PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB – Corey Martens has gone to church all his life but never took the time to read the entire Bible, until lately.
“I think, like most people who go to church, we might read a verse or at most a chapter here and there, “ Martens said. “But who reads the whole thing?”
With a sudden abundance of time on his hands, Martens decided to crack open the sleek, leather New Living Translation Bible his grandmother bought for him twenty years ago.
“I thought I knew the basic Bible story from Adam and Eve to Jesus and his disciples, and thought most of it would be just religious stuff, like what you hear in church.”
Martens soon discovered, to his amazement, the Bible to be filled with many things he wasn’t expecting.
“It’s like, it’s not really one book at all,” Martens shared. “There is some really, really weird shit in there hardly anyone talks about. The first part has some religious mumbo jumbo but most of it is like a long series of epic war novels. There is a lot of violence and then sudden spurts of sexuality nobody sees coming.”
Going to church every Sunday for thirty years had not prepared Martens for what he saw on the pages of his Bible.
“There are like a couple dozen parts of the Bible the pastor will preach about but the rest was a shocker,” Martens explained. “The body count is pretty high in the first half and then slows down but most of the characters are a little shady and there is quite a few promiscuous people and sex workers throughout.”
What Martens thought was primarily a religious manual turned out to be quite different and even contained a “surprise” ending.
“I knew the Bible started with Adam and Eve in the garden but I always thought it ended with Jesus being killed and then coming back to life. I had no idea there were all these wild stories and letters to people with Sci-Fi sounding names.”
Revelations, the final book of the Bible, shocked Martens. “I’d obviously heard of it but I just thought it was about the end of the world. I was not expecting this trippy, bizarre, science fiction-like experience. I still have no idea what that part was about, but it was freaky.”
After completing the entire book Martens was most surprised by the book’s religious content.
“Jesus is like the hero who comes in about two-thirds the way through and has to battle his church and government. He seems to spend most of his time telling the religious people they are wrong and then chills with mostly low-life regular people. He heals a bunch of people, chases away demons but other than that he doesn’t come act very religious. He seemed a lot different than what I learned in church.”
CIPP-TV asked Marten’s pastor to comment on his parishioners new found knowledge but he declined, siting concerns more people may read it on their own.
“I just didn’t want the Bible to be another one of those best-sellers I own but have never read.”
Photo credit – Rich Moore
Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal statements. Please be advised your computer may have a camera and microphone that can record you right now. And God is watching you. The content of this and other stories on this website are based on fiction and the imagination of humans. We are not recording you right now but that could be quite funny, but just think if you were being watched by a higher power. Consumption of this and other stories may cause dizziness, dry mouth, facial blemishes, hives, and thin hair. Please be aware reading the Bible can come with its own inherit risks and potential for enlightenment. This corporation assumes no responsibility for your grasp on reality, ability to tolerate sarcasm, humour and mocking comments, or your ability to understand ancient writings. In addition, they assume no responsibility for any resulting effects from digesting the content in this and other posts relating to but not limited to the aforementioned website and ancillary media products and modes of transportation. Please read and discuss at your own risk and with great caution. Should you feel nauseous at any point while reading this content please glance away from the screen or leave the website, social media or print page and the feeling should pass. This offer is not valid with any other offer and carries no cash or other value not to mention merit. Drive safe and drink responsibly, always consume in moderation. Don’t date your sister. We like oatmeal and beans. Never open your doors to strangers with weapons or offer rides to same. Please no parking without a permit. And yes, objects are larger than they appear in mirrors – unless the mirrors cause magnification in which case the object would be smaller in reality. Please consult a physician before working out. Also, please pray for us.