Portage la Prairie, MB –

It will soon be illegal to kill mosquitoes in Portage la Prairie after researchers discovered Portagers’ blood is causing record low numbers of he insect.

Concerned locals created their own theories over why Portage’s favorite songbird has virtually disappeared but the real reason was deeply disturbing.

“Talk around here is that the dryer than normal summer, heat and wind have killed the poor little guys off,” concerned citizens group leader Gordon Rodgers said.  “It is so bad this year no one is getting any mosquito bites at all.  We knew something terrible must be happening so we called the government.”

Researchers from the Entomology Institute of Manitoba started their investigation in early July and released some shocking findings.

“We first looked at environmental factors like standing water needed for breeding,” E.I.M investigator Erica Jones explained.  “People kept telling us it was the hot dry summer but our researched indicated an abundance of breeding locations.”

Other weather related factors like wind and humidity could account for the lack of local mosquitos.  That’s when the research team made an alarming discovery.

“The local mosquito population has defected to regions to the west, south and east,” Jones said.  The reason why is even more alarming.

“The evidence we found shows the mosquitoes are avoiding blood of local residents because of several reasons.  The main reason is they don’t want to contract blood borne illnesses found in Portagers at high rates, like hepatitis, West Nile, Zika and STD’s combined with the fact Portagers blood tastes like a combination of fried chicken, pizza and french fries..”

Mosquitoes couldn’t find enough tasty, uninfected targets locally so they conducted a mass migration out of the area to healthier feeding grounds.

Without immediate action to reduce the infection rates in humans, the mosquitoes will not return say scientists.

“We have placed all local species on the threatened list so they can be protected,” Jones said.  “There are very few mosquitoes left so we have to take immediate, radical steps to make sure they survive.”

As a threatened species, it will be a finable offense to kill, harm or disrupt the mosquito’s habitat.  Environmental enforcement officers will be patrolling to make sure Portagers follow the new rules.

“Hopefully we can get this figured out so future generations can continue to enjoy the summer right of passage of swatting at mosquitoes and scratching at itchy bites,” Jones said.  “It’s almost considered a basic human right of Manitobans to enjoy mosquitoes every summer.  If we act now hopefully we can protect this unique feature of our culture and environment.”

Notice to readers/disclaimer about the ridiculous and fictional nature of the story and website.  We all miss mosquitos but you still shouldn’t think this story is real.

Photo: CDC Global – https://www.flickr.com/photos/cdcglobal/

Photo: Guy and Statue Donald Lee Pardue – https://www.flickr.com/photos/oldrebel/