PORTAGE la PRAIRIE –
Portage is getting drunk on Ryan Coke and celebrating its first imaginary Mayor. The City of Portage la Prairie becomes the first municipality in Canada to elect a fictional character as mayor.
After leveraging his substantial fictional media empire, including Portage’s imaginary and satirical CIPP –TV Channel 116, made up radio stations and newspapers, Coke Media Systems owner, Ryan Coke is Portage’s pick as fanciful Mayor.
“The whole thing has been like a dream,” Ryan Coke shared during his acceptance speech. “I first got in the race to defeat fellow fictional candidate Billy Neepawa but I had no idea I could beat the real candidates.”
Coke is planning to make Portage great again by fulfilling his campaign promise of getting rid of homeliness in Portage.
“First thing Monday morning I will meet with my new City Hall team and we will begin the process of making Portage more attractive by making the ugly people better looking,” Coke offered. “I’m a shallow, fabricated owner of a make-believe, fictional media empire. No one knows more about making things seem better than they are than me.”
During the campaign, Coke identified only one issue, homeliness in Portage, while others campaigned on social issues, economic growth, Saskatchewan Avenue development and the bridge to Island Park. The bridge issue seems to have sunk rivals like Billy Neepawa, who was proposing a tunnel in place of the bridge.
Billy Neepawa did not respond to our request for comment. He was spotted walking his cats late on election night.
Other losing candidates have filed formal complaints of voting irregularities against the Coke campaign. Coke openly stated on social media he was voting more than once saying, “I am voting early and often” and referred to Election Day as erection day in an attempt at juvenile humour or out of complete ignorance.
Political rivals are also claiming Coke and Neepawa had unfair advantages being fictional candidates who were not limited to reality in their platforms and promises. According to Coke’s interpretation of the Municipal Act, there is nothing to disqualify imaginary or fictional candidates from running or serving as mayor.
Coke’s own employees have spoken out against their boss stating boldly he is generally il-equipped for leadership and of poor character, lacking the judgement needed for the office. All the staff we spoke to, including the writers of this story, voted for Billy Neepawa and believe Coke will do a terrible job.
“Portagers got suckered in by his made up persona,” CIPP TV Sports Director Marshall Law said. “I think they fell in love with the novelty of this fictional media mogul and what the imaginary mayor stood for.”
“He does a terrible job running this satirical website,” on air host, Rhianna Meeches shared. “He doesn’t show up most days and misses meetings and is prone to erratic behavior and manic outbursts. That seems to be the new trend in politics. His personality disorders make him a very appealing candidate to conservative voters.”
Ryan Coke will lead his first council meeting next month where he plans on passing several self-serving motions containing no tangible benefit.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation of the fictional, satirical and at times, humorous nature of this story and website. Portage la Prairie is a real place where they fry a lot of potatoes, eat a lot of fried chicken, drink a lot of beer, warehouses large numbers of humans and have a charming lake and nice park. Unlike Portage la Prairie this story and website are fanciful and not real. This story is a work of fiction and any resemblance to real events and people are purely coincidental and a kwinky-dink. Not many animals were harmed in the creation of this and other content and we caution that you not attempt to trick others into consuming this as real news, real information or even as fake news. It is not news. It is fiction. Plastic plants are fake. Please use and abuse this content responsibly. Do not try this at home. We assume no responsibility for any injury or loss encountered while reading this or any other story on the website and ancillary media devices. Call your mom and adopt a rescue cat. Be nice to the losers in your life and do not chew on your pen.