PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
A long-suffering Portager is throwing his hat in the ring to become Portage la Prairie’s next mayor and tossing out some great new ideas.
“After consulting with my mom and my cats, I have decided to become a candidate for mayor in the next municipal election,” Billy Neepawa announced at a sparsely attended press conference.
“The issues in Portage are numerous, if not obvious, and I intend to solve all of them in my first term,” Neepawa boldly predicted.
Neepawa is the first to declare his candidacy but it is rumoured incumbent Sherman Moffat intends to run for another term while media mogul and CIPP –TV station owner, Ryan Coke, is said to be thinking about taking a run to be Portage’s illustrious leader. Coke is believed to be concerned about his chances going up against Neepawa.
Billy Neepawa was quick to come out swinging against the current mayor and council.
“We’ve seen the past two city council’s dither and make poor decisions about what to do with the Island Park Bridge. Today, I’m unveiling my plans to build a tunnel under Crescent Lake instead of the proposed causeway now being looked at.”
“If England and France can have a ‘Chunnel’ connecting them, Portage can certainly build a short tunnel under the lake and I propose we call it the ‘Crunnel’ to stand for Crescent Lake Tunnel.”
The plan calls for a tunnel running from Royal Road under the lake to Island Park. Neepawa claims the plan will allow the existing bridge to remain as a pedestrian bridge and allow the current causeway to be removed for better water flow.
“We can create an engineering marvel, save the wood bridge and decrease the cost of the project by building a Crunnel,” Neepawa said. “In addition to the tunnel we will also be able to create a substantial recreational hill on the island with all the dirt we displace. It may even be tall enough for down hill skiing and snowboarding, creating hundreds of tourism jobs.”
The gathering of mostly friends and relatives had mixed feelings on Neepawa’s plans and candidacy. His mother Barry Neepawa was happy to see her son get out of the house for the afternoon but refused to speak to reporters.
“I’ve know Billy for years and I think he would make an okay mayor, I guess,” life-long friend Amelia French said. “I usually don’t vote anyway. I like the Crunnel idea.”
Jimmy Wiebe, a cousin to Neepawa, was optimistic. “Billy loves his cats and his mom. That is the kind of character this town needs. He’s an out of the box thinker with little to no financial knowledge or skill. He could quite possibly bankrupt our town. I’m voting for him for sure!”
Incumbent Mayor Sherman Moffat said he was surprised at Neepawa’s decision but still would not reveal his plans for the fall election.
Political analysts believe Neepawa has wide populist appeal and could pose a formidable challenge. It is widely believed people like to vote for people who love cats and respect their mothers.
Neepawa has no previous public service experience but did run for vice president in junior high at La Verendrye School, an endeavour he plans to draw on.
“I ran for council at La Verendrye School but I came in third,” Neepawa recalled. “I lost to the girl who started puberty early and a guy who wore cool beer t-shirts. I don’t think this election will be a popularity contest so I should be all right.”
The money-saving, job creating tunnel is a great first step in winning the election but it is still early in the race. With potential candidates who are media moguls, unemployed socialists, uneducated buffoons, leg wrestlers, barn animals, turtle doves and musical stars anything can still happen.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read more about the fictional, satirical and occasionally humorous nature of this website and story. That means it is not real. You can’t actually vote for any of these people because they are not real. While there have been instances where dead people have been elected to office, we know of no examples of fictional characters becoming real elected officials. Sometimes people who are elected seem like made up characters but they are not. Please do not donate to any of these or any other fictional candidates election efforts. Those moneys will not be tax-deductible and you likely just gave some money to someone who will waste the money and quite possibly commit atrocities with the funds. Remember let’s make Portage la Prairie beautiful again.