“We could soon see an entire generations of people who have grown up whining and carrying-on have kids of their own,” Percival warned.  “This could lead to an exponential increase in the amount and effectiveness of the behaviour.”

The study is valid 19 times out of 20 and has a margin of error of less than 5% but lacks in any substantial merit or credibility.  Portage la Prairie has a higher than normal rate of whiny children with researchers pegging the tantrum rate at 98% in Portage children.

Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal disclosure.  This story and website are fictional and satirical in nature.  That means they are fictional and satirical.  Made up.  Funny.  We know that children are wonderful and not prone to negative behaviour.  We know that adults would never cave to children’s unrealistic demands unless they had a good reason to.  Our mamas didn’t raise no fools.  Wait, maybe they did.  We are stuck inside this imaginary TV station’s website and can’t get out.  Send money if you like.  We’ll likely buy fried chicken and beer with it but we’d appreciate it.  For a while, but after that we’d become increasingly more demanding as the feeling of entitlement overcomes us.  Long live the Empire of Portage la Prairie.  Vote for Billy Neepawa.

Photo Credit – Jared Smith

City to retroactively ban mullets.

Portage la Prairie Retroactively Bans Mullets

Portage la Prairie, MB –

To improve the moral fibre of its citizens, Portage la Prairie is retroactively banning the hairstyle commonly referred to as the mullet.

“We conducted a study and hired an overpriced consultant to tell us what we already suspected.  Those who wore mullets in the 80’s and early 90’s are far more likely to be stuck in a state of prolonged adolescence,” Freda Grossweiner, leader of Portage la Prairians Promoting Proper Hair and Morals said.

The group PPPPH&M began noticing social problems arising in Portage like excessive drinking, pot smoking, lack of ambition and the continued consumption of heavy metal music and thought the mullet was to blame.

“It became clear the ‘business in the front – party in the back’ attitude had stayed with many members of the male population and a few women.  For the sake of the town and future generations we had to do something.”

The unfortunate hairstyle will no longer be legal in the City of Portage la Prairie and surrounding area, and stylists and barbers have been served notice.  Offenders will be fined and directed to have their hair cut properly within 14 days.

Retroactively, the mullet will be eliminated starting with grad photos and year books from the offending decades.  The school division has been notified, and all photos must be doctored or removed to avoid further impacting the younger generations.

“We are concerned about younger males sporting a hair style called ‘the flow’,” Grossweiner said.  “The flow may have the same impact on today’s youth as the mullet did in the 80’s so we will have to monitor it and take action if need be.”

“The back-combed, hairspray filled, big hair of the 80’s, worn mostly by women and members of glam-rock bands was also looked at.  But we found most females today insist on straight, unoriginal, homogenous hair akin to those we saw in the 50’s and 60’s.  Big hair didn’t seem to have the same negative impact on society that mullets did.”

The organization is asking if you know of anyone still sporting a mullet or harbouring old photos of them in a mullet to contact City Hall immediately so by-law enforcement can clean up the situation.

Photo Credit – Leonardo Dasilva

Notice to readers/disclaimer:  Click here to read full statement of disclosure and find important legal documents pertaining to, but not limited to the fictional state of this story and website.  Please be advised that while Portage la Prairie is a real place, the content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans.  Some events, people and places may resemble reality but the fact remains the information is unreliable, lacking in credibility and truth.  Some of this may seem real to some readers but more reasonable people will pick up on the humour and satire.  Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair.  Should you experience an erection lasting more than four hours please seek medical treatment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments.  In addition they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation.  Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution.  Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass.  This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit.  Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation.  We like oatmeal and beans.  Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same.  Please no parking without a permit.  And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality.  Please consult a physician before working out.  Call your mom.

80's rock shirts to be used to make quilts for homeless

Portage Man Donates 80’s Rock Shirt Wardrobe To Make Quilts For The Homeless

Portage la Prairie, MB –

His hair has thinned, the mullet is gone and now Ian Patterson is letting go of the concert shirts that have help him hang on to his glory days of the 1980’s.

With a closet containing hundreds of rock n roll t-shirts from the 80’s and early 90’s Patterson hopes he can make a difference while putting his heavy metal ways behind him.

“I usually wear one rock shirt a day,” Patterson shared.  “I love the feeling I get when I remember the way it was back in the day.  The anthem rock, hair metal, and classic rock it was all so good back in the 80’s.”

Patterson notes Def Leppard, Van Halen, Judas Priest, Scorpions, Helix, Kiss, AC/DC and Lee Aaron as some of his favourites.

“It was all about the tunes back then,” Patterson said.  “I usually bought three or four of each kind of concert shirt and I went to every concert I could.  I wash them all inside out in cold water and hang dry them.  They are in great condition but it is time I moved on,” the fifty-year-old Patterson said.

His mother-in-law nagged him for years to get rid of the t-shirts and wear more “grown up” clothes.  It was her suggestion to make quilts from the shirts that got Patterson thinking.

“I normally don’t listen to her but when she said the local MCC ladies could make a bunch of quilts from my shirts I fell in love with the idea,” Patterson offered.

“I’ll have them make a quilt for me from all my favourite shirts and the other quilts will be auctioned off to raise money for the homeless,” Patterson explained.

Local MCC Thrift Shop quilting experts estimate approximately twenty quilts can be made from the shirts and raise over $10,000.00 at auction.

“Nostalgia, especially from the 80’s, generate a lot of interest,” MCC spokesperson Karen Harms said.  “There is a large number of people in their late forties, early fifties looking to grasp at things from their youth.  The big hair is gone and nobody makes heavy metal anymore so these quilts will be a big hit.”

Patterson agrees the rock shirts pack a nostalgic punch.  “The first thing I’ll do is put on Def Leppard’s Pyromania, then grab my quilt and curl up underneath it and remember that night in 1983 when I saw them at the old Winnipeg Arena.”

The MCC Thrift Store’s quilters will start work immediately and hope to have the rock n roll quilts ready for the holiday season.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional and satirical intent of this story and website.  Well I guess the intent is satirical but it is fictional.  Yes, the 80’s existed, as did heavy metal and tour shirts from the era but the characters mentioned in the story are imaginary as is their desire to live in the past.  Please read and share with this in mind.

Photo credit:  Jonathan Haynes