Portage la Prairie, MB –
It was described by bystanders as a Holy clap of thunder erupting from his anus with enough force to knock over a small child and it may put Steve Nosbod in the world record book.
Last week during the CIPP-TV annual All Staff, All Hands and All Minds meeting Health Wellness Security and Merriment Officer, Steve Nosbod ending the meeting abruptly after releasing gas from between his buttocks.
“I was not anticipating the volume or force that was lurking in my lower bowels. I was hoping for some quiet release, but I guess it was not to be.”
Nosbod consumed beer, jalapeno nachos, his wife’s brisket and onion soup the prior evening and then followed it up with a sausage and egg breakfast with large coffee. He credits the combination of foods and a bit of nerves for the eruption.
“Normally I have a bowel movement around 8am, shortly after I arrive at work. I had to skip that today as the All Staff, All Hands and All Minds meeting started at 8 and I had to give the first presentation. I had to hold back all what was rumbling withing my stomach for a half hour so it must have just built up.”
Around 8:45 Nosbod found it necessary to try and let some of his gas go due to excessive cramping. Station owner, Ryan Coke was speaking when the incident occurred.
PP After Dark Host, BJ Harrisburg was sitting less than ten feet away from the blast and had his note pad blown off his lap. “It was like a God firing lightening out of his ass. The windows of the conference room rattled, and several items were knocked over from the shock wave. It was like a stun grenade going off but with a rancid smell.”
Staff had to evacuate the room immediately and fans were brought in while paramedics provided first aid treatment. Thankfully no serious injuries occurred.
Several cell phones captured video of the blast and ensuing mayhem. This cell phone footage is what may lead to Nosbod getting his name in the record books.
World record expert, Jennifer Souchy says the evidence is very compelling.
“You can clearly see the impact of a shock wave emanating from Mr. Nosbod’s rear end. Items weighing up to eight pounds are seen being tossed to the ground and people nearest the blast sustained whiplash and soft body tissue injuries. This was a major fart event.”
Although the TNT equivalent or joule level of the explosion may never be known for sure the impact may well be greater than the current world record holder according to Souchy.
“The current holder’s fart knocked the lunch bag out of the hands of a bystander who was within inches of the blast area. I would say Mr. Nosbod’s shock wave was considerably more powerful than that.”
All injuries were treated on site and ongoing aroma therapy sessions are being provided to help staff restore normal nasal function.
Nosbod sustained only minor abrasions to the blast area. First responders credit this to the fact he was at the centre of the blast.
Local medical experts say that while farts of this size are rare, they can happen and Dr. Carol Prim believes Nosbod may have created a ball of highly concentrated gas in is large intestine and bowel that suddenly ruptured out his anus.
“Mr. Nosbod had a grenade of gas blow from his bowels in a sudden and violent manner. It is impressive no internal damage was done and his anus remained intact. We estimate the volume of gas in his system had to be about ten cubic litres or about half a BBQ propane tank. Normally when we fart it slowly leaks out, but Mr. Nosbod experienced a gas bomb that shot out of his bowels and lower intestine virtually at once. If there had been any open flames in the room the damage and scope of injuries could have been catastrophic.”
Notice to Reader: This is fiction. Although it may be based on real life experiences with large farts it is not a real story. Click here for fully legal disclosure. Hopefully this story does not trigger any trauma related issues from those who have experienced the power and beauty of big farts. If you do please read something else on the site to get your mind diverted and stay away from beer and nachos. Roast beef too.