Curling is now officially the whitest sport in the world

Curling Surpasses Hockey To Become Whitest Sport In The World

WINNIPEG, MB –

The Curling Collective of Canada is celebrating a major victory with the announcement their sport has surpassed hockey for the first time to become the whitest sport on the planet.

For decades, curling was as white as winter but it finally took the moderate colorization of hockey to allow it to take top spot on the list.

“The roots of curling are in some of the palest and blandest places on the planet making it more than white, I would almost describe it as putrid,” Canadian Curling Collective President Barb McAvoy said.  “It started in Scotland and is now primarily played in Northern Europe, the Canadian Prairies and rural parts of Canada’s East Coast.  I doubt you can get much whiter than that.”

Despite making inroads in Japan, China and Korea the vast majority of participants and fans remain overwhelmingly white.  Curling fans still generally fawn over, and make a big deal about, teams from East Asia and quite often will cheer for them to win.

“For sure our fans still see Asian teams as a bit of a novelty, but that will change when they start beating the teams from traditional white regions,” McAvoy said.  “It’s just a matter of time before Asian teams start dominating the sport because in countries like Japan, China and Korea they are taking to curling like white on rice.”

The CCC is unsure why curling is so popular with white people, although they appreciate the uniqueness of their crowds at live events.  “We like to call a full house a “blizzard” because they are so white and full of energy,” McAvoy shared.

Rounding out this year’s list was hockey at number two, followed by speed skating, cross-country skiing, cycling, bowling, figure skating and down-hill skiing.  Long-time list makers, tennis and golf, were both dropped from this years list.

McAvoy feels that curling should remain at or near the top for a long-time since the sport is years away from having African, South American or Middle-Eastern representation in any significant numbers.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the whole low down and further legal information on the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  Curling is real, it is pretty white but there is no real list of whitest sports.  That is crazy and obviously made up.  Curling is made of up fine and tolerant people who just happen to be mostly white.  Curling is a winter sport and generally, the only people dumb enough to live in those harsh environments are white.  This website and fictional television station are not racist against white or any other people group nor are we opposed to curling specifically or in general.

Photo Credit – Derek Hatfield

Advertisements
The National Hockey League bans fighting for players and opens it up for fans

NHL Bans Fighting For Players, Opens It Up For Hockey Fans

NEW YORK, NY – Exclusive to “Get The Puck Out”

In a bold move to modernize the National Hockey League, Commissioner Gary Bettman announced starting next season fighting will be banned for players but measures will be put in place to allow fans to fight while attending games.

“Today we address two major issues for the National Hockey League,” Gary Bettman said.  “Player safety is paramount in light of what we know but mostly ignore about CTE.  Furthermore, our fans are demanding more from their NHL in-game experience, and to provide the ultimate fan engagement, we will be allowing select fans the chance to fight on behalf of their team during NHL contests.”

The League and Board of Governors are establishing the Fan Fury Festival in every NHL arena, an opportunity for fans to battle UFC style for their favourite team and take over the pugilism from the players.

“It no longer makes sound financial sense for our players, who are all multi-millionaires to put their bodies at risk of injury.  We have a pool of willing fans, who are worth far less than NHL players, wanting to put their health and safety on the line for the team,” Bettman explained.

A fighting cage will be retro-fitted in each rink to allow fans to fight in response to a dirty hit, a cheap shot, taunting, chirping or if their team is not playing well and needs a lift.  A fan representing each team will pay extra for the chance to fight and will be placed in the cage to duke it out in a ninety second match broadcast in-house on the scoreboard video screen as well as on NHL partner broadcasts.

Games will pause for the duration of the fight and the players will be encouraged to watch the fight on the centre ice screens and draw inspiration and energy from the battling fans.

“In today’s NHL, fans travel to road games more than ever,” Bettman offered.  “This will add a dynamic new element to the game and encourage more out-of-town visits from travelling fans, and a new level of interaction with the game, currently unheard of in professional sport.

