Portage la Prairie, MB –

To improve the moral fibre of its citizens, Portage la Prairie is retroactively banning the hairstyle commonly referred to as the mullet.

“We conducted a study and hired an overpriced consultant to tell us what we already suspected.  Those who wore mullets in the 80’s and early 90’s are far more likely to be stuck in a state of prolonged adolescence,” Freda Grossweiner, leader of Portage la Prairians Promoting Proper Hair and Morals said.

The group PPPPH&M began noticing social problems arising in Portage like excessive drinking, pot smoking, lack of ambition and the continued consumption of heavy metal music and thought the mullet was to blame.

“It became clear the ‘business in the front – party in the back’ attitude had stayed with many members of the male population and a few women.  For the sake of the town and future generations we had to do something.”

The unfortunate hairstyle will no longer be legal in the City of Portage la Prairie and surrounding area, and stylists and barbers have been served notice.  Offenders will be fined and directed to have their hair cut properly within 14 days.

Retroactively, the mullet will be eliminated starting with grad photos and year books from the offending decades.  The school division has been notified, and all photos must be doctored or removed to avoid further impacting the younger generations.

“We are concerned about younger males sporting a hair style called ‘the flow’,” Grossweiner said.  “The flow may have the same impact on today’s youth as the mullet did in the 80’s so we will have to monitor it and take action if need be.”

“The back-combed, hairspray filled, big hair of the 80’s, worn mostly by women and members of glam-rock bands was also looked at.  But we found most females today insist on straight, unoriginal, homogenous hair akin to those we saw in the 50’s and 60’s.  Big hair didn’t seem to have the same negative impact on society that mullets did.”

The organization is asking if you know of anyone still sporting a mullet or harbouring old photos of them in a mullet to contact City Hall immediately so by-law enforcement can clean up the situation.

Photo Credit – Leonardo Dasilva

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