Hockey fans make players better by yelling at them

Winnipeg Fans’ Yelling, Opinions & Knowledge Help Jets Win

Winnipeg, MB –

It turns out yelling at your favourite team can make them play better.  At least, the Winnipeg Jets are admitting comments and advice offered by fans has made a huge difference for them this year.

“We don’t like to admit it but all that yelling during games and opinions on call in shows and social media really help the us play better,” team player spokesperson Evan Watson said.

Jet players admit that hearing fans yell “shoot”, “hit ‘em”, “pass the puck” and “skate” allow them make immediate improvements to their game allowing them to post an excellent record this year.

“I had no idea how good my shot was until I heard a fan tell me to shoot the puck during my first game as a Jet,” Patrik Laine shared.

“Before I came to Winnipeg I didn’t know I had to skate hard,” Blake Wheeler said.  “Thanks to the fans I’m no longer slow and ineffective.”

Jets defenceman, Dustin Byfuglien noted the fans improved his game.  “I knew I was bigger than most of the guys on the ice but before I heard a Winnipeg fan yell at me to hit, I had no idea I was good at it.  Now most teams are afraid of me.”

The Jets site in-game advice as the biggest difference in their play but also credit radio call-in comments and opinions shared on social media as big helps in making the team better.

“Chevy and Paul spend many hours a day sorting through all the suggestions and advice,” Watson said.  “Without them, I’m not sure where we would be today.”

“I’ve had great coaching and played at the highest level possible most of my life but it is amazing how much more the fans know than us,” Mark Scheifele said.  “I mean we play hockey for a living and a guy with three games of junior B, thirty years ago knows more than our head coach.  I’m not sure where we would be if they kept all that knowledge to themselves.”

“I listen to every call-in show and read all the social media feeds and I am humbled by the hockey wisdom out there,” Head Coach Paul Maurice said.  “I’m glad most of these people were too busy to put in an application when they hired me as head coach.  I know Mark Chipman could replace me tomorrow with any number of these folks.”

“Well, it is incredible when you hear a person comment after watching the play once or seeing the highlights with such insight,” Kevin Cheveldayoff explained.  “We watch hours of video from several camera angles and completely miss what some random fan picks up on.  I only wish I could notice things that quickly.”

Jets’ ownership and management are also thankful for the direction from the fans.  “I had no idea how to run a hockey team until the fans started sharing with me,” owner Mark Chipman said.  “To be honest I didn’t know much about running a business either.  If it weren’t for the constant and consistent comments from fans, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I’m truly grateful.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  While the Winnipeg Jets and the members of the organization mentioned are real, they are used in a fictional way to create a satirical piece of fiction.  That means this story is not real.  Please read and share responsibly.  If you thought this was real, well, perhaps you should seek out some professional help immediately.

Photo Credit: S S


Man Hopes Wife’s “Sexier” Clothes & Free Swag Will Get Kid On Hockey Team

Portage la Prairie, MB –

SPECIAL REPORT: for “Get The Puck Out” Saturdays at 5:30pm on CIPP-TV Channel 116

Hockey try-out season is well under way and a local dad has come up with what he believes is a sure-fire plan to help his kid make it this year.

After missing the final cuts the last two years, Jerry Nelson is determined to see his son Tyler make the triple A team this year.

“I know that Ty is a bubble player so I’ll have to do what it takes this year,” Jerry Nelson said.  “I’ve learned what goes into the coaches final picks so we’ll be prepared this year.”

Nelson has informed the coaching staff about the team swag he has ordered and plans on donating if his kid is selected.

“I’ve got hats, hoodies, jackets, toques, hockey bags, skate guards and back packs with team logos all on order,” Nelson offered.  “The coaches and parents of the top kids know I’ll donate all of it once Ty makes the team.”

The hockey dad is not limiting his lobbying efforts to the other players and has solicited his wife’s help in getting Tyler on the team.  The move to send his wife for a makeover and buy her a new wardrobe of “sexier” clothes is drawing criticism from many.

“We all know coaches pick bubble kids based on how hot the mom is,” Nelson explained.  “Irene was fine with getting a make-over and wearing sexier clothes around the rink if it helps Ty make the team.”

Nelson is not stopping at bribing the team and objectifying his wife.  He plans to pay-off coaches to get his son on the team.