Fans around the league are overwhelmingly positive about the announcement to move fighting off the ice and away from the players to the stands and amongst the fans.

“I can hardly wait to pay for the chance to punch a Flyers fan in the face,” Winnipeg Jets fan Benjamin Froese said.  “Home or away, it won’t matter to me.  I’d love to bloody that ugly orange jersey.”

“It only makes sense to protect performers making millions a year from hurting themselves in a fight when you have an abundance of low-life, low-value fans who can do it for them,” Toronto Maple Leafs fan Irving Wallace said.

“This is the best idea the NHL has ever had,” Montreal fan Claude Burns said.  “This takes the seventh man to a whole new level.  I can hardly wait until the Bruins come to town next year.”

Local team websites have been inundated with inquiries from fans wanting to know when they can sign up and pay for the new ultimate game experience.

“I’d pay you double what my season tickets are if you give me a chance to kick a Calgary Flames fan’s ass,” Edmonton Oiler fan Bernie Webber offered.  “I’d fight to help my team win, and so I could beat the crap out of somebody without getting arrested.”

Initial cost per round of Fan Fury Festival is rumoured to be $1,200 per participant but the NHL is waiting to gauge market reaction before setting ticket prices as high as possible but the totals will not be included in hockey related revenues.

“This will be a premium product offering, so it would make sense that it will carry a premium price,” Bettman warned.  “We never wanted to take fighting out of hockey so this is a great way to preserve the traditions of our great and storied league while advancing it into the future.

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure, explanation and links to further legal notifications.  Basically they are there to make sure you understand this story and website are completely fictional and primarily satirical.  While the NHL, mentioned teams, and Gary Bettman are real the story and quotes are completely fictional, made up and perhaps funny and intended for the entertainment of the tens if not dozens of people who read this site on a daily basis.  Please don’t try to trick your friends on social media into thinking this is real as they may grow to distrust and dislike you when they tell their buddy at the game this idea is for real.  Most people will realize the NHL would never to anything this silly but for the rest of the people holding out for a cure for stupid we provide a long-winded and silly disclaimer.

Photo credit – Mark Mauno

Junior B team tries to run goalie after getting down by 9

Junior B Hockey Team Tries To Win Game By Running Opposition Goalie When Down By 9 

ST. CLAUDE, MB –

The St. Claude Voyageurs of the Manitoba Junior B Hockey League sent a strong and clear message last night in a game they lost 11-1 to the Roland Pumpkin Express.  With only three minutes left in the second period Pumpkin Express forward and captain Gord Klassen rifled a shot past St. Claude goalie Mark Toth to put Roland up 9-0.  Following the ensuing faceoff Voyageur right-winger Josh Wexford took the puck hard to the net, intentionally knocking Roland goalie Peter Schroeder to the ice while sending the net flying.

“I wanted to get my team fired up, get them going, get us back in the game,” Josh Wexford told C.I.P.P. TV’s “Get The Puck Out” after the game.  “We needed a spark so I did what I could.”

Wexford found himself on the losing end of a fight and saddled with a 3 game suspension.

“Wexy was a real team player,” Voyageur Head Coach Brian Hannah said.  “We got down 9-0 and needed to try to get us back in the game.”

Voyageur coaches and players were unable to explain how hitting a vulnerable goalie would help them get back in a game they had no chance to win, leading many to speculate the move was just one of spite and revenge.

“Sure we had fewer shots than they did goals by that point but I like Wexy’s heart and thirst to win.  He has great compete,” Hannah said.  “The only thing we were trying to get even was the score.”

The controversial move did result in St. Claude breaking Schroeder’s shutout bid with Jacques Brouseau scoring on a breakaway late in the third period when Roland was no longer even trying and playing mostly third and forth line players.

“I think we really showed the hometown fans and the league what we’re all about,” Hannah said.  “It’s doesn’t matter if it’s 1-0 or 9-0 we’ll capable of doing whatever it takes to win.”

