Ambulance Ride To Town & Miracle Get Woman To Bingo On Time

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Evelyn Peters was home alone in the R.M. of North Norfolk wondering how she was going to get to bingo when she had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital instead.

“I was on Facebook trying to get someone to take me to town for bingo when I suddenly got dizzy and had lots of pain,” Peters said.

The woman quickly dialed 911 and an ambulance arrived within 30 minutes.  She was taken to Portage hospital with what she believed to be life-threatening symptoms.

“For sure I was having a heart attack and stroke,” Peters explained.  “My whole world was ending.  I thought I was going to die.”

EMS responders brought Peters to Portage and wheeled her into the E.R. room on a stretcher.

“I was screaming, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die.  I need morphine.”  It was in this desperate moment when a miracle happened.

“When I looked into the face of the nurse who saw me first I knew I was going to be okay,” Peters said.

“She looked just like my dead grandfather who passed away tragically a year ago.  It was like his spirit was there with me telling me he would save me.”

The nurse’s resemblance to Peters’ grandfather, Eugene Peters had a supernatural effect on Peters and she claims to be healed in that moment.

“I believe God heard my prayers and sent my grandpa to save me,” Peters offered.  “I instantly got better and I was able to get off the stretcher.”

After a brief examination by doctors, Peters was given a clean bill of health and discharged with just enough time to make it to bingo via a shuttle.

“When something that powerful happens you better pay attention,” Peters said.  “I knew grandpa and God wouldn’t want me to waste that good luck.”

Fortunately, Peters brought her purse and lucky bingo dabbers and had time to grab a shuttle, hit the drive-thru for something to eat.

Although she didn’t win the blackout jackpot, she still feels grateful for how her day turned out.

“I thought fate was going to be on my side tonight but I only won two small pots,” Peters said.  “I guess I should be happy to have my health, and I am but I really wanted to win the blackout pot.”

Peters has been able to recover quickly from rides to the E.R.  three other times in the past to make it to bingo the same night but this is the first time she claims to have been healed on arrival to the hospital.

“If I hadn’t met my grandpa’s spirit and got that miracle there is no way I could have got to bingo in time,” Peters said.  “I was pretty lucky I guess.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional nature of the story and the website.  The whole thing is made up folks so don’t get all upset and thinkin’ its real cause it ain’t.  Just read, laugh, enjoy and share with your like-minded and odd friends.

Photo: Andrew Skudder – https://www.flickr.com/photos/skuds/

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City Hall Bell Used In Hunger Games Inspired Game Show Shot At Island Park

Portage la Prairie, MB

Contestants are hoping the odds will ever be in their favour as they battle to the death to see who will win new kitchen appliances, luggage, airfare for two to Vancouver and $10,000 in cash.

The groundbreaking concept will not only be the first Canadian game show to involve participants putting their lives on the line to win fabulous prizes but it will the first in the world.

Inspired by the best-selling science fiction books and movies, The Hunger Games, Ultimate Eliminations brings the future to the present.

A local highlight will be the setting of Island Park acting as the stadium for the game and the use of the newly renovated City Hall bell as the signal when a contestant is eliminated.

The bell will replace the cannon from the novel and movies and add a Portage flair local officials are excited about.

“With the death element in this reality game show, Ultimate Elimination will put Portage on the map,” city spokesperson Kenny Books said.  “The City Hall bell has always reminded me of AC/DC’s Hell’s Bells so the tie-in to the game show should work great.”

The production is not without controversy with critics suggesting reality TV may have gone to far with the killing of contestants.  Fans of reality shows like Big Brother, The Apprentice and The Voice see the inclusion of death as an element of the show as something fresh, and are looking forward to it.

“This is the next step in the evolution of reality based game shows,” producer Ryan Coke said.  “Viewers are getting bored with the traditional contests and elimination of contestants.  Having people’s lives on the line should drive ratings back to levels we saw when the reality genre first launched.”

CIPP-TV and American networks are banking on the show being a ratings bonanza but giving it a prime time Sunday night slot.

