PORTAGE la PRAIRIE, MB –

Portage police are throwing all available resources at solving the city’s math crisis that has seen children as young as six years old get hooked on math in school.

“We are seeing numbers and numeracy being the gateway in full-blown math addiction,” police spokesperson Peter Froman said.  “Teens in high school seem to the hardest hit with reports of math addiction leading to students experimenting with calculus and accounting.”

Civic leaders don’t recall ever seeing math use this severe.  Reports indicate teenagers and young adults, especially recent graduates being able to make change at local retail establishments without the use of a cash register or calculator.

“We had a young twenty-something couple come in to get a mortgage for their first home and the wife was able to calculate the monthly interest and payment before I could print it out,” First Bank of Portage Manager June Grantham said.

Restaurants around town claim young patrons are having fun figuring out 15% to 20% tips to the penny when they go to pay.

The Portage surge in math use is bucking national and international trends that have seen children and all people get out of math use by deferring to digital devices.

“We are very concerned and believe there is a significant risk to public safety,” Froman said.  “We don’t think there will be enough jobs for all the math addicts in Portage.  Banks, accounting firms, research facilities and even retail outlets are being targeted by the math addicts in order to get their fix.”

Police are taking steps to clamp down on math suppliers and dealers in hopes of stemming the tide of math addiction.

“School math teachers are just the low-level dealers but we have to get them away from the kids,” Froman shared.  “At the same time we are using informants and surveillance to  flush out and identify the math overlords, the dreaded accountants and actuaries.”

It is widely believed the accountants and their book-keeping minions are intentionally targeting the youth of Portage in hopes of getting them hooked on math.  Police say the accountants, lead by actuaries, funnel the math to the teachers who are in turn getting the kids hooked as early as kindergarten.

“Parents need to be vigilant,” Froman warned.  “This math dealers may call themselves teachers but they are out to get your kids trying numbers and basic math in hopes of getting them addicted.”

School officials estimate the rate of math addiction might be as high as 80% in Portage la Prairie as evidenced by an improved performance on standardized provincial testing showing Portage to be at the top when it comes to math ability.

“We have set up a math hotline and are asking all citizens to report any suspicious math activity,” Froman said.  “One of the earliest signs in children is the sudden and unexplained ability to understand fractions and figure out percentages.”

Many parents today are unfamiliar with math and its affects.  A special seminar will be held at the community centre on Saturday to help parents learn what to look for and what they can do to stop the spread of the math addiciton.

“We will explain to parents how to get kids interested in things like video games, watching television and smoking marijuana as they have been proven to thwart the spread of math,” Froman said.

Provincial and federal officials are watching closely to see how Portage la Prairie handles the crisis to gleen some best practises to help with outbreaks in other communities.

Notice to readers/disclaimer – click here to read the full disclaimer and explanation.  In case you didn’t get it, this story is fictional, satirical and slightly humourous in places.  It is not fake news or news at all, it is just plain silly.  Most people in Portage are well aware we do not have a problem with young people being interested in math at all.  You can safely go into any retail establishment and be confident the person working the counter will not be able to do calcualations without digital help.  Portage la Prairie is a safe community with little to no math problems present.  You can walk the streets most days and never encounter anyone capable of advanced math not to mention basic math skills. We know a few guzintas but thats about it.  Have a nice day.

Photo Credit – Bryan Alexander