With only 2 wins so far this season St. Claude has certainly shown they regularly don’t show up to play until the score is out of hand and they have no chance to win.  A point coach Hannah disagrees with.

“You never know.  That could have been the spark to help us score ten goals in under 25 minutes of hockey,” Hannah pointed out.  A task they haven’t been able to accomplish in over three seasons having only scored a maximum of 4 goals in any one game in that time.

St. Claude has tried running the opposition players from behind, sucker punching, squirting Gatorade at the refs and delivering vicious two-handers over opposing player’s heads all in hopes of coming back from being down by large amounts.

“We are really trying to work with these young men and install in them the type of character it takes to win in hockey,” Hannah said.  “This isn’t kiddie play time, this is Junior B hockey and our players know what’s on the line.”

Rarely, if ever, do Junior B players older than 17 ever make to professional levels of hockey so at best, the majority of St. Claude’s players will go on to play Senior hockey and recreational beer leagues.

“Part of our recruiting pitch is that we have a long list of players who have gone on to a few senior leagues around the province and many more who have become stars on their late-night beer league teams,” Hannah explained.  “Our boys really get the drinking beer thing down during their time with us.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  You really shouldn’t need an explanation to realize this story is fictional.  Fictional means made up in case you were about to google the word fictional.  But by all means read the disclaimer and then read the additional legal information if you are confused at all.  We created these links because scientist have failed to find a cure for stupid.  Until they do we are forced to treat the symptoms with explanations like this.  Ya.

Photo Credit – Mark Mauno

Patrik Laine's cousin explains Laine's Mennonite beard

Patrik Laine’s Cousin Explains Reason Behind Mennonite Beard

TAMPERE, FINLAND –

Patrik Laine’s cousin Kimmo Laine has finally provided a rationale to Patrik’s bearded face that has perplexed Winnipeg Jets hockey fans.

It turns out Laine’s connection to Manitoba goes much deeper than being drafted second overall in 2016 by the Winnipeg Jets. According to Kimmo Laine the Laine family is up to a quarter Mennonite and have distant relatives in Southern Manitoba.

Patrik Laine's Cousin Kimmo Laine have Mennonite connection
Kimmo Laine explains the connection Patrik Laine and his family have to Manitoba Mennonites

“Our great-grandmother’s parents were Klaus and Leena Wiebe who immigrated to Finland from Prussia,” Kimmo Laine explained.  “Leena was originally a Neufeld and the other Wiebes and Neufelds went to Canada.”

Patrik’s beard took many hockey fans off guard this year, after he struggled to produce facial hair at all during his rookie season.

“Ya, Patty’s moustache was pretty dirty last year,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was trying but not much was happening.”

According to Kimmo, the Wiebe and Neufeld families are renowned for their blonde and red beards.

“Most Laines can grow pretty sick beards,” Kimmo shared.  “The men usually keep theirs but the women try to get rid of theirs.”

The same line of Wiebes and Neufelds ended up settling in the Lowe Farm and Winkler areas of Manitoba and are distant relatives of Patrik Laine’s family.

“Patty was able to track down a bunch of second cousins from the Wiebe book his mom has,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He was pretty excited to find out he was related to the founders of Winkler Bible Camp and the Co-op in Lowe Farm.”

“The Neufeld side is a little more sketchy so Patty’s mom told him to shy away from them,” Laine offered.

*Stats Show Patrik Laine’s Mom Part Of Growing Trend Of Mothers Driving Adult Children Around*

Patrik Laine has managed to skip out to the Winkler and Plum Coulee area for a family gathering over the Christmas break and has been seen eating sunflower seeds and New Year’s cookies in the Jets’ locker room.  Laine is rumoured to be an exceptional crokinole player with a mastery of scoring twenties.