“We’re hoping families will come together and watch,” Coke said.  “Most kills will happen off-screen but we won’t shy away from showing the bodies after, followed by a 45 second memorial tribute at the end of each show.”

Island Park will be shut down to the public for a one-month period starting next week and the City Hall bell will be ringing randomly as game show participants are killed off.

The winning player will be named an honorary citizen of Portage and be given a canoe and the key to the city.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the story not being real.  Its fiction, who would believe a game show, would be shot in Portage, c’mon.  The story and site are satire, fictional and complete nonsense created for the enjoyment of folks with a good sense of humour.  Chill fam.

Photo: Lucy Maude Ellis – https://www.flickr.com/photos/lucymaude/

Woman Fights Sister Over Proper Pronunciation of Tornadoes

Portage la Prairie, MB –

A family, and possibly an entire city, is divided over the pronunciation of a popular local restaurant and the disagreement is threatening to become physical.

Eunice Kehler and her sister Ethel Neudorf are threatening to punch each other’s lights out if they can’t agree on how to say their favorite restaurant’s name.

Every Saturday morning the Kehler and Neudorf families gather for a family breakfast.  Normally get togethers like this are happy, bonding times but for these Portagers a war is brewing.

At the heart of the debate is how to properly say the word “Tornadoes”.  And what seems like a small thing threatens to rip these families apart.

“I’m sick and tired of Ethel, David and David’s dopey brother Bernie saying it wrong,” Eunice Kehler explained.  “They try and make it sound all fancy by calling it ‘Tor-nah-does’.  Say it right you idiots!  It’s ‘Tor-nay-does’ for love of Pete.”

A dispute that could be categorized as “you say toe-may-toe, I say toe-mah-toe” is more like “you say po-tay-toe, I say po-tah-toe.”

“I’ve heard a lot of people in Portage call it ‘Tor-nah-does’ it just seems more classy to say it that way,” Ethel Neudorf said.  “Saying ‘Tor-nay-does’ is so unsophisticated.  Sound like a wind storm more than a high-end restaurant.”

Eunice Kehler had to be restrained last Saturday morning after the two woman began yelling and threatening each other over the discrepancy in the pronunciation.  Police responded but released both women after questioning.

Instead of taking his wife’s side, Henry Kehler prefers to take a more neutral stand.  “I pronounce it both ways,” he said.  “When we are just going out for breakfast with family I call it ‘Tor-nay-does’.  If we have out-of-town company out for supper I call it ‘Tor-nah-does’.  It really isn’t that big of a deal.”

“I took Ethel outside to show her the sign,” Kehler said.   “I asked her what that funnel on the logo was.  She said a tornado so I said what do you call more than one tornado.  She said ‘tor-nah-does’.”

The sister’s family fight has many in the City of Portage taking sides and there is an ever-widening gap between folks on each side of the debate.

“She says Portage right,” Kehler alleged.  “She doesn’t say ‘Por-tahg’ like she’s French.”

Neudorf was quick to point out, “You can pronounce Portage that way.  It’s not incorrect.  And besides, it sounds much prettier if we did.  Imagine if we all said ‘I eat at Tor-nah-does in Por-tahg la PraiRIE’.  That would be the best.”

Neudorf takes great exception to her sister’s view.  “Ether is so full of crap her eyes are brown.  This is a meat and potatoes, English-speaking town.  It’s not a fancy French town and we shouldn’t pretend it is just to trick people.”

A solution to the problem doesn’t appear to be available anytime soon so diners are advised to govern themselves accordingly while eating in the restaurant and to avoid the topic altogether.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – this is not real in a real sense.  It is fiction.  Click and read if you are still confused.

Photo: Daniel Simpson – https://www.flickr.com/photos/leinadsimpson/

Police Get Upper Hand In Combatting Crime Wave

Portage la Prairie, MB –

Portage is calling in the cavalry to battle the wave of recent serious crimes.

Police will be patrolling the streets of Portage in a new iron horse this weekend that is armed to the max.

There will be no need to call in back up when the force’s new addition is on the clock.  The former U.S. Army tank will retain all its original armaments and our local force will have access to a 120mm cannon and 50mm machine gun.

