PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
The only thing that can help Portage look better is Ryan Coke.
Media Mogul, trust fund kid and now political juggernaut, Ryan Coke has announced he is entering the race to become Portage la Prairie’s next top mayor.
“I’m running on a platform that “Portage Needs Coke” because I am the only candidate with a comprehensive plan to eliminate homeliness once and for all,” Coke announced at a flashy rally at a downtown Portage hotel complete with a projector, power point presentation and a live DJ.
Coke’s decision comes after a thought filled and careful examination of his Facebook page that revealed he had almost a thousand friends.
“Billy Neepawa launched his campaign and he doesn’t even have a social media presence,” Coke explained. “He has no chance against my dynamic Facebook and Twitter accounts. Everyone is reading my ideas online.
While Neepawa maintains only troll accounts to monitor activity on social media he participates on message boards, niche forums and conspiracy theory groups, mostly found on the dark web. He could not be reached for comment due to his inability to check his email account regularly.
Ryan Coke does boast a formidable challenge for any potential mayoral candidates, as he is the owner of CIPP-TV and all of C.M.S. (Coke Media Services) including this website.
“My experience in media and ability to promote myself will more than make up for any lack of political experience or absence of ideas and policy I may face,” Coke said. “Who needs a bunch of idealistic and altruistic blah, blah, blah, when you have a lot of money, tons of connections and fit in with Portage’s conservative mindset?”
Coke kept referring to a CIPP-TV station initiative to end homeliness in Portage as the only part of his election platform. He was unable or unwilling to present anything to address crime, poverty, the economy, infrastructure or education.
“I believe if you look good, you’ll feel good and you won’t have as many problems,” Coke explained. “All these so-called other problems you mention won’t be an issue once people start looking better. How many good-looking poor or unemployed people do you see? Most good-looking people are rich or well off and much happier. That is why ending this plague of homeliness is the answer.”
The press conference did include two dozen models from a Winnipeg talent agency and most of the attractive staff from CIPP-TV.
“Let’s make Portage beautiful again! Join my thousands of friends on Facebook and Twitter and elect me the next Mayor of Portage,” Coke chanted over a thumbing track of electronic dance music.
“Remember, ugly people have ugly ideas,” Coke shared. “My opponent has no answer for the ugliness that overwhelms Portage. A vote for me is a vote for beauty and progress.”
Election officials say that in most elections a candidate can win the mayor’s seat with as little as one to two thousand votes so Coke’s assertion his number of Facebook friends assure him victory may not be audacious at all.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story. That means it is not real. You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real. While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials. Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not. Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts. Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds. Portage is real in a dreamy sort of way. I had a nightmare about Portage once. I was scared then I woke up. I still think Billy Neepawa will win because I like cats and I don’t like rich ass holes.