PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Aaron MacDonald found himself unemployed, broke and online when he came up with an idea to get enough money to take his girlfriend Sarah Friesen out on Friday night.
MacDonald decided to sell his soul on Portage la Prairie’s premiere Facebook shopping group, Portage Mom’s Swap and Shop.
“I’ve seen people sell all kinds of crap on there,” MacDonald said. “Worn out clothes, used bras, out of date computers and obviously stolen goods. I didn’t have anything like that so I decided to offer up my soul.”
Initially, he was hoping for enough money to buy a case of beer and a pack of smokes but when his post went live a bidding war ensued.
“It was crazy and a little creepy, to be honest,” MacDonald said. “Six people starting making offers until this guy in Poplar Point offered two hundred bucks. At first I was pumped.”
The purchaser who MacDonald only knows by the online handle, “Jerry”, showed up within five minutes to bring MacDonald the cash.
“I didn’t think anyone could get from Poplar Point to Portage that fast. He was here quick.”
After exchanging the cash, MacDonald was expecting to be part of some kind of ceremony or ritual but “Jerry” simply smiled, said “thanks, see you around,” and left.
“I thought I’d have to do some weird necromancy or something but he just took the money and left. I didn’t feel any different at first so I was laughing pretty hard at this dude.”
About fifteen minutes after the transaction, MacDonald’s girlfriend arrived and he shared the news.
“I thought it was hilarious but when I gave her a hug I suddenly felt the difference,” MacDonald shared.
The normal warm emotional sensations he typically felt embracing Sarah were completely gone and he realized the loss of his soul stopped him from feeling any form of love.
“I was pretty pissed at him,” Friesen said. “What kind of idiot sells his soul to a complete stranger online?”
“I tried contacting “Jerry” on Facebook but his profile was deleted,” MacDonald said. “I just want to get my soul back. I shouldn’t have been so dumb.”
MacDonald and Friesen have made flyers of Aaron’s missing soul and placed them all around Poplar Point.
“We’ve been asking around but nobody has heard of “Jerry” or recall seeing anyone who looks like him,” Friesen said.
The couple has been monitoring the Portage Mom’s Swap and Shop Group to see if anyone tries to resell the soul.
“My soul wasn’t the greatest, but I really miss it and need it back,” MacDonald said. “If anyone sees it at a garage sale or in a pawn shop please let me know because I need it back.”
Friesen has been looking for a replacement soul online but has had no luck so far.
“I’ve posted all across Canada looking for someone desperate enough to sell their soul. I’m sure we can find a replacement until Aaron get’s his back.”
The couple admits they will have to pay less than the two hundred dollars MacDonald received for his, as over half of the money has already been spent.
“I think I’ll find some discount souls in the Steinbach area when garage sales fire up this spring,” MacDonald said.
Until then, anyone who sees a damaged, second-hand soul or a guy called Jerry are asked to notify the Police.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation about the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website. While we believe souls are real along with the places of Portage la Prairie and Poplar Point we don’t believe people named Jerry are going around buying them off desperate people. This is all silly. Nonsense. Stupid. Please consume and share accordingly. Long live Pedro!