Plans are to have the police tank armed during all patrols and the force will have the option to shoot first and ask questions later.

“We’ve seen a spike in serious crime involving guns and vehicles,” spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “We also have no rules for path users.  The increased demand for enforcement called for the investment.”

Funding for the tank will come from the city’s reserve fund and money already put aside for a north end park.  The used tank, deemed as surplus by U.S. military officials, did see action in the war in Iraq.

Portage has become a destination for criminals from around Manitoba and police hope this purchase will put and end to the trend.

“We don’t think we’ll be a crime destination once we get the tank on the streets,” Froman said.  “We feel we finally have the upper hand when it comes to barricade situations and vehicular chases.”

CIPP-TV did put calls in to area criminals for comment but none returned our messages by press time.  Unreliable sources indicate some mid to low-level organized crime gangs are looking at purchasing helicopter gun-ships like the Boeing Apache to regain the upper hand.

Police are hoping to offer ride-alongs in the new battle tank that include arming civilians with assault rifles and them taking a turn on the machine gun.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional, satirical and ridiculous nature of this story and imaginary TV station that only exists on the internet.

Photo: U.S. Army public domain

Shart Week On CIPP-TV Portage la Prairie

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

Too afraid of sharts to go into the water?

The City of Portage la Prairie and local, hit TV station CIPP-TV are teaming up to present a week-long marathon of programming documenting a frightening phenomenon, the shart.

2873215984_c1de83b174_bPrevalent in the region, sharts are a terrifying and all too common problem for Portagers.  Media juggernaut, CIPP-TV and the City of Portage are hoping to exploit this regional problem for ratings and tourism gains.

Production crews have been working for months to create a week’s worth of programming dedicated to telling the story of the shart.

Often misunderstood and feared, the shart first appeared thousands of years ago and has evolved and thrived in the Central Plains area.  Although they should be respected the reality is you are more likely to be seriously harmed by a mosquito than a shart.

520604226_9308d37efe_bHere is a list of these can’t miss episodes airing this week.

  • “Shart Lair” – see where sharts live.
  • “Sharts of Darkness” – some say they are a mere myth while others believe the largest and most impressive sharts live hidden in the dark and only come out at night while we sleep.
  • “Don’t go into the water” – a Portage man tells of his ill-timed shart incident and fouling of local pool.
  • “Shart Attack” – a collection of Portage’s most alarming shart encounters resulting in injury.
  • “Deuces are Wild” – sharts in the wild are caught in their natural habitat.
  • “Shart Body Language” – what does the physical makeup of a shart tell us.
  • “Sharts – Predators or Prey?” – while some sharts hunt others are eaten.
  • “Sharts of Different Colours” – sharts come in a rainbow of colours that can tell us a lot about the shart and the sharter.
  • “Sharts – Maneater of Myth” – what is real and what is legend in the world of sharts.
  • “Sharts of Crescent Lake” – sharts that lurk in and around Portage’s lake.
  • “Great Shart Hunt” – go along with some of the best shart collectors.
  • “Great White Sharts” – albino sharts are the most dangerous but thankfully the most rare.  Discover what you have to eat to get white sharts and what underlying health problems are at work.
  • “Shart Cage” – camer crews get up close and personal with a variety of sharts.
  • “Sharts of the Red Triangle” – where is the Red Triangle and how does it make sharts more aggressive.
  • “Blood in the Water” – when the shart hits the fan and messes with hemorrhoids.

Tune in 7pm-10pm all week-long on CIPP-TV Channel 116.

Notice to reader/disclaimer – this site and story are fictional – that means it’s not real.  You are real, well at least we think you are real but what you are reading is not.  Wait a minute, does that mean because you just read this you are fictional as well?  Hold on, I’m confused.

Headline Photo: Gui Siez – https://www.flickr.com/photos/guiseiz/

Body Photo: Kingdom For A Donkey – https://www.flickr.com/photos/akingdomforadonkey/

Body Photo 2: Brendan Gray – https://www.flickr.com/photos/grayskull/

Rob Lowe Shaken By Wrestling Sasquatch Encounter In Portage

Long Plain First Nation, MB –

The truth is out there, at Long Plain First Nation and Rob Lowe experienced it first hand.