“The beard has really made him a rock star in Winkler and Southern Manitoba.  A lot of people still don’t have cable TV down there so they don’t recognize him right away,” Kimmo Laine said.  “With that beard I don’t think it would matter who he was he would still get swarmed by folks down there.  His girlfriend, Sanna, gets a little jealous when all the single Mennonite girls toss their bonnets at him.”

Laine has shied away from discussing his Mennonite heritage in the media in attempts to remain humble.

“In private he’s pretty stoked about his Menno-beard,” Kimmo Laine said.  “He doesn’t want any extra attention so he keeps his Mennonite roots under wraps.  James Reimer and Patty have talked a bit about the added pressure of growing up Mennonite so they have a special bond off the ice.”

When CIPP-TV hit the streets of Winkler they found Laine was more famous for his beard and crokinole skills than he was for hockey.

“I’ve seen a lot of guys score goals in the NHL but I’ve never seen anyone sink crokinole twenties like he can,” Peter Dyck said.  “Oba yo that beard is something else too,” he added.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website.  While Patrik Laine, the Winnipeg Jets and sadly Patrik Laine’s beard are real the rest of the story is a work of fiction.  For those of you with a loose grasp on reading comprehension, that means it is made up, not real, fanciful, intended for entertainment and overall jolliness.  This story, the website and authors are not being, nor are they capable of being serious about this or most other things.  If you are feeling nauseous please look away the feeling should pass.

Photo credit – Dave Stone

Senior Hockey Star for Oakville Seals gets try out with Winnipeg Jets

Local Senior Hockey Star Gets NHL Shot With Injury To Winnipeg Jets’ Scheifele

PORTAGE LA PRAIRIE, MB –

Rinks around Southern Manitoba are buzzing over the prospect of a star player from our own backyard getting a shot at the NHL.

When the Winnipeg Jets lost one of their top players to injury, Tyler Murray was poised to make the most the opportunity.

“I’ve been dedicated to getting better and refining my game just in case something like this would happen,” Murray explained.  “Even though I was never drafted I felt if I worked hard I could be one of those late bloomers who make it.”  Murray was passed over in the bantam draft for the WHL and MJHL and never heard his name called in either of his NHL draft years.

A star in Portage Minor Hockey, regional AAA teams, high school, the Keystone Junior B Hockey League, Manitoba Junior Hockey League and Manitoba Major Junior Hockey League, Murray has increased his offensive output and learned to be a two hundred foot player while playing for several Senior A teams over the last four years.

“Right now I’m averaging about 1.4 goals per game and I’m like a plus 20 or something,” Murray said of his current season with the Oakville Seals of the Central Senior Hockey League.  “I feel I’m playing my best hockey right now.”

Coaches and team mates agree Murray is ready to make the jump from Senior hockey to the NHL.

“We have lots of guys in our league who have been junior stars and a few who have played pro and right now Murr is the best player in the league and the biggest pain in the ass,” Player/Coach Robert Morse said.  “During the last NHL lock out we had a couple of NHLers play with us and Murray is just as good as them and he doesn’t stop telling us.”

While Murray has not yet signed a professional try out contract with the Jets, he is confident he’ll get a look to replace the Jet’s injured top centre.

The Winnipeg Jets confirmed they have not been in talks with Murray about a try out or contract but Murray isn’t worried as he hopes to get something done with the club over the next couple days.

“They practise out of the Ice-Plex in Headingley so I’ve booked ice right before their next practice,” Murray shared.  “Once they see what I can do I’ll likely just stick around for their practice and go from there.”

“Right now I’m a UFA(unrestricted free agent) so I can demand a lot on the open market,” Murray said.  “I’m pretty sure the Jets will be fair with me.”

The development arc for Murray has been impressive.  In AAA bantam for the Central Plains Capitals he put up a mere 12 points in 37 games, but by the time he made the Portage High School team he put up 27 points in 24 games.  From there he was invited to Junior A camps but opted for the Manitoba Major Junior League’s Pembina Thrashers before being traded to the Stonewall Jets.  Despite being held pointless in his first full season he managed to find a spot with the Neepawa Natives of the Manitoba Junior Hockey League where he put up 25 goals in 50 games.  The following season he split his time between St. Malo of the KJHL and River East of the MMJHL.  A veteran of almost every hockey league in Manitoba, Murray feels the adversity has prepared the 25 year-old for what is next.

