OTTAWA, ON –
Canada’s government unanimously approved the creation of a new Federal Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling in an effort to find a positive solution to ongoing revelations of inappropriate and unwanted sexual comments and actions.
The new government department hopes to turn a negative into a positive by taking those convicted of unwanted sexual advances like touching, leering and groping and pairing them with people looking for those types of interactions.
“Our society and peoplekind in general, individuals are increasingly isolated by our electronic age,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said. “At the same time, we have a movement that is exposing sexual predators so we have a perfect storm to capitalize on. The Ministry of Tickling, Touching and Fondling will take the small portion of Canadians who enjoy engaging inappropriately and match them with those who wish to be touched in this way.”
“So instead of using the judicial system to regulate this problem we will create a positive outlet for these urges, all the while helping those who are lonely and interested in any kind of physical attention they can find,” Trudeau added.
The new ministry will arrange tickle parties and other mingling events across the country to pair those wanting to touch with those longing for touch.
Canadians can self-register if they are interested in various, of what the majority of Canadians deem inappropriate, forms of touching and be connected with those who will be registered as ticklers, touchers, gropers and fondlers. The database will then match on preference and federally appointed sexual social workers will arrange in-person visits.
“Canada will be a leader in the management of sexual misconduct and allow offenders a modern, positvie and productive way to participate fully in our culture,” Trudeau explained. “We will embrace the notion of non-punitive restoration by giving predators willing partners and helping the loneliest of our population find a way to connect physically and sexually.”
Critics are quick to point out this might attract sexual predators from other countries with some wanting to immigrate. Trudeau was quick to point out that if someone is legitimately being persecuted for being a sexual predator they may be given refugee status and placed in the registry.
“Most of the high-profile cases we are seeing south of the border and people like Harvey Weinstein and others would not qualify for refugee status,” Trudeau promised. “We wouldn’t accept Donald Trump either, unless things get real ugly for him down there and he has no other option.”
The Liberal cabinet is considering promoting a Manitoba Member of Parliament to the newly formed cabinet positition but the final decision will come down next week.
The province of Quebec has already said it will not take part of the federal program and setup its own provincial department, tentatively dubbed the Quebec Ministry of French Ticklers. Ottawa will fully fund the Quebec initiative and place no expectations or accountability on their provincial counterparts.
First Nations across Canada will not be eligible in the federal program, as the government does not feel there is the same level of problem in First Nations as the rest of the country.
“We will tackle the problem of sexual harassment and misconduct head on in our own truly Canadian way and show the world a better way,” Trudeau said somewhat unconvincingly.
Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclosure and explanation of the fictional and satirical nature of this story and website along with links to some amazing legal mombo jumbo. Canada is real and Justin Trudeau is real but the story is completely made up and fanciful and full of delight. We are trying to be funny. Maybe not funny ha ha, but perhaps funny weird. Please do not share this with your friends on social media if you are trying to trick them into thinking this is real. Please do share abundantly if you think it is funny and enjoyed the humour. CIPP-TV is a fictional television station that exists as a satirical website so please do not tune into Channel 116 looking for us. Thoughts and prayers.