“Let’s just say I let the coaches know that my company will sponsor the team in special ways.  We will cover all their hotel rooms and make sure they get some gift cards to their favorite restaurants every week,” Nelson explained.

When contacted, the coaching staff declined to comment on the record whether Mr. Nelson’s efforts would gain Tyler a spot on the team.  An anonymous source close to the team indicated the coaching staff has noticed Mrs. Nelson’s new clothes and makeover.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – please click here to read more about this story and website being fictional and satirical.  This is not real.  It is also not fake news intended to trick anyone.  It is humour intended to entertain.  Read, share and enjoy responsibly.

Photo: Jamin Gray –

City Bans Hockey & Most Sports To Protect Kids From Concussions

Portage la Prairie, MB – 

One small Canadian city is taking a big stand to protect its children from catastrophic brain injuries by replacing hockey with yoga.

Starting with hockey, Portage la Prairie is passing laws to have all contact sports, and all sports where accidental contact could occur, banned for those under 18 years old.

“Hockey is by far the most dangerous sport in the world for concussions,” Henrietta Walker said.  “Because of the speed, hardness of the ice boards and goal posts, even with no body checking ,the sport is a hot-bed for brain trauma.  It must be stopped.”

The move comes at the urging of Dr. Omalu the neuropathologist who originally coined the term Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy or CTE.  Omalu is the author of ‘Truth Doesn’t Have a Side’ and was the inspiration behind the movie ‘Concussion’.

“There is no justifiable reason whatsoever why a child under the age of 18 should continue to play these games,” Dr. Omalu said in a recent interview.

Omalu warns that children receiving repeated blows to the head can suffer degenerative brain disease, memory loss, depression, suicide and makes them more likely to die before 42.

Since the risk of concussion increases with speed and contact, all children under 18 are restricted from playing hockey and football starting immediately, along with all forms of cycling, but the preventative measures will go farther.

“Any sport where you have children running, jumping, chasing and hitting or throwing balls at one another makes them vulnerable to a head and brain injury,” city official Henrietta Walker said.  “By winter, we will have a ban in place for all sports.  Minor sports, school sports, they will all be gone by Christmas.  They are just too dangerous.”

The ban will have major implications for school physical education courses and the school division is scrambling to adapt the curriculum to restrict running, jumping, throwing and any activity that increases the risk of concussion.

“You have to ask yourself, do you love your children more than these sports?” Walker said.  “Today, Portage is taking a stand for the children by opposing these violent and dangerous sports.  It’s a proud moment.”

Basketball, volleyball, martial arts, soccer, lacrosse, tennis, baseball, softball, dodgeball, pickle ball, ultimate frisbee, curling, track and field, golf, and even badminton will be completely forbidden within the city limits.  The committee will evaluate other activities like canoeing, kayaking, in-line skating, figure skating to determine if they are safe enough or if they should be done away with as well.

“We can’t be too careful when it comes to protecting our children’s minds,” Walker said.  “Helmets on kids while they are awake is being studied in Sweden.  Once those results are in we might move in that direction as well.”

The school division is looking at introducing various yoga and tai chi programs to help fill the void left by the sports.  Educators are hopeful a form of virtual reality adapted sports will be available soon for Phys. Ed. Programs.

“Dancing might be safe enough,” Walker added.  “As long as it wasn’t too vigorous and there is enough distance between participants so that contact won’t occur.  Pairs dancing would require a helmet because of the increased tripping hazard.”

Stationary exercise equipment is being purchased but will have added safety features like padding, safety harnesses and, of course, helmets.

Watch “Get The Puck Out” on CIPP-TV Channel 116 for more information as it is avaiable.

Notice to readers/disclaimers – click here to read more about this story and entire website being satire and fiction.  Please consume and share responsibly.  Work hard.   Play safe.  Wear a condom.  Strap on a helmet.

Photo:  Mike Mauno –

Jets to Adopt Name & Winning Tradition of Portage Terriers – Portage Now Ruff Riders

Winnipeg, MB –

The Winnipeg Jets made a splash before free agent frenzy by taking the whole organization in a new, winning direction.

After years of the Jets 2.0 repeating the same history as the NHL Jets 1.0, True North decided it was time for a big change in hopes of improving their fate.

Switching the name of a professional sports team is a serious endeavour, but the Jets only had to look west down the Trans Canada Highway to Portage la Prairie for inspiration – and a name.