“While other guys my age slow down and stop working out, I’ve ramped it up.  I train 12 months a year and I rent my own ice 6 times a week.  That’s why I’m so sick.”

The Oakville Seals will miss their rising star if he makes the big club.

“With him in the line up we’re pretty good,” team-mate Bradley Posner said.  “Most of the guys don’t really give a shit if we win, but Murr is always going a hundred and twenty per cent.  He kind of belongs at a higher level with that type of mindset.  I get tired of listening to him chisel points so the break will be nice.”

“Sure I like to win,” Murray said.  “But in senior hockey, a lot of times it’s the team that is sober who wins so a lot of the time I just go out for points.”

“I put together a little highlight package of my better goals this year and I’ll give that to Chevy(Jets G.M. Kevin Cheveldayoff) and Paul(Jets Head Coach Paul Maurice) after I skate with them but they probably won’t need it.  I’ve been watching their goalies on TV and I’m pretty sure I can exploit them in pracky.”

“I’d love to make the NHL,” Murray shared.  “Not only would it be a dream to play in the best league in the world but it would almost one hundred per cent guarantee I could find a really hot girlfriend.”

CIPP-TV’s “Get The Puck Out” will be following Murray’s progress with the Jets and provide viewers with updates.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the satirical and fictional nature of this story and website.  Fiction and Satire are generally sure-fire signs the story is made up and not real.  You’re smart though and already figured that out.  Good for you but this is for the dumb people out there who think Donald Trump and Facebook are real.

Photo Credit:  https://www.flickr.com/photos/mark6mauno/32445922024/in/album-72157679433615780/

Former MJHL hockey star desperately asks "Do you know who I am?"

Barely Recognizable Former Junior Hockey Star Resorts To Using “Do You Know Who I Am”

CARMAN, MB –

He lit up the Manitoba Junior Hockey League for three years as a Portage Terrier and Winkler Flyer, putting up records for goals scored and total points but that was over twenty years and seventy pounds ago and Jesse Anderson is finding it harder to find people who remember his glory days.

“I pretty much dominated the M.J. for three solid years,” Anderson said.  “I averaged over a goal a game and got two rings.  The women wanted to be with me and the men wanted to be me.”

Time has not been kind to the once dominate athlete and fewer people remember the former superstar’s exploits.  In his prime, Anderson could walk into any restaurant or bar in Portage la Prairie or his hometown of Carman and be showered with praise and freebies.

“I don’t think I paid for a drink or a meal for a good ten years,” Anderson recalled.  “I’d get deals on everything from cars to groceries just by showing people my rings and letting them hang out with me.”

Anderson still plays hockey, albeit at a slower pace for the local senior hockey team but he is a shadow of his former self.

“Jesse tells us before every game how he scored over two hundred goals in the M.J.” senior hockey teammate Brian Handford said.  “He can barely skate anymore and we have to set him up in front of the net for him to get a goal.  Most games we healthy scratch him but some of the guys feel sorry for him so he gets in every three or four games.”

Anderson sees his current hockey career a little differently than the rest of his team.

“I help the senior team out when I can.  I’m more of a playing coach and mentor,” Anderson explained.  “They use me as a power play expert but I’m pretty busy with work so I can’t get to as many games as I would like.”

“He shows up every game with his gear, even if we text him to tell him his not dressing,” Handford said.  “He usually tears up when we tell him he can’t play.”

Anderson’s invisibility on the ice extends to his regular life and he has found it hard to cope.

“Last week I was at a restaurant in town and the waitress gave me the bill,” Anderson said.  “I gave her a sly wink and said ‘Don’t you know who I am?”