While shooting upcoming episodes of his new reality show, The Lowe Files, Rob Lowe came to Manitoba Canada to document the mysterious Big Foot at Long Plain.

Several months ago Lowe encountered the great wood ape in the Ozark Mountains while producing the new show with his two sons.  Shortly after, he was  contacted by Sasquatch enthusiasts about the Long Plain Sasquatch and its unique gift.

“I can’t believe we had never heard of it before,” Lowe said on location at the Keeshkeemaquah Conference and Gaming Centre.  “It was the most impressive and terrifying experience I’ve had on this show so far.”

The Lowe Files explore mysteries and paranormal phenomenon and will air Sundays this fall on CIPP-TV.

“What amazed me the most was how everyone around here is so nonchalant about the whole thing,” Lowe said.  “To have a trained wrestling Sasquatch like this is out of this world.”

The wrestling Sasquatch shows up for special events and Rob Lowe was added to the latest card to combat the elusive beast.

“You know when you see it all the time you just take it for granted I guess,” regular bingo fan Terryn Anderson offered.  “The first time I saw it I was like, whoa look at that!  But now I don’t get that excited.  He uses the same moves all the time.”

“We’ve known for a long time they like to wrestle,” promoter Todd Smoke explained.  “The first match we had he just walked out of the bush.  Everyone was scared at first but we realized right away he just likes wrestling.  If you put WWE on he’ll show up too.”

Lowe’s production crew collected some hair and DNA samples to compare it to what they gathered off the wood ape of the Ozarks.

The First Nation proudly displays a stuffed big foot in the lobby of the gaming and conference centre but sometimes hides it behind boxes or protective veil.  Bingo players for years have looked at for good luck.  Poker players sometimes consult it for advice.

“We came for the Big Foot but we heard so many crazy stories about this area we will be coming back to do more episodes.  I also want to come back because I was on a real hot streak at bingo.  I’ve never been so lucky.  Must be the Big Foot.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the fictional, satirical and nonsensical nature of this story, website and imaginary TV station.

Photo:  Brian Teutsch – https://www.flickr.com/photos/brianteutsch/

Splashing Banned From Splash Island

Portage la Prairie, MB –

If you thought a place called Splash Island would be okay with frisky frolicking, you’d be wrong.

New safety rules are in place to address an ongoing problem at Portage la Prairie’s premier water park.  There is a zero tolerance policy on splashing and aggressive frolicking.

“We have received more than eight complaints but not more than ten,” spokesperson and safety officer Susy Rempel said.  “We couldn’t ignore the risk factor of eye irritation and the chance of injury.”

Besides complaints rooted in safety concerns, Splash Island has received concerns from people not wanting to get their hair wet or makeup destroyed by people frolicking irresponsibly.

Lifeguards will be on the look out for anyone splashing water intentionally or unintentionally and those using the water slides will have to exit them slow enough to avoid a splash.

“Users will have to adjust their sliding to make sure those in the pool and deck area are not impacted with water to the body and face,” Rempel said.

A non-local security firm will provide additional enforcement and will physically remove violators from the complex and call police for pickup.

“This is serious,” Rempel emphasized.  “Our insurance company will not cover us unless we put rules in place to eliminate splashing.  If you think about it, you’ll agree it’s not a safe thing to do anyway.”

CIPP-TV questioned continuing with the name Splash Island when the practice was no longer allowed.

“We don’t see any contradiction in continuing with the name,” Rempel said.  “It’s Splash Island not splash pool.  If it was called splash pool we’d have to change the name but Splash Island indicates splashing on land which isn’t really possible.”

The justification for keeping the name raises further questions as to the rationale behind the name Splash Island when it is in fact a pool and water slide park and not an island.  This fact is further compounded by the reality the water-plex is not even on an Island but an isthmus.  Perhaps re-naming it to Don’t Splash Isthmus Water Park would make more sense.

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the true nature of this story and web site being fictional in origin and humorous in intent.

Photo: Nicola – https://www.flickr.com/photos/15216811@N06/