PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
Every morning for 20 years, Udo Dirkschneider brews a cup of coffee, makes some toast and sits at his kitchen table at 8:45 am to listen to the funeral announcements on CIPP 980 AM, but lately he has grown frustrated with the radio station.
“Four days in a row for each of the last two weeks there hasn’t been one new funeral announcement,” Irma Dirkschneider, Udo’s wife of 58 years explained. “Udo got so mad last Wednesday he threw his coffee cup at the radio and broke it. The cup, not the radio.”
Dirkschneider is complaining CIPP 980 AM has reduced the number and quality of local funeral announcements since it was taken over by Coke Media Services and made part of the Manitoba Broadcast Network.
“It used to be that I could hear a good half-dozen local deaths each morning,” Udo Dirkschneider explained. “In the last few years they keep cutting back. Now all I hear is ‘there are not funeral announcements today’. Well, why the hell not? There has always been funeral announcements.”
“Udo looks so forward to the deaths each morning,” Mrs. Dirkschneider shared. “It helps him start his day on a positive note but when the radio station says there isn’t any funeral announcements, it ruins his day.”
The Portage senior is upset with the lack of commitment from the radio station to provide daily local funeral announcements and is taking his complaint to the federal regulator, the CRTC.
“I’ve already called the CRTC and they are going to launch an investigation to get this fixed,” Dirkschneider said. “980 AM will be in big trouble for short-changing Portage on death announcements.”
CIPP 980 AM owner, Ryan Coke responded to the complaint in a statement. “CIPP 980 AM provides excellence in local funeral coverage and will continue to do so. In the event when there are no deaths CIPP will continue to announce there are none. We feel it is important to remind Portagers that not every day ends in death.”
The CRTC is reviewing the matter but voiced some immediate concerns. “Mr. Dirkschneider has raised a valid issue. Over the last number of years, CIPP has been reducing the overall number of funeral announcements and that is troubling for local listeners who rely on the somber segment each morning. While the station says, it is related to the fact there are no local deaths to announce the CRTC is not convinced this is a legitimate reason. We’d like to see CIPP step up with more funeral announcements on the days they are now running none.”
Station owner, Ryan Coke promised to look at the matter and discuss it with his news director to see if they can generate more death announcements.
“In the end we have to keep the CRTC happy or they will take away our license,” Coke said. “Either the death rate will have to increase or we will have to do what it takes to generate daily death notices.”
Notice to readers – click here to read the full disclaimer and legal notices. This story is fictional and satirical as is the website in its entirety. Humour is not for everyone, please use responsibly. Fictional means made up, not real while satirical implies funny but this is not always the case. Warning, not all the stories on this website are funny to all viewers. Every attempt has been made to achieve a laugh or happy grunt but these attempts are nor always successful. Please continue to return to this website daily to find our latest stab at tickling you where it makes you chuckle. Tell your friends about us but please do not share with your mother. Please follow all the advice of the Canada Food Guide and always wear a condom. Help a friend, walk a dog, pet a cat and talk to a bird. Your mother is afraid of us. You were warned. Obey the rules of the road and do not light fires.