It turns out she had no idea who Jesse Anderson was or is.

“This fat old guy was trying to hit on me and he started to flip out when I told him I didn’t know who he was or care,” 21 year-old professional server Olivia Thomas said.  “My boss said he kinda remembered him but he was such an arrogant jerk.”

Faced with having to buy his own meals and paying full price for everything Anderson points to what he feels the problem is.

“You know nowadays they just don’t teach enough history.  Kids should be taught about my record-setting career in school it would give them something to work toward and dream about.”

Anderson admits it has been years since any woman, other than his wife, has been impressed by his hockey prowess and the day of the free meal might be over.

“I know it’s kind of in the past,” Anderson said.  “I still find it hard to believe that more people don’t know who I am.  My record still stands and I’m in the Manitoba Hockey Hall of Fame.”

Despite repeated offers to take us on a tour of the Hall of Fame to show us his display CIPP-TV declined and opted to quickly end the interview.  Anderson has sent the station numerous emails of newspaper clippings and stat sheets from his time in junior hockey but we graciously declined to publish them.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional state of this story and website.  That means it’s not real, duh.

Photo Credit: Steam Pipe Truck Distribution Venue

Carman Manitoba hosts singles event featuring cougars and beavers

Local Single Man Seeking Romance Travels To Carman To See Cougars & Beavers

CARMAN, MB –

Portager Billy Neepawa signed up online for a singles mixer event in Carman Manitoba hoping to find love but came home alone after watching the goalie get pulled twice in one day.

The singles ad promised a “fun, friendly and relaxed atmosphere” for area singles to get together and watch the Carman Cougars followed by the Beavers.  Neepawa was excited about having an event of this nature so close to home.

“The ad said we would watch the Cougars play in the afternoon and the Beavers in the evening,” Neepawa shared.  “I thought, wow!  This is pretty progressive for a small town like Carman.”

Mr. Neepawa spent most of Saturday morning grooming and washing himself up for the big event.

“It took me quite a while to shave and shower cause it had been a while.  Then I had to find my best plaid shirt.  I put a lot of effort into this.”

“All the ad said was the event was happening at 44 Ed Belfour Drive in Carman so I Google mapped it and took off,” Neepawa said.

When Neepawa arrived he was disappointed to find himself at the Carman Arena being charged 6 dollars to get into a Zone IV high school hockey game between Portage and Carman.

“The Cougars really gave the Trojans all they could handle,” Neepawa said.  “The Trojans were lucky to get out of there in one piece.  Portage was down by a couple and pulled the goalie but Carman got an empty netter.”

Neepawa says he wasn’t that impressed with the collection of local singles in attendance.

“There was your regular selection of religious girls in skirts, pale dudes with bad haircuts and a few gender neutrals with braces,” Neepawa explained.  “I did connect with a nice lady from St. Claude who works at an automated dairy barn but she was allergic to the cat hair on my clothes.”

While the numbers of singles increased for the Beavers game in the evening, Neepawa was still left wanting.

“The Beavers were playing the Maroons but it felt like I was being played the moron for coming to this thing,” Neepawa lamented.

The singles mixer saw a large influx of available twenty-somethings from the Altona area but Neepawa was iced from most conversations.

“The Altona chicks were pretty cute but all they could talk about was the amazing college and careers event they went to last night at the MCC Church.  No one was interested in my cats and tales of Portage la Prairie.”

Neepawa says he will not give up on his quest for love and hopes to connect with a hipster singles group in the city soon.

“I think they might find a quirky cat guy from Portage kind of intriguing.  I’ll just have to get all the cat hair of my clothes before I go.”

 

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the satirical nature of this story and website.  Both are fictional.  Fictional means “made up” or “not real”.  If you really have to read the full disclaimer to understand this story is just for fun and not real you may have to seek out further help and counselling and we feel sad for you but wish you the best.

 

Photo Credit – Gregg O’Connell