PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
Few people in Portage la Prairie, or the earth in general, have the same passion and love of cats as Billy Neepawa.
As a child, Neepawa would bring home stray after stray for his father to help find their forever home by giving them the magic feline vitamin. Nowadays Neepawa no longer believes in the mythical medicine of his parents and is notorious for harbouring all cats who frequent his door.
Recently, Billy has seen a steady stream of furry visitors in need of a good meal and veterinary intervention and the numbers of feline residents in his home has topped sixty.
“They are all over the place,” neighbour Guy Stayers said. “He has been taking in more and more. I think he’s having some mental health issues.”
Neepawa’s compassion almost turned deadly last week when the Terror Assessment Director for the City of Portage la Prairie had to issue the city’s top terror alert in order to be saved.
According to police reports, Billy was organizing the cat closet in his basement when he spilled a lethal amount of wet cat food and cat nip. He proceeded to fall into the combination of kitty crack summoning most of the 60 cats under his care to a feeding frenzy.
“Luckily I had my cell phone on me,” Neepawa explained. “I knew the sound of meowing, purring and licking would drown out a phone call so I had one option. Use the Terror Alert App on my phone and call in a Potato Alert.”
Billy’s quick thinking saved his life. Before he was consumed alive by the cats, his neighbour Guy Stayers rushed over and pulled him to safety.
“I got the emergency alert on my phone and I just knew Billy was in trouble,” Stayers said. “A Potato Alert is the highest level and I kinda thought there was no immediate danger to the potato industry in town so my thoughts went to why Billy would issue such a thing. That’s when I ran over to check on him. He wasn’t in a good way when I got there.”
Stayers found Neepawa with over 30 cats licking and chewing on the cat nip, food and most terrifyingly, Neepawa’s flesh. He sustained numerous bites and abrasion wounds and was transported to local hospital where he remained for two days.
“I don’t blame the cats,” Neepawa said. “They just started freaking out over the food and the cat nip fuelled them into a frenzy. I owe Guy and huge one.”
Several of Neepawa’s cats had to be treated for cat nip overdose and remain with vets across the Central Plains Region. City authorities and working with Neepawa to reduce his total number of cats to 5 in order to comply with current bylaws.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full explanation of the fictional nature of this story along with links to some heavy-handed legal speak on privacy, copyright and a general manifesto. Please don’t believe in Billy Neepawa and band of silly cats. Cats don’t go into feeding frenzies like that or very often. Potato Alerts don’t exist in Portage la Prairie. Should they change the name of Portage la Prairie to Potato la Prairie or Portage la Potato or even Portage the Potato. Call your mom, she misses you sometimes.