Starting next season, the Winnipeg Jets will be known as the Winnipeg Terriers, taking on the name and logo of the provinces most winning hockey team of the last two decades.

While the Jets moniker had nostalgic value, the name seemed to be cursed, with the team never achieving any playoff success.  The Terrier brand comes with an aura of a champion and implies hockey excellence that will hopefully transfer into the big league.

Now without a name, the Portage junior hockey team, and reigning league champion, is considering taking on a traditional football name, the Ruff Riders.  The switch to the Ruff Riders tag would fit nicely with the green and white colour scheme of the team and the tradition of solid fan support.  Portage la Prairie’s main street is also named Saskatchewan Avenue.  The use of “Ruff” is a tie-in to the terrier dog of the past and will be worked into the new logo.

Reports suggest the Winnipeg Jets were also considering the Wheat Kings name as an option but felt the Terrier brand had a bigger cache and there was a conflict with the NHL Los Angeles Kings.

We will have more information on the updated jerseys of both teams as it is available.


notice to readers/disclaimer.

Photo: Braydon M:

Local NHL Draft Pick Says Coach’s Cliches Helped Him Make It

Portage la Prairie, MB –

It was an emotional moment when Owen Spence heard his name called at the NHL Draft in Chicago.  The Portage product was taken in the fifth round, 129th overall, and was quick to acknowledge his minor hockey coach for being the reason he made it.

“I can’t believe I got drafted in the NHL,” Owen Spence said.  “I want to thank my parents and give a huge shout out to my peewee coach Shaun Hammerlick.  Every time I play I can still hear Coach Hammer’s voice in my head telling me what to do.  He only coached me for one year but he made me the player I am today.”

Shaun Hammerlick was an unlikely mentor, having played only two games of junior B hockey in his hockey career.  He stepped up in Spence’s peewee year to coach when it became obvious it was the only way he could secure ice time for his own son.

“Owen is a great kid.  Helluva defenceman.  He played with my son Zach that whole peewee year.  Zach got a lot of assists setting him up.  I think they set some kind of record for most points by d-men at that level.  Zach was probably a little better but he had bad knees or he could have made the NHL too.”

Hammerlick credits himself for teaching Spence how to skate, shoot, pass, hit, and employ proper gap control and stick position all in one year.  Spence went on to be coached by some of the province’s top coaches and participated in the program of excellence and U-17 Team Canada but all those coaches took a back seat to Hammerlick.

“Anytime I get caught up ice and the puck goes the other way I can hear Coach Hammer yelling ‘Get back!’ Spence explained.  “When a forward would come into our end he would yell ‘Take ‘Em’ or ‘Hit ‘Em!’  He’d even encourage me to ‘wheel’ when I’d get the puck in open ice.  He knew what to do in every situation.  He is a real inspiration.”

“On the power play you could hear his voice above all the fans telling me to shoot and then swear if I missed the net,” Spence said.

Spence and Hammerlick’s paths took different directions after that peewee year with Spence going the AAA route and Hammerlick staying in house-league with his son.

“Owen is a solid player,” Hammerlick said.  “I know how hard it is to make that higher level.  I always told the kids before the game about the time I got called up to junior B from the high school team.  Then I’d remind them to get pucks deep and back check hard.  I can see it made the difference in Owen’s game.”

Disclaimer/notice to readers.

Photo: Bill Heyman:

Marshall Law: Sports Director

Sports Director:  Marshall Law.  Marshall is a former CFL player and is affectionately called “The Bone Head” by most of his friends.  After his successful playing career was cut short by concussion related symptoms, Marshall began doing sports radio.  He is thrilled to be moving to the bright lights of television, as long as they don’t give him headaches.  If the lights become a problem Marshall will be seen wearing sunglasses while doing his nightly sports round up.  Originally, a Hamilton boy, he feels adjusting to a small town will be easy after his time with the Regina Roughriders.

Click here to read all about MBN News@6 and News@11:  MBN News show description.


Complete Local Hockey Coverage – Get The Puck Out!

Get the Puck Out – Sports Director, Marshall Law, will go deep on the local hockey scene.  Stories on the up and coming prospects, following the careers of local pros and reminiscing with retired vets will pack a half-hour every weekend.

CIPP will pump a ton of money and resources into this show because the owner, Ryan Coke, loves hockey and we have a shot at syndicating the show to a national broadcaster because hockey rules in Canada.

Click here to read Marshall Laws profile.