Portage la Prairie, MB –
A progressive prairie town in the middle of Canada is becoming a world leader in social advancement and political correctness by not just banning Halloween, but replacing it altogether.
Portage la Prairie is ridding itself of the plague of costume cultural appropriation, youth sexualisation, religious objections, anxiety over promoting obesity and the concerns over regional diabetes rates.
“We’ve known for a while Halloween’s days were numbered,” spokesperson Ellen Ross said. “We wanted to get Portage as a community ahead of the curve on this issue and become a change leader. Portage will set an example for others to emulate.”
Prior to the outright ban the committee looked at the issue of costumes to see if a plan and policy could be developed that would allow kids to dress up but the celebration was deemed far to vile to allow for even one more year.
“It’s just not reasonable anymore,” Ross explained. “Costumes are in general too scary or promote occult and religious stereotypes. Many are not sexually appropriate and can cause the premature over sexualisation of young people.”
“We want children to learn to accept who they are and dressing up flies in the face of that.”
Portage will ban all references to Halloween and the practise of handing out candy and junk food. In it’s place, adults and children will be encouraged to hold neighbourhood gatherings featuring sugar fee beverages like tap water and an assortment of local, organic vegetables and discussions about how we can respect all races and gender identities.
“We think the kids will have a lot more fun learning to eat well, protect the environment, and how to express themselves sexually in an appropriate manner,” Ross offered. “We will explain the how eating well is essential to avoiding type 2 diabetes and managing type 1.”
Children will hear about the evils of plastics in our world, genetically modified foods, the over-use of chemicals in food production, gender equality, fair wages, human rights, how to shop locally to save the planet and how to accept themselves better.
“Kids are already bursting with excitement over these events,” Ross said. “This excitement will last longer than traditional Halloween candy. Kids will eat this stuff up.”
Civic officials are confident this event can single-handedly make Portage la Prairie the most progressive, politically correct city in Canada. They believe Portage will win major national and international awards for this initiative.
“Major awards are definitely on the horizon,” Ross said. “It will put Portage on the map.”
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